t u l s

t u l s

Friday, December 27, 2013

Thursday, December 26, 2013

the day you realize you love someone so much...

with bubu, i love him so much since the day i met him and my love towards him never changed throughout the 21 months we were together..

with keith, i think its kinda the same..

i think im the type that if i think im really into him, i will fall for him fast, love him to bits and keep loving him till the end...

when i got separated with bubu, it was so hard living so far away from him being 7000 miles apart..

i cried so hard over the first few months when i first got here..

with Keith, it was today that i cried the hardest..



its been almost two months since we separated, it is only today when i really see him again after so long that i realize i really do love him this much..

the whole time we were together, never did i say i love him, nor from him to me..

its always been unclear or just a mutual understanding thing..

from him fetching me from mine back to his, and then have breakfast together, then watching him coming home in the evening and with cuddles and kisses all seems so nostalgic and its kinda like what we would do before...      he would fetch me from my place, i used to live 30mins drive away from him and he would come pick me and back to his place then drop me off home too... breakfast was our saturday routine where he would make it and present it in front of me and wake me to eat it.. this time i was the one who was doing it and it feels good... coming home in the evening was a routine thing when i started working.. cuddles and kisses are usually to end the day and so today was kinda like a collection of things we would do kinda thing and it just feel so so comfortable..

i miss keith a lot...

i really do...

its only today that i realize that i love him so much... being with keith is so comfortable, its so... i feel so taken care of... he is a gentleman, he spends money wisely, he is caring, sometimes doesnt really know how to express his feeling but thats ok, its a very manly trait thats quite cute in a way...

he is so so plain and basic and his life is so simple... its so me... i feel like what we want is so similar...

all these while even after separating i still have his set of house keys..

today i asked him: hm.... do you want your key back?

saying that brought me to tears...

and he replied: well, only if you want to...

...


i slowly unchain the keys from my keychain and as i put it in his hands, it started raining down my cheek...

it feels like im officially ending something, something that i love so much and im kinda giving up on it... which makes me feel so terrible...

me crying makes him hug me even tighter and of course he teared too, he tries to hide but.. haha... red eyes dont lie..

i think i cry hard for a good whole minute or 2 and then i just uttered out: if only you were 20 years younger....

he hugged me even tighter and replied: if you were 20 years older i would marry you tomorrow...


i feel so happy to hear that and i... i cry even harder...

thats when i realize that the next one that i love, i will kinda go all out and try to make it work, and marriage would be the ultimatum and it would be so so meaningful and special...

he sent me home after that...

it was not easy, breaking up is not easy, letting go is even harder...




i just hope everything will be ok..

im such a wreck now.. haha... im like a crybaby today...


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

xmas at keith's..

Keith!!! rescue me!!!

mm...

my landlord wants to invite me to his mums for dinner! awkward!!! no.....

lol, i'll see you in an hour?

ok!!!

youre cooking!!

err... no problem!!!!

and so i packed all my chicken and mushrooooms and oyster sauce and king prawns, thought of making him kingprawn chicken in oyster sauce with mushroom cos i know its his favourite, i even brought along a tub of ice cream and bread just in case wanted some toast...

i brought my laptop and all my gadgets plus my toiletries... and also some homework cos i know keith will be heading to his mum's sometime for xmas dinner...

anyway..

so he came and fetched me back to his place..

so... what time you wanna eat?

well, after this when we get home..

ok!!! well, im making us oyster sauce kingprawn and chicken ok! with lots of mushrooooooms!! i know you love your mushroooms!!

you know i love my mushrooms but im going over to mothers for dinner later...

err... so?

well... i cant be having that then dinner...

why not?

cos it would be like a 4 course thing...

well, what about tonight then?

well... i will be toooo full then...

but... you said that im cooking?!

well breakfast..

-.- oh..... but i brought a kilo of chicken and 2 pounds worth of mushrooom!! 

WHAT!!!

how would i know?!?!?!

hahahahaha

so what you want to eat?

well, coffee and toast?

