never had a cake in 30 years...

i found out that a colleague's birthday was today and so with the other colleagues, we came up with a plan...

so he came in for his shift at noon and we presented him with a cake, and a small feast at the office and... well, he is a shy guy to start off... and then he continued to say that this is his first cake in his life.

my heart sank.

he is 30 this year.

for whatever reason that may be, we can only imagine and stipulate and just overthink all the possibilities.

we cut a slice, maybe 1/12 of the cake and share it between us few just for a taste and we let him take the rest back for himself and his newly wedded wife.

im not a cake person. i doubt he is too as he chow down a slice himself instantly just now.

that whole scene just make me feel so fortunate to have had cakes over the years, however small was it, with or without anyone by my side.

to me, cake is just an accessory to take an eventful pic for the occasion. but for some people, it could mean the world to them.

lesson learnt for the day:

things that could be petty to us, may be significant to others. never assume the value of something or someone as everyone perceives value base on their own knowledge, beliefs and needs.

you could be a slut to one, but you could be the best thing that happened to another. never undermine yourself, no matter how low, depress, or ugly you think you are.

HIV meds and its side effects...

tuls, I fainted today...

oh... what happened?

my vision went blurry and i black out...

oh my .... then how?

my colleagues brought me to the clinic...

so what did the doctor say?

the doctor referred me to the eye specialist...

huh... why one?

he say that i will go blind with my condition like that and ask me not to not wait long and quickly go..

what the.... why would he say that? 


and so i googled his symptoms and what the doctor said.... it kinda pointed towards HIV retinopathy..


im afraid....

dont be afraid...  the doctor is wrong... he shouldnt have said it that straight forward... he could have use better words... but... maybe he just dont know how.... but whatever it is, you need to get your eyes checked... , is it still blurry? 

yea one side... ..... ....will i die?

hm.... ..... ..... did the doctor say what's wrong?

no.... not really...

well, i kinda try looking up on the net for your condition....

and?

hm..... it is best if you go and see the specialist... 

but.... i just started this job 2 weeks ago..... i dont wanna portray myself as a slacker or someone who uses sickness to skip work...

well, do you wanna die? or go blind?

-.- youre scaring me...

hm.....

you waited 2 years to start treatment.... so many things couldve happen along the way... this might be one of it... 

:(

the doctor say try not to wait too long to go see the specialist.... if you dont listen to me, maybe listen to him...

:( 

it is your eye.... dying is easy, living a life in blindness, that is a torture.

:(  bitch....


and so he went to the specialist after a week.. the nurse took his blood sample for a routine blood test...

after one vial of blood taken, he turned slight blue...

one vial of blood isnt that much that could turn someone slight blue...

and i guess he fainted...

when he woke up, he texted me...


hm.... i loss consciousness...

what happen...?

dont know... they took my blood for test and my vision went blur again... and then now.... .....doctor say im anemic..

well, that's good news!

why?

it is most probably caused by your meds you just started!

huh...

yup.... side effects... anemia, it is not that uncommon after all...

hm......

yup, and that means......!!!!! you might not go blind....

YAY! maybe not yet....! -.- i hate you....


there was quite a long pause after that....


doctor say i need transfusion.. i dont have energy to type anymore... the procedure will be done tomorrow..

ok.. rest well...



basically first things first, the doctor could have picked the signs up if he wouldve examined my friend properly..

my friend told him that he just started on anti-retroviral therapy (HAART) and he could and should suspect side effects and make immediate referral...

the specialist in charge of his case should have told my friend about some signs to look out just in case side effects do happen... i didnt really ask my friend about it but sometimes during these kinda situation, it is really hard to remember so many stuffs when there are so many other stuffs going on in your mind....

hm....


my special friend was on

Zidovudine + Lamivudine  and Efavirenz


With initiation of any new meds, there is always a chance of incompatibility with the user, so if a rash do happens that is widespread throughout the body, it is most probably an allergic reaction, telling you that the medicine is not suitable and you should go back to the hospital to get assessed and be given new set of different class of medicine.

Zidovudine + Lamivudine
Specifically for this combo, they commonly attack the liver, the blood, or the muscles.

So if you're feeling dizzy, you look pale and is cold and clammy, most probably your reb blood is affected.

If you keep falling sick, like a simple flu or sore throat that is taking weeks to heal or maybe not heal at all? Your white blood is affected.

If you turn yellow, your liver could be it.

If your muscles ache for no reason, you should get it checked as well.


Efavirenz
Specifically for this med, they commonly affect the brain and the liver.

If you have suicidal thoughts or newly developed negativity or anxiety depression kinda feeling, it could be the meds.

If it is the liver, you might go yellow. Maybe the white of the eyeball? or the skin.



If you suspect any of the side effects, to be safe, just get it checked. But if you are feeling fine, maybe you are one of the lucky one that doesnt have side effects, and so for you lucky lot, just go and attend your next doctors appointment as scheduled.

There are many combo that one could be started on. Just make sure you know a little bit more about the meds you take and how it might affect you in terms of side effects so you could pick the signs and symptoms up before it gets too complicated like my friend.

There are a lot of gay healthcare professionals and gay healthcare bloggers out here and there if you need someone to talk to or enquire if you feel more comfortable to. Just give us an email and we will try to help you out the best we can.

Dont be shy and always have your meds on time.


love
TULS

special friend...

hey tuls, you wanna hang out sometime?

whoa, havent seen you like, what, 8 years?

hahaha.. yea... you free?

erm... yup, not doing anything at the moment...

yumcha?

ok!

and so i drove to a nearby cafe to meet up with this high school friend whom i have not seen for years.. well, ever since high school i guess...

o m g!!!

you are so fat!!!

you are so thin!!!!

