t u l s

t u l s

Friday, September 28, 2012

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

a humble start...

im drinking a cup of old town hazelnut 3 in 1 coffee munching on tesco value white chocolate bar while typing this as emeli sande's read all about it is playing in the background...

the past week was crazy and i cant imagine that in such short span of time so many things happened..

im really overwhelmed by the whole situation..

now that im thinking back on what took place over sips of fragrant coffee and soothing music, i cant really hold back tailed pearls that trails down my cheeks..lol.. too fancy for my standards liao..

but seriously..

its so so so not easy to put oneself up there on the spotlight of seeking help, you will have to brace yourself for rejections, for opinions(negative or positive)....

i never felt so vulnerable in my life... my heart and soul was at its most fragile state...

im really fortunate to have so so so many people that offered a helping hand... *hands rubbing chest while exhaling deeply*


was drenched walking to uni today and.. as i sat down in that lecture theater, the soggy soaked feeling did not affect me at all...

i looked around...

took a deep breath and felt the most uplifting spirit to start this new and final year of uni..

i felt so "guai"(good boy) kinda feel all of a sudden but i think its only temporary nia cos its not my nature.. haha.. im more of a "siao"(crazy) kinda person.. haha...

but yea, its definitely a different beginning..

inception of the last year in uni...

Monday, September 24, 2012

thank you..

im really thankful for everyone that has sent their emails, texted, everyone that asked, everyone who has showed their concern over the matter..

the money is sorted for now. im really grateful that so many offered to help and its really overwhelming for me as im just an anonymous, i might be fake person over here and there are so many people trying to lend a hand..

i felt really blessed, deeply touched and loved by everyone and like.. words couldnt describe how much each and every wish and prayer and thought means to me..

but like from the deepest part me..................

thank you.

yous know who yous are.. *hug so so so tight*


Saturday, September 22, 2012

all i want..

all i want now is for someone to hug me so tight and tell me that everything is gonna be alright...

Friday, September 21, 2012

empty promises...

so my third year of uni starts with the separation of bubu and I,  to the rebound relationship, then the scare of my life of failing my exams then to a lil glimpse of future working life... just as I thought of starting my final year and the urge of wanting to graduate, another bomb was dropped on me..

my funds werent coming in from Malaysia.

im not asking for much, i just need my tuition fees and rent thats all..

utilities and living expenses i can cover with money earned over the summer..

i was promised by dad saying that he will be sending money over since July and I naively waited..

i should have known better.. he is my dad after all..

i never demanded anything before because i knew i wont be getting it..

since 12 years young i was promised this and that and never once he managed to keep it..

to the extent where i lost hope in my own dad..

mum was the only one who raised the family up till now..

deep down, im always yearning for him to change and try keeping to his promises..

when we chose this course together, dad said that he will be able to use his EPF and pay for my tuition fees and asked me not to worry..

i trusted him.

3 years later.. im stuck. stuck at this place so far from home, i have got no one to turn to, no place to go but just hopelessly breakdown.... within this four walls..

all i can do is hoping everyday that dad would send some money..

i skyped mum just now, and i told her that i could try discussing with the bursary unit and told her that I'll try to negotiate and see how long can i delay the payment..

i told her i would let her know by tomorrow..

bursary said end of October.. and so that would be it..
before she left the screen she said to me: dont worry so much ok, everything is gonna be ok..

being so far from comfort, thats the only thing i needed to hear to gladly turn off skype..

but now that i think back, she would be the one that is worrying the most..

her son, so far away from home, all he wanted was to graduate and he could work already, a job is even there waiting for him to start..

and now she has to go and search for money..

so much must have went thru her mind there..

im just worried for her..

i tried approaching friends for money but... haha.. who am i kidding...

i feel so embarrassed asking for money, and i dont like money affecting relationships so sometimes i dont even wanna talk about it or like even try...

but all i want now is just to graduate..


Thursday, September 20, 2012



it could be your best friend and also your worst enemy..

some people have lots of it,  they are born with it, inherited it, or given by their parents..

spend them like water, yet never seems to run out..

some people have just enough to live, fulfilling the daily needs and splurge on their desire once awhile, content with what they have..

some just dont have any...

when they want some, who can they go to?

the rich ones will think you are tryin to take advantage of them, they scare you wont pay them back, and so they will avoid you..

those who have just enough cant really help you cos if they do, they will be in deep shit themselves..

so what can you do?

yup, you can earn for it, be it a long period where you suffer first and enjoy the reward later..

but what if its emergency?

they say close friends would understand and help you whenever they could..

i don think anyone would be in any right mind to think of burdening their friends or just to think or borrowing money from your friends makes you feel ashame, no?

i would..

asking for money from someone is sometimes worse than .....  .... i feel so shameless..


i'll just defer my studies for a year and see how things goes after that la..

no point regretting..

im so far away from home and so near from graduating..

really mood spoiler la..

obstacles one after another..

well, this is a good one... haha.. hopefully optimism could help a lil la....