-.-



so we reach his place with 2 presents waiting for me.. aww... so sweet...

there was a card attached to it but i didnt read it... i put it aside and we hugged for a good 5 minutes...

he eyes were in tears...

that made me teared too...

he said he missed me so so much...

hm...

i do too but... ...as a friend now...

then..

in the midst of the hug he said the three words...

hm....

well i dont know how to comprehend or react i just kept hugging him and just stay put...





it was nice...

the feeling was good...

to hug someone you loved before...




i made us breakfast, the way he likes his toast, loads of butter with a thin layer of peanut butter, strong nescafe gold blend with half sugar and 2 coffeemate... hm... and we sat by the fire watching tele and enjoy breakfast...


we kinda kissed but could feel that i was avoiding the lips... and i think he get the signal but that didnt stop him from hugging me... after breakfast we hugged and cuddled for about an hour before he left to his mums...


i admit i have a hard on(which is rare) and he did too and we almost did it but i know it would hurt him too much if we did so we didnt...


while he was hugging me from behind..


so... have you met anyone lately? (i saw the box of condoms that he had when i first met him)

erm.. yea....

(acting shocked) what?!?!

well, you dumped me!!! 

hahahahahahaah... what!!!

so did you had sex?!!?

well.. sort of ....

what do you mean?

well, you know im shy....

urgh....

how tall is he?

well about... 5' 6?

gosh, you can lift that with one hand!! so turn off!!

lol.. youre evil!!

what!!!!

youre the tallest asian i met and to be honest i was quite intimidated by you!!

WHY?!?!?!?! I AM SO TAMED!!

but youre so big!! well, not big..... as in tall!

-.- i know mine is cute! fine! go away!!!




so... how old is he??

about 30..ish..

hm... cute?

well, not too bad...

urgh... good for you...

i miss you so much....





....are you gonna meet him again?

well, yea.....unless....

huh?

unless...(looking at me hinting)...

keithy, no unless....YES then i will meet him again...

-.-

(both laugh)



then he went to his mums after that....




i took a shower, i layout all my toiletries and my hairdryer on the table of my old changing room... it feels.... ... .....so nostalgic....

its been almost 2 months...



then i remembered the card,


i sat down on the long sofa and tug myself under the blanket in front of the fire and start reading the card...

it was only a short paragraph but i couldnt stop crying after that...

it goes like....


Dear Tuls,

Wish you every happiness and hope you find someone to share your life with. I guess I always knew we would be together for only a short time but I was always so happy with you there, Love you always..

even typing this make me cry...


yes...

yes i did love him a lot before...

but...

...

haha...

i dont know...

well, i know what i want but....



i just saw the card i gave him last week in front the fire place...



Keithy,

You know I love you and I will always do. Its been a very difference experience being with you, with the age difference and all but I never regretted knowing you and being with you. You were a great part of my life and will always be. You must never feel bad thinking that youre not good enough for someone. Wish you all the best Keithy. Merry Xmas. Love, me..



Anyway I'm sat at the same position, watching Peter Pan while typing this.. its almost 1pm now.. its a cold day today... but the fire is keeping me warm...

Merry Xmas everyone...



Wednesday, December 18, 2013

sex conversation...

this post is inspired by Kiddystick's SEXASATION.


new sex couples are usually more verbal, more tolerable, more naive, more understanding, more intense... impressions are quite intense at the first round so we kinda wanna give out our best first impression during sex so that the other party would want it more in the future.. partners would usually tolerate imperfections(pain, smell, sweat, lighting, voices, surrounding) more during the first few times... having said that, they usually will come prepared with fancy perfumes, clean shaved body, lots of lube, maybe douched etc..

humans we learn from experience and usually sex would get better over time as we know each other's pleasure points and what not to do kinda thing..

talking about basic words that are uttered during sex, i only can come out with the following..... and oh, this is from a bottom's point of view la k.. the list is not exhaustive so feel free to add in the comments below ok..


ahhh eeeee iiiii ooooo uuuu(depends on individual moans)....
fuck me...
harder,...
slow down...
deeper....
yea baby...
ah.... slow down tiger...
thats soooo deeep... ahh.....
where do you wanna cum? 
cum all over me!!!
in my mouth!!
im gonna cum im gonna CUM AHHHHHH!


after being in a relationship long enough, you will be surprise on what conversation surfaces during sex..


ahhh ahhhh.....hey, what do you wanna have for breakfast tomorrow morning...
hey, i just realize you got a mole on your arm...
fuck.. fuck.. fuck... ouch, it hurts, told you to go slow before this right?!!
lets try something else, im quite tired squating...
are you coming soon? no? hm... can we continue it later? my ass is sore...
i like it when you do it sideways, can you just keep it at that position please...
ouch, ouch, wrong hole wrong hole... no no no.... ...do you wanna switch on the lights?


or maybe sometimes.. sex doesnt even happen....


sorry, im not ready for sex tonight...
havent shit yet, feeling stuffed, tomorrow la...
im quite tired... maybe tomorrow...
i got no mood... tomorrow la...
i cum 4 times today already while youre at work, hm... maybe tomorrow...


anyone of you had kinda similar conversations before? hahahaah... care to share!!??

tell me those arent just me? i dont know la... lol

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

post cum...