-.-

-.-

so, how are you?!

so we did lots of catching up... talk about my life, his life, about me when i was in UK and him and work... just the usual...

you smoke? since when?

er....

such a bastard

hahaha...

there was a pause... i feel like he wants to tell me something but he doesnt know how...

you got something to tell me arr?

....hm.....

and then he came out to me..

i knew it!!!! o m g!!!! so, are you with someone now?

yea... for 3 years already...

o m g! awesome... Carter and I in our 2nd now too..

and so we came out to each other... so lame... and we go on talking about our new topic for the next 30 mins or so...

ice latte after ice latte until we had the whole table filled with empty plastics...

i've got something else to tell you...

hm..... i know already....

really?

yea... youre so skinny now...

hm.....

it's ok, i don't judge... 

i sympathize him somehow but i know that these social stigma wont go away with my sympathy and so i embraced it and knowing that people living with the disease will need support from anyone they can get and have...

so he came out to me and told me this shocking truth all in the same few hours.. it is not hard to process.. but just the desperation you can feel that he really need someone to hear him out, like as though it is going to explode and eat him inside out if no one understands him...

your bf.....?

he knows...

and he is ok about it?

yea... he is the one taking care of me....

o m g. like this kinda bf already extinct d...     how long liao?

hm.... 2 years?

mm... treatment?

mm...... just started.

o.O 

i was not ready....

ok... ok.. as long as youre ready then good, cos you must eat meds on time... not ready also no point cos later will make it worse...

yup...

and is your bf?

no...

oh...so.... like how did you ?

hm... we dont really have sex much... so one day when we wanted to do it, he went down, and saw that my knob was red with spots and he was shocked so he asked me to go get checked...

ok.... then?

i have syph ... and also the virus..

hm....

he was really supportive and went back and forth to the hospital to help me in and out...

you better not take him for granted!

:)

so we chatted on for awhile more then headed off for dinner after that....

HIV is a disease, not curable at the moment but there are ways to prevent it. being gay is already a social stigma like it or not, and people always relate being GAY with AIDS... -.- that is so 20 years ago.. AIDS is now rarely heard of anymore because of the advancement of medicine.. you will get full blown AIDS if you dont get treatment...

we need to always educate ourselves. dont despise those who have the disease. dont be afraid of those who do have it. often, they are afraid of themselves and you don't really need to add that burden to those who already have it. if someone were to confide to you, you must have done something right that made them wanna share it with you, not for your pity, but maybe just an outlet for them to express. 

the response from the first person whom they tell it to, will either make them or break them. so please dont overreact and think before you say anything. if you dont know what to say, just dont say anything and let your friend finish what he needs to say. the last thing they want is to get judged and feel as though they are a disease and should be isolated from society.

with that, i have myself my first special friend. 

Money and me...

It is scary to think about money.

When we were a baby, money means nothing to us. All we need to do was to survive growing up.

When we were a little bigger, pocket money means a meal during recess at school. I always had the RM2 economy rice in the canteen where you can get 3 dish and a rice for that. I don't eat sweets so there isn't much to spend on apart from that during recess.

When we reach puberty. All kinds of desire comes to mind. Games, Tamagochi, gameboy, playstation, gshock, babyG, Shaker, if you don't have any of those, you are not cool in the eyes of your peers. I never had any of those. I got my first playstation, fourth hand or what not when i was 18 just because my neighbour moved and had to throw them out cos they had so many other advanced version of it and I spend most of my time playing naughty dog haha. primary school was shit basically. my mum came to my school to take my report card one day during primary 5 and the teacher told my mum that i dont have much friends?  lol. like i care.

silly enough. maybe i do. but what can i do? i dont have stupid gameboy shits to exchange with friends. Nor do i have any of the different SHakers that you shake for fuck sake wtf were the student in that era thinking? i dont have any dinasour to fucking lay eggs for me and grow into some animate shit where i have to feed and walk that shit.

it all seems so trivial now to think of it but then, at that shoft period of time, it was everything for a young boy growing up in the city. I dont know if life is the same in rural parts of the country, maybe you guys catch spiders to fight and raise instead of tamagochi. lol.

so basically that part of life was shit.

then came high school. everyone basically was at their prime. all grown up with good looks and big boobs and hairy dicks everywhere. if you're not hot enough, you won't be invited to the "party". Then formed cliques where the rich bitches will group together, the not so pretty ones will have a group, then the cina ones, different coloured ones, and the outcasts etc.

money was the IT thing then. you have your gang that goes to the cyber cafe and play CS and DOTA and whatCRAFT. if you got no money to go. youre not cool. then there will be 101 birthdays all around the year and you will be forced to go if you wanna be "included", and there you need to fork out money to get presents for them fake friends that maybe doesnt know or like you at all.

so no. i dont attend all those shits. i dont go to cyber cafe to play them shits. why? because i have no money. i wont ask my parents for them because i know they only have enough to support the family through the month with little or no savings whatsoever.

and so i started to look for a job.

my first ever job was a banquet waiter/usher when i was 15. you get free buffet dinner at the workers canteen before an event and you get about RM4-5 an hour and events usually start at 5pm and ends around 11pm. RM25 a day and free dinner. Not too bad eh? But my back hurts like hell everyday because of the heavy lifting of tables and chairs. hm....

after 2 months, i told myself i dont wanna do this anymore and I stopped and found work at a supermarket as a promoter instead. just part time. during form 4 and form 5 school holidays. SPM was shit. I never really put much effort into it. While waiting for results I did the promoter thing full time. Results were shit and so I went and did form 6, because once again, everyone else seems to have the money to do their foundation ALevels and SAM. friends that we make during high school slowly grew apart and slowly, soon enough, were all gone. so high school sux. lol.

of course, we make new friends wherever we go. so i'm not really bothered at that department. as long as i know and treasure the keepers, the rest, if they dont impact your life in anyway whatsoever, little chance they will "connect" with you for genuine reasons.

throughout working on odd jobs here and there till i finish my form 6, i made about 20K. I feel really proud of myself then. then came the news from the gov saying that i'm not good enough for my CGPA of 3.5 to enrol for a good degree course in the local varsities and that's where my world kinda just stopped. so that sucked.

coincidentally, there was an education fair that i went to in Mid Valley with my mum. It was like the only other option that i could think off.

