new revelation of the past...

it's been a while since i had a heart to heart talk with my mum. traditional chinese families dont do heart to heart. showing love or concern is kinda a taboo. although there are no exchange of saying i love yous and physical hugs, you could still feel the love.

i dont consider my parents to be traditional at all, but, some traditional traits were passed down to them indirectly.

something happened today and it kinda brought up stuffs in the past. stuffs that i no longer wanna remember but yet cant avoid.

when i was younger, i dont really remember my mum cook at home at all. we would always order take out and would go to restaurants to eat dinner and all after school. up till now i still tell myself and friends that my family rarely cooks at home cos eating out really is cheaper than to cook at home, which is considerably true to think of it.

remember we used to go kenny rogers all the time? you know why we always go there? cos i dont have to pay by cash. i pay all using credit card, and then only pay minimal at the end of each month just to survive. i remember times when i dont even have cash to eat lunch. i would rather borrow from the bank than my siblings. yes they say family comes first, but all my siblings have got family of their own and sometimes its not as easy as borrowing from him or her, its more like borrowing from that family. 

well those days are gone, mum is no longer in debt thank goodness.

all my mums siblings are quite well off to do. most of them are quite strong in terms of religion and believing in God and all. they donate to their respective place of prayers every so often without holding back but that kinda irk me in a way now to think of it when they refuse to help mum but yet so willing to donate to something that is merely visible.

yes, i'm all out not a religious person. i can say that i dont believe in something that i cant see. i may not understand the supreme divine being that is higher than us. that aside, why can't you help your family before helping the church or temple? you do that because donating to the church makes you feel more noble? people noticed how much you donate and they praise and appreciate you more? for goodness sake your sister is suffering somewhere else...

i respect my elders, but that doesnt mean i need to like them... i still do go back to my mum's hometown for reunions and stuffs just for the sake of my mum... i dont really wanna.. there is nothing there to see other than relatives flaunting their riches at our faces..

you dont know how much i had to put up last time just to survive. i just dont say it out only.

that instance i nearly cried, but i didnt. it was the past and i'll just let it be. yes i may be hating my aunts and uncles but everything is ok now. mum is better now that im good boy stable earning a fixed income every month. i took over paying all the utility bills and car loans and just trying to ease her burden as much as i could.

i want to tell her that i love her very much, and i really do appreciate her, but because of the traditional family trait of not expressing that was indirectly passed to me, i didnt. but i know she knows and i know she knows that i know too. so its all good.


we will just love each other silently.