10 mins after cuming...



ee.....

why wet one...

*use finger wipe off cum from dickhead*

*taste in mouth*

mmmm.........

yumyum..

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Ups and Downs..

lets talk about the Ups ok...

Well, Im like totally over Frankie.. period.

well, it wont be easy if i havent met little Tom. :) hahahahahah.. suddenly another character came up! hahahaha.. its so so so  confusing for me too cos I realize there are lots of fake names that i came up with and I wont be surprise if I mixed one of them up with another... lol

anyway...

well, Little Tom and I are just going out as friends.. nothing more.. the fact that im not sure whether I'll be here permanently or not kinda decide the state of us now... moreover his ex(an asian) that needs to leave the country in January kinda got engage and getting married end of this month 2 months after breaking up with little Tom. so Tom has his own reservation on the whole relationship issue ..

haha..

but that aside, im kinda quite happy right now with what i have and what im going thru now...

Tom reminds me of bubu in a way, a little shorter than me, dark hair with a little dash of blondeness, slim, cute to me, huggable and just so... haha.. and still a virgin... oh my, friends say that im a virgin magnet.. i cant really help it la.. hahahaha...

.......

I moved in to this new place...

Keith's house used to be my room and now my room is my room and to fit Keith's house into my room is just impossible hahahaha.. so in a way my room is kinda cramped and feels like im a student all over again...

i have the whole house to myself most of the week as my landlord works away quite often but when he comes back, gosh, the state of the house is crazy, a mess, dirty and what not and i will be like the maid that cleans up after that...

remember reading or watching cinderella cleaning the floors with cloth and everything, i do that too, like the same, using cloth and tissue rubbing the bathroom and all.. haha.. but once the house is clean i got a sense of satisfaction :)

........

Niey is in surgery as we speak, or maybe its been done but i havent heard from him...

i just hope it goes well this time round, its the brain that is been cut up...

i couldnt contain myself last night when we spoke before him going in...

........

Xmas this year is in the mid of the week Wed and Thursday holiday and im fucking working Monday Tue and Friday.. kinda stupid and silly cos i cant take any holiday in december -.-

and being in the angmo cuntry, everything shuts on xmas day, all transportation system is down and all shopping malls etc.. basically its just a dead day...

so i think i will just rot and lay egg on xmas day...

landlord asked me to join him on xmas... e....... sounds dodgy, so i might think twice.. havent accept it yet.. so see how la...

........

Sunday, November 24, 2013

say something im giving up on you...

i dont really know what i want..

how long will i have being here is still a mystery... i wanna stay but is it even possible?

he on the other hand wants to go to some asian country so badly... and if not, he will wanna go Paris...   .




say something by a great big world is on repeat for the whole night...




it doesnt feel right..

nothing feels right right now...

i dont think im fit to be in a relationship now..

well, not until im stable down at a place...

that being said, how would i know i wont here?

hm...



anyhow, Frankie doesnt seem to fit the pic well anyway...

i gave up texting him..

its been two days and i dowana be the one who is always initiating a conversation.... the last thing that went thru 2 days ago were

hey, youve been quiet today..

yea, im sorry, been busy this week...


yea.. i dont really wanna hear bullshit...

just a text..

doesnt really take you 2 secs




say something im giving up on you...


Monday, November 18, 2013

wild sex fantasies with my landlord...

im destined to be the maid forever! lol..

my landlord left the house in a hurry and wasnt gonna be back for quite some time and guess what, he was half way doing his laundry and interrupted my laundry washing time thingy and i have to dry his and fold and text him and he was like: mate, im so sorry i was in a rush...

and being the kind maid me, i folded each and every single piece of fabric and lay it properly aside for him when he returns...

he is gonna be acting in a local series next year and he is kinda building his body for the movie and like his butt is so so tight and his forceps.... and ... erm.. nevermind... he is hot la my landlord, and he is young and suckcessful and... anyway.. i just had a fantasy having wild sex with him in the living room -.-

wtf..

yes.. i admit...

but like omgosh this is so not professional!!

and he is straight omgosh...

but he is so hot...

and its gonna be so wrong and awkward!!!!