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

officially dating again..


good news for me..

after so long! haha....

like a YESSSSSSS!! FINALLYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kinda feeling..

well, here not easy to find ma..

maybe im just too picky..

but seriously more difficult la..

but yeah, still perfectly single, but the dating thing really keeps me moving! at least there is an aim now.. haha...

have to change blog pic sin!!!! :)

Sunday, September 16, 2012

my boat...

my boat, there was a hole on one end of the boat all along and i was there standing on it for 21 months but i had to step aside after that and together with bubu we just stood aside and watch the boat sink...

tragic yes, but at least the boat was with us for 21 months and we had sailed across a few seas.. the experience is what matters right? :)

i miss the boat..

i miss us..

i miss him..

Friday, September 14, 2012

1 boat 2 holes...

no point saving a relationship if only one party is putting effort in...true?

but the thing is, when we are so in love, sometimes we dont even realize that suddenly the relationship has become one-sided..

we will be in denial, thinking that if we were to somehow change in certain ways, the other party would want us back..

we will give excuses for everything we think he does wrong and try to justify that its nothing, but in fact deep down we are more and more suspicious...

or maybe we try to apologize and try to win the other party's heart back..

well sometimes it does the trick but that will have to depends on the severity of the problem of the relationship cos every case is different and unique on its own..

but the thing is, when one side has already gave up on the relationship, there's no point in saving it already, just imagine there is two holes on the boat on each end and youre the only one that is trying close one of the hole, the other one will still cause the boat to sink...

and if youre the one that has fallen out of love, please do tell the other partner as soon as possible cause there is no point wasting your own time and his...

chinese direct translation: long pain why not short pain..

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

job confirmed after graduation!

so i secured one year of job after graduation! yay!! the offer letter just came in wohooooooooo!!

my final year havent even start and i feel like i cant wait to graduate now!!

im gonna move up north from where i am now and that would bring me closer to Vince and Jason, if they are still around la..

i can now not need to think of looking for job after graduation and just focus on succeeding my last year here in uni..

a bonus would be getting a partner along the way! haha..

well done tuls!! keep up the good work!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

im happy when i see you happy.... NOT!!

we broke up.. became friends..
we talk as normal, text as normal, skype as normal..
sometimes we meet, sometimes we dont..
everything seems so normal..
not long later you found someone else ............. and you guys look so cute together.. bla bla bla
we dont talk, text or skype no more...
we never meet after that..
you were too busy with him..

do i still miss you? yes..
but what can i do?
all i can say is: im happy when i see you happy... i wish you all the best..

thats in the movies la k!

in real life..


kan ? kan? kan????

jokes aside...

thats what usually happens right?

we wished them the best, saying corny stuffs like we see them happy then we ourselves will be happy for them etc but in fact, we are the ones that is hurting the most..

will it be different if we were to found someone else??

.... hopefully la..

Thursday, September 6, 2012


humans are like bags, comes in all shape and sizes..
paper, plastic, branded, all of different classes..

plastics are very common, you see them everywhere..
on the streets and highway, you don't even want to care..
we used them only once, from point A to point B..
we chuck them later to the bin, then there's nothing left to see..

paper bags are better, people will take more notice..
we use them once or twice, from shopping to the office..
always keep them far, from water and all the weight..
cos once they are torn, people forget about it..

then there's the branded one, shiny glam and all that..
sometimes we don't use it, scare that it will spoil and tear..
we keep them on one side, and display it one by one..
we collect all of them, but we never use it once..

so what bag are you? paper, plastic or branded?
i hope that you are none of them, cos you have better standards..

~ tuls 2012 ~

Monday, September 3, 2012

im free...

free in the sense that i have got three weeks to spare before uni starts again..

summer placements finally ended! wohooooooooo!!

im going to the pantai tomorrow!!

the pantun on the previous post was written within 5 minutes.. haha.. out of randomness after talking to bubu..

our lives are so different now.. the friends we mix around and etc..

to be honest, i feel like so kekurangan kawan yang boleh bercakap tentang gay stuffs here in UK..

back home i can turn to any corner and there will be someone.. here i have to jaga and like think before doing something..

ive bought a bus pass to work before this.. it expires next monday i think.. so im gonna fully utilize it to explore the my own city... haha..

i slept for 10 hours the day before and 9 hours yesterday...

so much for collecting my sleep debt, but i dont think it will ever pay off fully..


i wanna go for a break....

anyone in UK wanna go hang kai with me? or let me crash their place(thick skin)? pm me thanks...

i shall post pics of the places i go to in the upcoming posts... muacks...