new revelation of the past...

it's been a while since i had a heart to heart talk with my mum. traditional chinese families dont do heart to heart. showing love or concern is kinda a taboo. although there are no exchange of saying i love yous and physical hugs, you could still feel the love.

i dont consider my parents to be traditional at all, but, some traditional traits were passed down to them indirectly.

something happened today and it kinda brought up stuffs in the past. stuffs that i no longer wanna remember but yet cant avoid.

when i was younger, i dont really remember my mum cook at home at all. we would always order take out and would go to restaurants to eat dinner and all after school. up till now i still tell myself and friends that my family rarely cooks at home cos eating out really is cheaper than to cook at home, which is considerably true to think of it.

remember we used to go kenny rogers all the time? you know why we always go there? cos i dont have to pay by cash. i pay all using credit card, and then only pay minimal at the end of each month just to survive. i remember times when i dont even have cash to eat lunch. i would rather borrow from the bank than my siblings. yes they say family comes first, but all my siblings have got family of their own and sometimes its not as easy as borrowing from him or her, its more like borrowing from that family. 

well those days are gone, mum is no longer in debt thank goodness.

all my mums siblings are quite well off to do. most of them are quite strong in terms of religion and believing in God and all. they donate to their respective place of prayers every so often without holding back but that kinda irk me in a way now to think of it when they refuse to help mum but yet so willing to donate to something that is merely visible.

yes, i'm all out not a religious person. i can say that i dont believe in something that i cant see. i may not understand the supreme divine being that is higher than us. that aside, why can't you help your family before helping the church or temple? you do that because donating to the church makes you feel more noble? people noticed how much you donate and they praise and appreciate you more? for goodness sake your sister is suffering somewhere else...

i respect my elders, but that doesnt mean i need to like them... i still do go back to my mum's hometown for reunions and stuffs just for the sake of my mum... i dont really wanna.. there is nothing there to see other than relatives flaunting their riches at our faces..

you dont know how much i had to put up last time just to survive. i just dont say it out only.

that instance i nearly cried, but i didnt. it was the past and i'll just let it be. yes i may be hating my aunts and uncles but everything is ok now. mum is better now that im good boy stable earning a fixed income every month. i took over paying all the utility bills and car loans and just trying to ease her burden as much as i could.

i want to tell her that i love her very much, and i really do appreciate her, but because of the traditional family trait of not expressing that was indirectly passed to me, i didnt. but i know she knows and i know she knows that i know too. so its all good.


we will just love each other silently.

there are lots of good strangers out there...

you know sometimes you have that feeling.. feeling of feeling feeling.. like sudden influx of emotions through your body for no reason..

well i just had one..

was showering and was thinking while looking at the ceiling...

i realize that im in malaysia...

like wow...

it took me half a year to really realize that..

....

im not sleeping the whole time...

i was just....... .............i dont know. suddenly i miss the cold miserable full of slutty fun life of England..

Keith texted me not too long ago and said that I had overdrawn 10pounds from my bank account and that the statement was sent to him... and i was like: REALLY?... and he was like: yea, i paid it off already..

:)

he is just too sweet... still sweet even after so long....

i do miss him..

he is a good chapter of my life.. Carter once said to me a year ago, he said: I think if Keith was 10 years younger you would have married him... 

i guess he is right, i said. haha.... silly keith... he texts me every now and then asking about life over here in malaysia, asking about Carter and I, my family.. he is really such a sweeet sweeet daddy. Anyone who wants a daddy in UK who doesnt mind him sexing me before can always contact me and I shall intro la.. LOL... JOking..

anyway...

chatting with Keith made me reminisce about the life i had in UK. the weather, the job, me taking the metro, my lovely awesome car, my graduation, how i struggled through uni while doing 2 jobs at the same time...

i had a great life there..

i always told myself, i wanna get out of the country for good, never wanna come back here, this place is a shithole...

being back here for 6 month, having someone special now, surrounded by friends and family, it feels like this is not a bad place after all...

haha..

i mean as long as youre content with what you have and where you are, i guess its all that you need to stick around..

or maybe im just too lazy to find a job in England, but whatever, thats not the main point..