LOL...

ok im not gonna talk anymore...

Sunday, November 17, 2013

we are only friends now..

well, i still have feelings for him, its not something that could be erased overnight.. but i hope with time everything will be ok.. as for now, we are only friends.. 

i think we will meet up quite often for meals and stuffs cos we do live quite near each other and like.. why not..

haha...

it was an emotional day for me when keith returned from his trip..

at first i thought im gonna as in i could hold from crying but when he came through the door with his arms open, i couldnt help but to pour out like a small kid...

holding him for about 5 mins seems like 2 hours..

he being the manly man he is hold on to his tears but i know he did tear..

silly keith...

we went for a last meal before he send me off to my new place...

i know its kinda wrong for him to send me to my new place but i needed his help to bring some of my furniture over..

hm...

during the meal, we were talking about his trip and it just hit my mind to ask him about...

so, did you had sex during the trip?!

well of course!! you dumped me!!

hey!!!! what..... you call that dump!!

hahahaha.. yes!!! i was depressed then.. it took me two days for it to sink in...

lol.. omgosh!!! were you protected?!!??!!

yea...

omgosh.... is he asian??

erm.. yea.

is he tall?

5 8...

oh, thats short... *flips hair*

he is a cabin crew...

-.- such a short cabin crew, how did he qualify?

he works for malaysian airline..

-.- wtf......

but he is indonesian i think..

whatever...

since you had sex with someone else then im not gonna have break up sex with you la..

-.- ... nothing beats cuddling..

urgh..... cabin crew... urgh... *rolleyes*

why??

where are your standards?!?!?

what??

im a *insert job title*.... you must aim higher!!!!

lol!!!!!!

we both laughed...

well, it did made my heart itch a little but... im not angry at all... does it mean im good? 

im writing this on my new bed, this is my first night here.. i hope i can sleep properly...

im loving my new place already...

so so so nice!!!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

last day here in the place i call home...

as i wash and put all the dishes back into the cupboard, the kitchen looked so empty...

it looked so clean, so deserted..

this is where all the magic happens.. i cooked here, i did the laundry, all my maid preps and..


the kitchen breathes my name, my scent, my air...

as i close the kitchen door behind me, i couldn't help but shed a tear...

its gonna be my last night here in this place...

i puffed up each of the red pillows on the long L shaped sofa as though I'm saying my last farewell to each and one of them...

im gonna miss this place so much..

taking each slow step as i walk up the red-carpeted stairway.. i could feel the softness of the fabric caressing the sole of my feet as though they are waving goodbye in their own way...

as i step into the shower and take my last shower of the night i couldn't help but imagine what will this house be like without me..

well, ...

i guess its not up to me to think about all these..

at least i took good care of this house for a month since he's been gone..

this place looked good..

this place looks presentable...

as least i live up to my maid status.. haha....    :)


tugging myself in bed with two layers of duvet over my naked body, i look up and out the window...

the stars are telling me I'm doing the right thing..

the moon nods giving me the green light to sleep...

knowing that Keith will be back tomorrow and that my life will be different altogether..

will i be able to cope..

will i adapt..

?

i won't have the luxury of having someone driving me around..

i won't have someone to pick me up from work anymore...

i.....



i will be fine..

i will be..

i just need some time...

Monday, November 11, 2013

masturbate smoke out..

ok, emo posts aside..

was so horny i mastrebrated and guess what!?!!? cos it was fucking 1 degree or something outside, I'm not sure what the room temperature was la but when i cum there was smoke coming out too!!! lol.. like instant evaporation like that! hahahahaahahahahaha... so KOOOOOOL!! in a way la cos i jakun.. lol...

i just realise that i didn't really mentioned about Frankie for quite some time already..

the thing is..

i don't know what should i really do about him...

not sure whether he is here to stay or leave...

and his answers are always uncertain..

him not replying me sometimes makes me wonder is he dating someone else or not...

well, he say no la but.. haha.. well, there's always a bad angel keep whispering in your ear telling you otherwise...