So now, money was everything.

i went to my dad, and with his agreement that he was willing to fund my degree with his EPF savings, I enrolled into a private university. I paid my first semester and enrolment fee myself. the world seemed complete.

the course was a twinning programme to the UK, and it was decided after much consideration and thought. the programme cost the same if i were to do it locally hence the decision. it was one of my best decisions ever made and so i thought.

i worked throughout uni period. money was spent mostly on food, car maintenance, petrol, and yea, basically just that. I was thrifty then, when it comes to myself. I do buy necessities other than food only when there is like some major sale or clearance and thank God Malaysia has it all year round.

And then i left to UK.

Leaving my family, friends(whats left) and my bf behind.

Long distance didnt seem to work. The young eager love craving self needed more than a skype call every now and then and so, it ended.

I had a weekend job at a restaurant. I had an on-call job interpreting that pays quite ok for a foreigner like myself so thank god that i could speak and converse in a few languages like most malaysians do. A year went by and summer came again. Half of my classmates went back to Malaysia. I found a summer job in the same field of what i was studying and worked full 3 months non stop on weekdays while doing the restaurant job on weekends and so basically I was occupied throughout.

At the end of summer holiday, I went on a eurotrip exploring neighbouring countries without much difficulty since I've saved up from working through summer. I even secured a job after summer placement and will commence work once i graduated. So that worked out all well.

Then shit happens.

Funds for tuition fee didn't turn up from Malaysia. I can't blame anyone except myself. I blame myself for choosing to study so far away from home where I have no other support system other than my classmates. I blame myself for not thinking through before coming here. I have to think of tuition fee, and apart from that, my living expenses which includes rent and food.

I cried.

Feeling helpless, I didnt know what to do.

Tuition fees, I just push it from one semester to another. Luckily the uni was lenient enough to let me continue studying with that debt. My living expenses and rent was all paid by my weekend job.

If only I knew this shit is going to happen, I would have saved up and not go for that eurotrip. But, in life, there is no such thing as "If Only" and so I brush the thought away.

I blogged about this shit before and a few bloggers did reach out to me and wanted to help which I deeply appreciate but still, it just don't feel right taking money from someone just like that.

Mum tried to get a loan back home, I feel so bad for her, knowing that her son is somehow "stranded" overseas with no money whatsoever, it must have been hell for her. She took up a loan in the end and sold off her car but that still didnt cover much. I reassured her from time to time that im ok and that the money she sent was sufficient. anything to make her feel better.

As the year came nearer to the end, a red letter appeared, a reminder that i have to pay the outstanding of my tuition fee or else I dont get to graduate. I broke down.

Luckily then, my observant housemates realized and the fragile me at that state couldnt keep it in any longer and I poured. The next day, each of them chipped in equally among the few of them to pay off my tuition fees. I really didnt know how to react. They just pass an envelope to me with that exact amount of the outstanding sum. I was shocked but of course I feel like the world is better all over again. The dateline for the graduation attendance, and robe rental and all was way over but i begged and appealed for it and they slotted me in just in time.

Graduation day was really quite significant at that period of time. So many shits happen in that one year and it was all gone on that day. The day i hold that fake scroll in my hands walking from one end of the stage to the other end, cheered on by Asians classmates, the feeling was fantastic.

But of course, days went by as usual and before I know, my work contract commenced and i had to start work. The feeling that I was in debt to my friends still irks me so much that I did the unexpected. I sat Keith down, my then angmo bf and asked him to loan me a sum to pay off my friends and I will pay him off monthly with my salary. He agreed and with that I was so so grateful too. So instead of being in debt with 5 person, i now just need to focus on Keith.

I paid him off within a year. The feeling of being debt free was so so so uplifting! I earn my international drivers license with one sitting and bought my first ever car for 100 pounds! it is so worth it for that one year. No regrets. It was bittersweet. But it was a hell of an experience. I drove all around England before I bid goodbye to my beautiful car and the land of fish and chips.

Later that, I came back home. Finally... after 4 years. Even before that, a fellow reader was the one who helped me out with my return flight ticket.

I can honestly say that ive met really nice people along the way throughout my life. Selfless. True heroes in my eyes.



Now that I'm back, I could say I'm doing all right. Ive got a decent job, i bought a decent car, allowances for mum every month, i took care of all the utility bills at home and on top of that, savings.

When you see that your mum is happy, everything else doesnt seem to matter.

I was never the bad kid. I wasnt an angel either when i was younger. I think I was understanding enough to know my familys situation and never messed with the money department at home. Relationships were made hard at times because of the money issue but I was blessed with good lovers along the way.

Money, will never be enough. To look back at everything that money had been an obstacle, there are so many options to go around it, just that sometimes us humans are afraid of change. To be afraid, is to not try. When we dont try, we wouldnt know whether the end result will benefit us or not.