i wanna thank those who wrote to me with their concerns and those who wanted to help for the past few years while i was abroad.. at times of trouble, you guys were there to support even though most of you dont even know me personally at all...

to that one person who helped me get tix to go home when i was in deep shit, i owe you the most, you helped me even though we havent met and that you only know my story through this blog... may God bless you always.. you dont know how much it meant to me that night, it was like 2 am in the morning, and my visa was like expiring in a month, and I was all alone, with no one to go to, insomnia kicked in, stress mode full on and with no security whatsoever, I texted you and..... ....just thank you so so much. Like the angmos like to say: youre an angel! :)

i've had lots of really good encounters in my life... lots of help here and there along the way.. i just wanna be that person in the future too, someone who could lend a hand to another person when he/she is in deep shit, whether its emotional, financial or physical support... i know i am trying to...



there are lots of good strangers out there, i wanna be a part of that society too..

till then... have a good year ahead to whoever who is still reading this dusty page :)

you control your own destiny...

hey, youre not back for 3 years, not homesick arr?

my honest answer. no.

one of my cousins said that im being ungrateful, thinking that malaysia is not good enough for me..

arent you lonely? i mean i know you dont really have anyone there, no family whatsoever right?

i think i love the freedom and im not afraid of being lonely... i rather be lonely than to be back home..

if im alone in the UK i would usually just walk to the beach and clear ma mind, breathe in the sea breeze, its just so calming... well its easy for me as i live near the sea...

i can easily drive out to the gay scene and just go to saunas or pubs and mingle.. and of course also enjoy the sex there.. without fear of raids whatsoever...

i feel like i was born in the wrong country.. lol.. the western culture especially the gay-tolerant culture is more suitable for people like us...

im not homesick doesnt mean that i dont have my family values and shiz.. i love my family, but no one can stop me when it comes to what i want in life.. i guess everyone should live a life of their own and not someone else's. i would respect if you would want to go home after your studies from overseas because family comes first for you. but i would despise you if you were to go home just because your family wants you to and its not your own intention..

we are all living beings and each one of us should in a way control our own destiny. 

i love my family and i know that no matter what i do in life, i know that as long i am happy, my family would be happy too. sometimes they might not agree with what you do, but it doesnt mean it is the wrong thing to do.

i am back!

so, its official.

i am back in hellhole country.

it is summer all year long with high of 37 degrees celcius and low of 26 bless my soul!

i started sweating as a stepped out of the plane and my o my it was pouring! i sweat when i walk, i sweat when i sit, i sweat wherever as long as there is no air conditioning. Like crazy. I am not complaining, I am just ranting! lol hahahahaha... i should be used to the heat since im born here but nah, have to readjust after so long..

i've recently got a new temporary phone and phone number so whoever who wants to keep contact please pm me on facebook or just send us an email and i will revert back to you as soon as possible, for those who think they do not need to give me their number since ive got their whatsapp please reconsider as my old phone was rresetted for some effing reason and everything was erased, all my homemade porn etc.. lol joking...

anyway, its good to be back for the right reason but mostly wrong if im being honest! lol...

my sweat is dripping down from my chin as we speak and it is not a pleasant sight! please beware when you wanna meet ok! :)

and i welcome everyone back here and hopefully we shall meet up soon! :)

muacks xoxo..

im coming home...

thanks for those who commented in the last post, and to those who texted and called.. thanks thanks so much... my exam went great, to be honest i didnt really study for it for the past month, maybe cos I'm consistently doing it over the year. 

after that intense insomnia, i know if i dont do anything i wont get to sleep... and so i contacted a reader/friend who wanted to help me a few years ago when i first got here and was in deep shit... although he was busy at work but he terus bought me my flight tix home :) :) 

maybe i will need to sell buntut to bayar him back! hahahaha...

but anyway, at least that is settled.. so peeps, Im Coming Home soon..

work wise, I dont have a definite answer from my current employer yet but he contacted me last week and said that he wants me to apply for the position he is gonna post next week just for the visa formality, it states that they need to make sure there are no other local candidates could take up the place before they will consider foreign workers.. urgh.. stupid sohai visa thing...

i cant really argue so i will just apply for it la, he also got say that the chances of me getting it is very high and said that they already plan to hire me but just need to do this so that they can explain it to the immigration department if they ever ask...