I was quite curious 2 nights ago and i asked him this: Frankie, can you see us living together in the future?

yea...

then after an hour...

I'm really sorry but i don't make enough money to live with you.. i only work part time.. i can't pay rent lol

-.-  im not asking you to move in with me now la silly! and you chose to answer that after an hour?!??! -.-

well, you asked about it! lol




but yea...

we are going out for a movie again this wednesday.. can't wait.. its like movie night every week for us and its like the only thing we kinda do... well, it hasn't reach a bore stage yet and i don't think i will be bored to go out for movie since my life is so dull now lol...

i always tell other people to think positive but own words doesn't really work on myself.. lol..


Sunday, November 10, 2013

moved half of my stuffs...

i packed all day yesterday.. i lay 3 luggages, 3 hand luggages and 3 boxes by the hallway near the main entrance..

then this morning came...

i saw the cases...

i feel so troubled..

like I'm not sure what I'm doing kinda thing...

i took off, and left to the seafront to get some morning breeze...

it was 1 degree celcius with wind about 30mph..

the sun was sky high and bright like a diamond..

i feel so at peace standing at the edge of my worst nightmare.. the cliff..

demi lovato's warrior was playing on my iPod and the whole feeling is just good..

i walked home... went up to my laptop, searched for the taxi's number and key it onto my phone...

the dial button has like a thick transparent barrier preventing me from pushing it at that moment...

at last i took a deep breath and called..

moments later everything was in the cab and I'm off to my new place..

at least half of my stuffs are there in the new room now..

no turning back no more...

everything will be over once keith is home..

hm....

Saturday, November 9, 2013

moving is not easy...

moving away is something hard to do..

not the physical aspect but...

I've turned this messy place into a liveable nest that is conducive for all purpose.. I'm just so comfortable living here and... thinking of leaving makes me kinda sad in a way..

i know it will be better with time..

but for now... hm...

I've been packing all afternoon, 3 suitcases and 5 boxes all filled now..

will be moving tomorrow afternoon then final move will be on the following weekend..

seeing this place getting emptier as i tidy my own stuffs , its just, like I'm wondering whether is this really happening...

but i guess its happening for a reason..

well, I'm also wondering whether will this place be messy all over again once i leave but i don't think I'm in any position to think about that since i chose to leave...

hmm....

i think i will miss this place...


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

why am i crying so easily?

how should i put this...

its been an emotional 2 months..

people come and go from out lives just like that...

maybe I'm seeking attention..

maybe I'm getting the wrong ones.. entertaining them even though i know it does no good..

i just need someone to hug me so tight right now.. and i just wanna cry and cry until everything dries up and whispers that everything will be ok...

I've said this a million times, but i never seem to do it.. haha.. maybe deep down I'm too shy to show my true feelings, makes me feel vulnerable, this strong front is what keeps me going..

hm...

I'm tired...

fourth date..

its our fourth date today and our second movie night so far, we watched escape plan the first time round and it was good but Captain Phillips this time was even better! i think its one of my favourite so far!!

anyways......

the more i go on a date with Frankie the more i think he is an unsettled soul.

unsettling in a way like he doesn't like to be in a same place for long, like he has been france for a year and he is quite fluent in that language and he is currently doing translating and interpreting for the french.. and like he might wanna live there kinda thing ...

we were chatting over dinner and he was saying that he applied to work in China/Taiwan etc and i was like... in my heart: why on earth are we dating la?!?!

i mean, no point dating pun right if he is going away soon...

but like when i did really suggest indirectly like what on earth are we doing this and stuffs he was like: well, we shall see(in a way like he might not go abroad and stay in the UK)...

and the more i think, the more it doesn't make sense in a way too,  i mean, in my case, my visa has like an expiry and to come back for job in the future won't be easy but its not impossible, but still, what if i can't really come back..

whats the point?

hm...

but anyway,

take one step at a time la right....

so yea, thats what i am doing la..

will be moving half of my stuffs out this weekend to my new place... then the rest will be moved once keith is back...

hm....