Sometimes i wonder, will my life be any different if i chose a different course to study?

or what if i drop out half way because of money, how would people see me? how will i see myself? what would my parents think of me?

so many questions, so unnecessary.

its my life. no one can tell me how to live it except for me. until you truly embrace it, you will still be living in the shadows. It isnt a bad thing to live in a shadow. Humans are born in the shadow in this context, stepping out of it sometimes is scary, hence the change concept.

tuls, why dont you stay back in the UK and work? it is 1 pound to 6 ringgit now. you will be rich when you come back!

tuls, why not work in singapore?

the fact is, you can work anywhere. you just need to pick whats best for yourself. if one option doesnt work, just try the second one. Dont let money be a deciding factor.

When i feel that I am poor, I always think about people who dont have food to eat, or a place to stay, or have got no clothes to wear. Not to make myself feel better, but to appreciate what i have now and be humble.

This blog post is sparked thanks to the countless bloggers currently talk about money issues. I hope that you guys can somehow overcome your worries and not to stress so much. Life is short.

love
tuls

dear tuls... on adultery

tuls...

yea?

i'm sleeping with this guy.... and? but he is attached.... and he is good looking... and the sex was great and it felt good and he liked it and i liked it and ..... hey slow down slow down...

do you thinkim not judging... but people judge anyway... 

yea.. i mean, life is short, you do whatever you want and as long as you think that you can live with what you are doing then... i guess... i have my own opinion on it but yea...

what do you think about it?

that youre lazy, and you resorting on the easiest option there is..

youre smart..

of course!

people i want dont want me, people i dont like keeps coming after me...



you need to get back in the game brother! don't use no time as an excuse! screwing other people's bf is not a pleasant thing to anyone other than temporary pleasure. put your shoes in his bf's and you might feel it, or not. depending whether you are a person that gives a shit or not. but then again, the world is full of shit, maybe there is a bigger picture than just what i know...

:)
tuls

he is not that good looking....

i was out with a friend just now and we were talking about him starting to see this guy and the conversation goes...

so, are you seeing anyone now?

well.... it's only been a few outings... usually just over a meal...

ok, omg, tell me everything... a pic maybe?

he is not that good looking...

ok bitch stop.

what?

it's like you lost the war before you left the castle. it is quite funny to think of the stuffs we say about people. i mean, i think i too did use those exact same words before, when i was younger of course..

but like why?

is it because we say that to tone down the hopes of our friends before actually seeing the person? so like when our friends do think that he is hot or what, it will be like a good thing? -.-

or is it because he or she is really not that good looking in our own opinion?

but why must we say it like that?

and im guessing that as time passes, the so called "excuse" or silly "statement" will be a one of the factors that will determine whether the relationship will work or not.. and in the end you will feel like he is really not that good looking enough for you!

so when someone ask you how is your date like, say: oh he is gorgeous!

beauty eye beholder thing, you get it. and if your friends think otherwise then fuck it, youre the one dating him, not them lol..

my own moral of the story is that i feel that positive reaffirmation, reinforcement, praise and recognition is very important in a relationship. Whether it is the initial phase or maybe even years or decade down the line.

Agree?
tuls

Carter and vacays...

we are back from our honeymoon and yet we have planned for our next vacation next month! :)

owing to the fact that Carter works abroad, we try to meet up as often as we could... even when Carter is back home, he is still hundreds of miles away from where i live...

when we first got together, Carter gave me a choice, either he gets a place in KL so that we could be closer together.. or like now, we try to meet up as often as possible but like somewhere away from home...

renting a place in KL but not staying in it most of the time seems like a waste no? and so i went for option two..

Ultraman Jino has a one month one state policy thing which he adopt starting this year where he goes off on a vacation to a different state each month! it is looking great so far and i think it is a splendid idea!

Carter and I didn't really plan it but it seems like we are doing a montly vacation thing as well. not as easy as we want to but we are trying our best! and as for now, our vacations are mostly funded by our passive income! :) if income is good, then we will get to vacay longer certain months and maybe stay at fancier places.. well, that's the goal... so... passive income please be good to us!! need to go to guanyinma.com and print out a wealthy spell and chant it every day! lol...

April and May and June are all fully booked and planned out! All of them is either next to lakes or by the sea... This is gonna be great! can't wait!! for those who keep asking me how many off days i have a year, i would say: same as you.

xoxo
tuls

Dear tuls...

I'm 20. I have a bf who is much older than me. We've been together for almost a year now. Things are starting to slow down. I feel like we don't connect the way we use to when we first started. He doesn't reply my text even though he has read it. He blocked his last seen so no one knows when he was last online. Clearly it had 2 blue ticks indicating that he read it. When I call, he doesn't answer, he doesn't even call me back. This happened countless of times and I'm starting to feel the pain. 

We both work and sometimes for really long hours. We don't stay together and that really makes meeting up very hard. We try to meet up as much as we could but sometimes we only meet once a week even though we both live in KL. 

There's a lot going on in my life right now. I just want him, i just need him, to be there for me, and make everything else go away. But now, I'm really tired. 

There's this one time where I thought he was flirting with another guy. I confronted him. Only to find out that the guy was a close friend and those were just harmless gestures and conversation. I know I'm jealous. I can't help it. I know it is wrong. But... We..... There's isn't much flirting going round when we first started. Not to say that he is incapable, but I just never get it from him. Is it wrong for me to feel jealous? 

We argue every now and then. ...What should I do? I reflect on my actions. I just couldn't control myself and sometimes I just cry for hours. 

I think I broke his trust. Not to say he doesn't love me. We do love each other. But I think I need to trust him more. But all these slow text and calls and replies are making me go crazy. I feel like if I'm in an accident and I reach out to him, I would have bled to death when he finally calls me back. 

****************************

You are very young. You want excitement. You feed on it. You want attention. You want passion. It's normal. Sometimes when a partner do not give you what you crave, well, it could be dangerous in the relationship. You will source it from somewhere else, well that's the bad part. The good part is you guys are argueing. I'm guessing that you guys do talk about your frustration that led to the arguement. Good thing. It kinda still mean that you want all the above from him. You don't go and get it somewhere else!...