its all verbal la but hopefully they mean what they say la.. im being optimistic but im not chucking all my hopes in it.. haha... actually i did...

so....

hopefully everything turns out good la..

if i get the job then i will be back for a few months then balik sini liao :)

since i moody i havent had sex.. :( thats so rare... i even rejected sex offers, thats like so not me LMAO! hahahahahahaha

i need to get my sexty back soon... lol

young and cute chinese new year..

this year's cny i spent it all alone, well, at least for the first day...

it was as usual a working friday but i took the day off and just sleep...

woke up made lunch and study... lol of all thing study? yup.... mentah mentah Monday got some small scale exam thing..

anyway.. just realize its February already!!! February is also the young and cute month for the blog! lol.. to be honest i totally forgotten the reason of why Young and Cute February was started at first.. i forgotten what ignite the fire in me to do that last year(or was it the year before).. im known to forget stuffs.. hahaha.. memory is my weakest link i guess... anyway, and so i asked my fellow good blogger brother buddy friend brother and to my horror i totallly forgotten such incident happened then!! lol...

anyway, to cut things short, im not having YnC month this year... BECAUSE IM FOREVER YOUNG AND CUTE SO 2014 iS YOUNG AND CUTE YEAR WOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

bitch TAKE THAT!!

i think i siao...

TODAY is gonna be awesome!

TOmorrow is also GONNA BE AWESOME!!

my tummy will also be awesome!! :)

i just realize i didnt call home to wish new year..

haha.......

they must be thinking im such an unfilial kid...

hm....


whatever la, as long as i know myself cukup la kan, tak yah prove anything to anyone...


im so tired..

im so sleepy....

im not making sense now......

im loving my new haircut!!!

i neeeed to sleep...

good night.

last day here in the place i call home...

as i wash and put all the dishes back into the cupboard, the kitchen looked so empty...

it looked so clean, so deserted..

this is where all the magic happens.. i cooked here, i did the laundry, all my maid preps and..


the kitchen breathes my name, my scent, my air...

as i close the kitchen door behind me, i couldn't help but shed a tear...

its gonna be my last night here in this place...

i puffed up each of the red pillows on the long L shaped sofa as though I'm saying my last farewell to each and one of them...

im gonna miss this place so much..

taking each slow step as i walk up the red-carpeted stairway.. i could feel the softness of the fabric caressing the sole of my feet as though they are waving goodbye in their own way...

as i step into the shower and take my last shower of the night i couldn't help but imagine what will this house be like without me..

well, ...

i guess its not up to me to think about all these..

at least i took good care of this house for a month since he's been gone..

this place looked good..

this place looks presentable...

as least i live up to my maid status.. haha....    :)


tugging myself in bed with two layers of duvet over my naked body, i look up and out the window...

the stars are telling me I'm doing the right thing..

the moon nods giving me the green light to sleep...

knowing that Keith will be back tomorrow and that my life will be different altogether..

will i be able to cope..

will i adapt..

?

i won't have the luxury of having someone driving me around..

i won't have someone to pick me up from work anymore...

i.....



i will be fine..

i will be..

i just need some time...

Finally graduated and moved in!! :)

Thank you thank you semua!

Although i didnt get first class, it is still an honours degree.. lol.. sekadar cukup la kan..

everything is kinda falling into place bit by bit..

i moved everything to Keith's place on tuesday and now im in the midst of unpacking, unpacking is such a bitch, like seriously. i think i need another week. moreover he hasnt tidy up the place for my barang so i yang kena buat all, i have to clean the shelves to put my stuffs.. benci kan.. lol... now the living area and the study is full with my barangs.. like literally cannot walk like that.. hahahahaha...

graduation is in 2 weeks.. i cant wait to wear the robe and jalan jalan.. hahahaha.. looking at all those photos people ambik, its just another ceremony yang kena pakai formal nia kan.. im gonna sweat la in this heat of 15 degrees... urgh... lol.. masih nak complain i know... hahahahah...

visa is in the making so ok la... im officially starting work in August!! thats another anticipation :)

now im officially a fulltime maid. no more in the making. memang made maid! lol..

anyone wants to lend a hand?

xoxo