I don't know how old is he but I'm guessing he is an old sloth. He had went through many of these kinda situation and maybe he is immuned to all these. Well I guess the only way to tackle these kinda sloth is to be the bigger person. Some sloths are just useless in changing their habits. But what can you do? You have fallen for a sloth. Not to say you need to accept it. But, trying looking at the bigger picture.

He is not cheating on you. He is just a little slower in replying. Ok. Maybe a lot slower. But in the end, he still comes back to you. It is not easy to find a guy who loves you and is loyal! I'm assuming he is.

It seems like you have trust issues. All young bloods do. And when i say young blood, it doesn't correlate with age. More on experience. Anyway... you just need to understand. Your bf might be in a time where he is focusing much more in career advancement than a relationship. Or maybe he is facing mid life crisis. Or quarter mid life or whatever crisis you can think of.  But saying that, he still met you and you guys work a relationship out regardless.

I think, just from your story, there are priority issues. Your next conversation with him, maybe you can try talking about priorities. Don't lash it out asking him where do you stand. Maybe trying asking him his priorities in life, what he wants, where he wants to go, what are his goals, and what he wants in the future and does his future has you in it.

If you can see the future with him and so does he, then I think a little sloth is worth the wait. You need to see the bigger picture. Maybe you are too young to see it but if you don't try, you won't know.

I hope it helps. Nothing is easy in life. You just need to make the best out of what you have and what is given to you.

p.s. Dont overthink. It doesn't do you any good.

xo
tuls

my first POZ friend...

hey tuls, haven't met for a long time!! wanna meet up?

that was a text on facebook after 7 years of not meeting. he was my mate in highschool. we were close back then but of course with time, we grew apart minding our own little lives...

Carter gave the green light as we were reading that message together and after a few hours i was out the door to a cafe nearby...

he lost weight, a little darker than before, still tall as usual... still lame and funny.

we talk about everything under the sun, him and his life... work... studies... his big promotion...

me and my UK, studies, work, and basically everything to sum up the 7 years of absence...

and then...

he came out to me...

he used to have a gf... that being said, it's not an excuse for me to exclude him from the gay equation but i just never would have thought that he is.. maybe cos we used to be so close that the thought never came up?

anyway...

he told me about his sluttiness...

the usual...

not to say all gays fuck around... but like... with the apps and all, it's not as hard as it used to be...

i didnt hold back in telling him a little extra about myself too... and with that i came out to him too... not a surprise to him it seems, i wonder why........lol

anyway....

just when i thought that he fully came out from the closet, the next news he told me send him straight back in to where he started...

he is infected.

shutting himself out from everyone... well, except his bf...

i was so curious.... does your bf know?

yes, but he refuse to leave me, he is the one kinda taking care of me now..

wow...

its been 2 years...

oh... wow....       are you on meds?

yea... it's my first week...

oh.... ok. huh, as in... your CD4 just only drop? i mean like usually treatment starts when your CD4 count drops below a certain level...? and if im not wrong, current guidelines recommend to commence treatment as soon as infection is detected no?

hm... yea.... but.... i wasn't ready... so yea....

2 years huh.....

hm.....

you know who you got it from?

erm.... nope...

wait... do you bottom much?

well, i tried once but i didnt enjoy it...

oh, i mean like usually bottoms are more prone according to survey...

hm....

like.... do you use protection...?

er........... ..... ...... ......


with that pause, i knew he never use it at all...


how did you found out at first anyway?

one day when my bf and i wanted to do it.. we started kissing and he went down... as he was going to give me a bj, he stopped and said that there were red dots all over my dick and asked me to go get checked just incase...

hm....

i went... ....and i had Syph and also HIV....

2 in 1 combo...

haha... yea....   syph was gone after antibiotics... but yea...  before that too i kept falling sick and i have shingles and stuffs... i didnt realize i was infected then...

and like your bf... is he?

no.... he is not...

and he sticks with you till now? o m g how long have you guys been together?

3 years..

ok... win liao... like these kinda bf is rare and extinct!

hmm... yea....

..... you guys.... still do it?

no...

o m g! 3 years, no sex?

yup....

i will die if i monk for 3 months... lol..


and with that, i have my first POZ friend! lol. not that im collecting types of friends or what. but like, i mean i do know friends that are POZ that doesn't know that i know, usually through gossips... but like this is a friend that tells me directly. so yea, that makes him my first.

sky was pouring...

the heavens are crying....

it was gloomy and so i suggested that we go for a karaoke session and sing all our sorrows away...

2 years of knowing and preparing himself to start on a lifelong decision, taking meds on time is crucial because even taking an hour late from the proposed time could help the virus gain resistance to the current meds... HIV meds will keep increasing in that manner... i know a patient who was taking 40 tablets a day to control his infection. thats like crazy a lot. and hiv tablets are fucking huge.

so.... any side effects from the meds ?

haha.... i was flying ....

lol... like what? like high?

yup... sometimes i couldnt even get up in the morning... lol .... i think i need to get a doctors letter saying that im on meds that could make me woozy in the morning... lol... dowan later my company thinks i ponteng....

hm... true true....

o m g! no wonder you're so thin!!!

= ="

i also wanna be thin!

i slap you!



be safe people, be safe...
tuls

coping....

just found out that a dear friend's mum had passed on...

i don't really know how you feel, and i wont even try to imagine. i do not dare to picture my mum leaving me. it won't be easy for you. it might take some time...... or it might take forever for you to be ok. i dont know what is going on in your mind. i dont know whether has it hit you yet.

sometimes we wish that we could turn back time. i know that this is the time that you would wish for that.

when my granddad left us, it didnt really hit me until a month later. then, my tears were flowing like a broken tap. i was trying to be strong, i was trying to be ok. i smiled and i laughed. i go on living day to day knowing that someone dear to me is gone. never to return. i can only imagine that this hits you 10x or maybe 100x harder than what i had gone through.

i'm here for you.

your bf is there for you.

your friends will try to be there for you if you need them.



i just hope you found a way to cope.

still honeymooning...

hello bloggie. i am still at a tropical island having my morning breakfast with champagne :)

Carter's parents is coming to meet us as we speak. It is nice to spend time with the in laws. Not like we are married or anything. lol. I think this would be the third time going on a trip with Carter's parents. The nice part is his parents are cool, very open minded, very acceptive, easy going. I don't have to hide myself around them. I know im good with parents. lol. Maybe im just good with people in general *flip hair*...

but yea...

i just hope that this vacation doesnt end..

on the bright side we are going on a family trip with his parent next month again. lol. so yea, at least there is something to look forward to. some people hate when their in laws tag along in their vacation. lol. mine are a joy. and they laugh at my jokes! plus point! lol.

ok this is just a short updates. see you guys soon.

axe oh
tuls

honeymoon again...

so tomorrow we will kick off the next leg of our honeymoon.... a two week long tour across 2 countries! can't wait...

i am so excited that i couldnt sleep now...

i just need to get through work tomorrow and then i will be off!!!

lube, checked!
clothes... yup
bath salts!
hair spray!
my car...
bottled waters... ok...
shoes...
money....
passport.. oh my... nearly forgotten....

blah... cant think already...

ok... bye bloggie, will see you shortly :)

embarrassed grandson...

i went to a different branch outlet to work today. the branch is located in a shopping mall. the shop was full of people when an elderly man walked in..

he was walking up and down looking and browsing... isle to isle, item to item.. with his squinting eyes, he slowly put what he needs into the basket provided..

then came a fine young gentleman, prim and proper, with a slim tie, approaching the old man...

"this is my grandson" the old man proclaimed with a stern voice, making sure those around him knows about it.

when he walked to the cashier, he told the cashier staff the same thing.

when he came up to me to get some advice, he said it again too.

over and over he repeated the same thing to a point where it was kinda annoying..


his grandson, unbothered, was going through some hair products at a side...


i was just observing..... and i wonder, why is he so proud of his grandson? is he the gem of the family? or is it some behavioural condition that made him keep repeating himself?

standing at his grandson's shoes, i wouldve been so embarrassed by my own grandpa keep telling everyone that im his grandson.. maybe not embarrassed... maybe just annoyed?

seeing this old man reminded me of my own grandpa, how he was when he was still here, coping with Alzheimers, i think he wouldve done the same thing too.. if he goes out with me and kept telling everyone that im his grandson, i don't think i will be annoyed, i think i will be proud, feel blessed. like hey, his memory is gone or weak but at least he still remembers me as his grandson!! lol... but yea...

i miss grandpa...

i wonder what is it like over the other side when one has passed...

hmm..

Wonderer
tuls

where am i?

i last blogged in August, and before that i did too, inconsistently throughout the year since i came back from abroad.

what happened?

nothing slutty of course.


i was trying to get myself adjusted with everything.

my house no longer belongs to just me and my mum. there are other tenants that are living here now. mum rented practically whatever she could just to get some side income while i was away. it turned out quite well now as it is.

the weather has been a bitch. i always had this eczema thing going on. the heat was always my enemy and would be permanently a problem for me in this country. but of course, it's just heat, there are always alternatives to cool the body down....

trying to get a job then. i still have debts from my schooling days. im really glad that my awesome loaner didn't really rush me to pay him back what i owe. and im really glad that i had finally paid all that Keith had lend me for my tuition fees back in uni where my funds was cut off cos my awesome dad decided to use it for something better than my education. blah.

socially...
i was fresh in the market in Malaysia after 3 years of absence... well i assumed i was fresh.. lol still fabulous plus 10kilos extra! lol... yea i gained it in the first few months i came back. haha. some liked it, some hated it, most of us got used to it. i became plus size. yay. lovely. trying to get back in shape. that's been a problem since rice is my best friend and here in Msia we practically have rice-y meals in every street of the country!


and so i brought jboy to explore marketplace, met SKP over there. such a small world, SKP is very interesting! to those who doesnt know him,  he is loud, but he is kind and has a hot bod. lol promo sial. good bf material! lol.... .....but yea, i felt so out of the game when i was there. 3 years older makes me feel like i lost touch and i lost my game and i feel like i don't fit in the scene anymore.

i slowly gathered my army and got reunited with once upon a time friends and bloggers. the GB gang is now quite awesome in my opinion! the GB gang consist of 5 bloggers from my golden era. We try to meet up and hang out as much as we could. Effort is important in every relationship. You won't get anything out of it if you don't put any effort in maintaining it.

i tried dating, downloaded grindr, tinder, it's just so strange now to think of what i did then.

i met people.

after coming out from four different awesome relationships, i have my expectations. i have my doubts.

lots of instant cross out in guys that i was looking for. some criterias were quite substantial, some were superficial.... ....for example a guy in his 30s but still doesnt own a car nor have a driver's license despite having a decent good paying job; or the guy that doesn't have an air conditioning unit in his 2 room apartment; some are just sexually incompatible; mostly aren't interested in relationships...

then i met.... Carter. :)

it feels like my broken life has fallen into place. everything that i was looking for in a partner, he has it. but everything that i wasnt looking for, he has it too :)

no one is perfect they say.

so for a relationship to work, we try to cherish the other's pros, and of course we need to learn how to adapt to his cons, everything is about balance and compromise.

Carter smokes. I hate guys who smokes. He knows that. Compromise is that he never smoke around me. When he does, he always uses the lighter to compass the direction of the wind and sat at the direction of the flow so that I won't be affected :) also, i think i got addicted to his hands after he has a fag or two. I'm so used to that scent after smoking that if we ever meet and he hasnt smoke, and if i sniff his hands which i always do, my face would change. lol. the WHY-HAVENT-YOU-SMOKE face. lol..

on my end. i fart. i love to fart. i don't know how he compromise it. i just assume he does. lol. im not saying that he should. lol. i don't want him to get used to my fart-ings. he just does. somehow he did. ok i feel like this part of me sucks. but i feel like that is like one of my worst thing about me. obvious ones. maybe my friends doesn't need to know, ok maybe you guys doesnt need to know. but like whatever. im human. i fart. and i love to tell. lol. if you wanna hear it please hang out with me and i shall whisper it to you, lol, more like bombard it at your face.

we officially got together at Langkawi, the honeymoon period started then and i dont think it ended yet.

Carter wants it to be different this time. It is really different for me as he works abroad. It seems like long distance relationship all over again but we both put in effort to not make it feel like it.

he would travel to meet me as often as he could, once or twice a month, some short trips, some long ones..

we would go to places that we've not been, new places, new memories for the both of us... we travel almost every month to somewhere new.. it's something i don't see myself doing if it wasnt for him.. living life to the fullest..

i love it when we did a road trip from KL to Ipoh and then Penang and to Perlis then cross the border over to Hatyai, drive all the way up to Songkhla and then up north to Samui island then cross over to the west to Krabi and extend to Phuket then back to KL passing through Trang :) it was the best time of my life so far. My tummy suffered from severe withdrawal from all those awesome Thai food after that. haha... but it was a helluva journey...

so here i am.. still juggling with my 9-6 job.. and also with my precious Carter... my mum... and my friends...

i was so occupied with living that my priorities shifted..

it was a good change for me..

it is really nice to read back old entries and that kinda inspired me to write back again.. and also because a certain few people did really want me to do so... but nobody can force someone to write.. haha..

but yea...

so... here i am..

new entries... new memories...

axe oh axe oh
tuls

guilty pleasure....

the best feeling after coming home from work?

scratch my pubes!

scratch till it is almost red but not to the extent of scraping the first layer of the skin off! lol total bliss

______________________________

dear blog, ive been away for too long. i miss you, but i think you really need a make over. So.... after this, shall we do some spring cleaning? :)

did you any of you bloggers out there miss me? lol.. don't worry, i wont make a big deal even if you didnt comment after reading.... *inside joke* those who understood and laugh, please just keep it to yourself ok... 

tatafornow! axe oh axe oh

good deed : a stranger in the rain

a girl came in to my office today at 6.30pm, wearing blue t shirt and jeans, looking puzzled and a little wet from the rain..

i asked her whats wrong..

she said she was with a man, who promised her a job in KL, but then they had a disagreement, he then left her by the road side and drove off.

she said she lives near the Mines, and I was taken aback of how far she is from home.

i probe around and found out that she is an orphan who is 19 that doesnt live in an orphanage anymore, in her 2nd semester of accountancy in UCSI and doesnt have any money with her.

so i thought, ok why not help her get home, cos there is no public transport within 2km of this area.

and so i took an umbrella, walked with her to the nearest bus stop and waited for a taxi with her.

after waiting for 5 minutes, one of the lady in the crowd approached me and asked me where am i going, and so i said KL sentral. the lady said the few of them are going as well and asked whether we would like to join to share the fare. i smiled. i told the girl to follow the ladies, get to kl sentral and then take a ktm home. i gave her some money to take the taxi. i gave her some money for her ktm to the Mines. and i gave her some extra cash just in case she doesnt have enough. she thanked me and said "how can i ever repay you". i just smiled and say, "help someone home the next time", i left and walk back to the office after asking the working ladies at the bus stop to take good care of her..

i could see the bus stop from my office and from time to time i just keep looking at the bus stop to see whether any taxi stopped by for them.

after a couple of minutes, one taxi did, and when i thought she is going in to the taxi, she did not. i felt a little uneasy after that.

from a distance, both of our eyes met for a split second but i just kept doing what i was doing.

moments later she came back in, and i asked her why is she still here and that she hasnt left with the ladies?

she said she thinks she lost her phone and wanted to make a call and see who answers it. and so i let her, using the office phone.

she then say no one is answering and said that she might have lost it somewhere along the way.

something is amiss. my gut feeling is telling me something is.................... well.. i dont know.

the funny thing that happened next is that she say its ok, and that she will wait at another bus stop who has a larger crowd cos she said she saw more taxis over there just now.

i said go ahead. and i say hope that she reaches home safely. i smiled and she thanked me again and ask for my name card.

i told her "its ok, you dont have to repay me, i work here. you can always find me here".

she left soon after.

the other bus stop was not in sight from my office. and so the story ends here.




i try not to doubt or judge the girl, i know i did my best. putting myself in her shoes, i know how it feels if she really is lost. and so im content. but... hmm.. lol. i should stop here now.

new revelation of the past...

it's been a while since i had a heart to heart talk with my mum. traditional chinese families dont do heart to heart. showing love or concern is kinda a taboo. although there are no exchange of saying i love yous and physical hugs, you could still feel the love.

i dont consider my parents to be traditional at all, but, some traditional traits were passed down to them indirectly.

something happened today and it kinda brought up stuffs in the past. stuffs that i no longer wanna remember but yet cant avoid.

when i was younger, i dont really remember my mum cook at home at all. we would always order take out and would go to restaurants to eat dinner and all after school. up till now i still tell myself and friends that my family rarely cooks at home cos eating out really is cheaper than to cook at home, which is considerably true to think of it.

remember we used to go kenny rogers all the time? you know why we always go there? cos i dont have to pay by cash. i pay all using credit card, and then only pay minimal at the end of each month just to survive. i remember times when i dont even have cash to eat lunch. i would rather borrow from the bank than my siblings. yes they say family comes first, but all my siblings have got family of their own and sometimes its not as easy as borrowing from him or her, its more like borrowing from that family. 

well those days are gone, mum is no longer in debt thank goodness.

all my mums siblings are quite well off to do. most of them are quite strong in terms of religion and believing in God and all. they donate to their respective place of prayers every so often without holding back but that kinda irk me in a way now to think of it when they refuse to help mum but yet so willing to donate to something that is merely visible.

yes, i'm all out not a religious person. i can say that i dont believe in something that i cant see. i may not understand the supreme divine being that is higher than us. that aside, why can't you help your family before helping the church or temple? you do that because donating to the church makes you feel more noble? people noticed how much you donate and they praise and appreciate you more? for goodness sake your sister is suffering somewhere else...

i respect my elders, but that doesnt mean i need to like them... i still do go back to my mum's hometown for reunions and stuffs just for the sake of my mum... i dont really wanna.. there is nothing there to see other than relatives flaunting their riches at our faces..

you dont know how much i had to put up last time just to survive. i just dont say it out only.

that instance i nearly cried, but i didnt. it was the past and i'll just let it be. yes i may be hating my aunts and uncles but everything is ok now. mum is better now that im good boy stable earning a fixed income every month. i took over paying all the utility bills and car loans and just trying to ease her burden as much as i could.

i want to tell her that i love her very much, and i really do appreciate her, but because of the traditional family trait of not expressing that was indirectly passed to me, i didnt. but i know she knows and i know she knows that i know too. so its all good.


we will just love each other silently.

mugged...

a girl friend just got mugged by a group of 4.

it never occur to us about these things until it really happen to people around us.

she did not sustain any injuries nor harmed.

only money and phone was taken.

ive been thinking about it all afternoon, about what if i had went out with her today. she might've not been targeted.

then there are all the things that was going round my head about what happen if im at scene when it happens. i would draw out a samurai sword, grab my gf close around me and spin, slashing the four dickheads.. or if i have psychic power and i make them 4 stab each other to death.. or if i could grow twice my size and be like hulk and just crush and tear them apart.. lol... so many crazy things was going on up there.. haha...

but whatever pun, she is safe now.. just make sure she brings her umbrella along wherever she go. lol.

i asked a colleague of mine today on what if she was in my friend's position, what will she do? she said if there are things that are important to her that was in her purse, she would fight crazily for it..

hm... i guess she has her point... but is it worth to risk her life just to protect that "thing"?

:)

i really feel like killing those bastards. lol

there are lots of good strangers out there...

you know sometimes you have that feeling.. feeling of feeling feeling.. like sudden influx of emotions through your body for no reason..

well i just had one..

was showering and was thinking while looking at the ceiling...

i realize that im in malaysia...

like wow...

it took me half a year to really realize that..

....

im not sleeping the whole time...

i was just....... .............i dont know. suddenly i miss the cold miserable full of slutty fun life of England..

Keith texted me not too long ago and said that I had overdrawn 10pounds from my bank account and that the statement was sent to him... and i was like: REALLY?... and he was like: yea, i paid it off already..

:)

he is just too sweet... still sweet even after so long....

i do miss him..

he is a good chapter of my life.. Carter once said to me a year ago, he said: I think if Keith was 10 years younger you would have married him... 

i guess he is right, i said. haha.... silly keith... he texts me every now and then asking about life over here in malaysia, asking about Carter and I, my family.. he is really such a sweeet sweeet daddy. Anyone who wants a daddy in UK who doesnt mind him sexing me before can always contact me and I shall intro la.. LOL... JOking..

anyway...

chatting with Keith made me reminisce about the life i had in UK. the weather, the job, me taking the metro, my lovely awesome car, my graduation, how i struggled through uni while doing 2 jobs at the same time...

i had a great life there..

i always told myself, i wanna get out of the country for good, never wanna come back here, this place is a shithole...

being back here for 6 month, having someone special now, surrounded by friends and family, it feels like this is not a bad place after all...

haha..

i mean as long as youre content with what you have and where you are, i guess its all that you need to stick around..

or maybe im just too lazy to find a job in England, but whatever, thats not the main point..


i wanna thank those who wrote to me with their concerns and those who wanted to help for the past few years while i was abroad.. at times of trouble, you guys were there to support even though most of you dont even know me personally at all...

to that one person who helped me get tix to go home when i was in deep shit, i owe you the most, you helped me even though we havent met and that you only know my story through this blog... may God bless you always.. you dont know how much it meant to me that night, it was like 2 am in the morning, and my visa was like expiring in a month, and I was all alone, with no one to go to, insomnia kicked in, stress mode full on and with no security whatsoever, I texted you and..... ....just thank you so so much. Like the angmos like to say: youre an angel! :)

i've had lots of really good encounters in my life... lots of help here and there along the way.. i just wanna be that person in the future too, someone who could lend a hand to another person when he/she is in deep shit, whether its emotional, financial or physical support... i know i am trying to...



there are lots of good strangers out there, i wanna be a part of that society too..

till then... have a good year ahead to whoever who is still reading this dusty page :)

dried cum...

i woke up today, admiring my fat chest and to my amazement i saw a shiny scale... and i was like... wtf is that?

the end.