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Frankie is here to stay..

so after patiently waited for a day, he finally texted me..

it was killing me to a point waiting for his text that i kinda lost it.. i self induced emo by listening to emo songs all morning yesterday..

well, the texts was kinda disconnected here and there so... I'm really not sure whether he isn't into texting or he is really occupied..

anyway, he texted me this morning saying that he isn't gonna take up that offer to go abroad.. ... all i can answer was: ok...

he then asked me: are you happy?

well i replied saying i am happy but to be honest I'm really numb.. numb cos of his disjointed messages.. i feel like I'm not very important kinda thing.. the thing with the technology now is that you will know whether the other person has seen your message already but decide not to reply you -.-

that kinda irks me even more...

i think i should resolve to emails la at least i can anticipate a mail and not really care when he reads it.. urgh..

that aside, I'm kinda glad that he is staying.. in a way.

and the text thing, maybe I'm just too sensitive la kan.. haha.. lol

back to work tomorrow peeps!! urgh... have a new week ahead loves!!

Friday, November 1, 2013

Frankie and my new house...

i think i had fallen for him...

haha.. as superficial as it is..

i feel like I'm so easy.. haha, well, i try not to be la but... ..........

lets describe Frankie..

Frankie is a ginger boy, he has blue eyes, slightly shorter than me, slim, speaks french, german and a little mandarin apart from english, just graduated and currently doing his masters?(well that i have to dig in deeper) i think, youngest of 3, uses lah, meh, lo etc manglish, and cos I'm malaysian sometimes he pushes too much -.- dates mostly asians i think cos i feel like all his exes are all asians and not to say one of them is malaysian, urgh, benci make me benci for entah.. hahahahaha...

i mean, I've known him only for two weeks and we've met up 3 times so far, maybe cos we didn't really do anything yet, the excitement of doing things and thinking of doing things together seems so exciting! lol..

I passed his house just now and texted him asking whether he wanted to meet or not since I'm just around the corner but all he said was: you're so pushy..(like a teasing manner la)

lol...

then i replied asking him to think through things about the move abroad and ask him to tell me when he has decided..

im not sure whether I'm feeling something eeeeky or what la but he doesn't really seem to put the effort of sending the first text, is that a caucasian thing? i don't think so ba... maybe he is just not into me? maybe he is thinking whether to continue this thingy we have cos he might be going abroad?

hm... i don't know...

so, im not gonna text him after this and I'm trying really hard.. its been 4 hours now and it feels like an accomplishment already lol..

he mixes with loads of asian gays in the area, feels like his niche to be surrounded by asians, makes me a lil jelly in a way cos I'm having bad thoughts of them touching him and urgh.. entah la... but yea, he is not that easy kinda person so,... i think he should be ok gua...

but yea, as long as his plans to go abroad is unclear, i can't really do anything, and even if he has decided not to go, it doesn't mean that he wants me pun.. not to say i desperately need someone la but hahahahahaha... now I'm wondering whether am I such a dependant person or a person who can't be single..

i mean, I've been single before but usually not long i guess, well,, as in.. ....anyway, i mean, it feels nice la when there is someone there to share your thoughts, your laughs, your cooking, cum... etc. lol ahahahahaha...

i was talking to a close friend last night and was asking him whether he thinks that i am a person who can't live alone kinda thing and he kinda reminded me that i was independent from a young age and maybe cos of that i might crave for dependancy? hm... maybe la.... but then i replied to him saying that I love being single but I love being with someone even more... lol.. he looked stunned with his eyes wide open cos i usually bimbo one then tiba tiba smart words came out lol..

hm....

superficial crush...

tidak boleh ni...

i hope he decides fast...

i mean, he has to decide soon anyway cos if he say yes he will be leaving the following week already..

as a friend i want him to go but..... hahaha.. i have got like 2 songs in my mind now... Stay by rihanna and let her go by passenger.. not sure whether the context is the same or not but the title seems quite suitable lol..

i peek on my un-screensaver-ed phone every few seconds lol...

so siao...




on another note, i found my new place to live alreadY!!!!!

its nearer to the train station which i take to work everyday and a few stops closer to work :) yay, means i will take waking up for granted and will sleep in even more after this! hahaha...

my landlord is a very very hot guy, suckcessful and married! awww... but i think divorced liao with kids and hot, and hunky, and successful, did i say that he is hot? anyway... he is very straight forward, very kind and very in need of a penjaga rumah cos he travels around a lot. he likes me a lot and he expressed that when we talked on the phone and when i came over for the viewing, his reasons was cos I work for a professional body and looks pro and sounds pro wahhh...so flattered then my face blush so much under those tans, so no use, nothing shines through..

anyway... i impulsively told him i'd take the room(house) after having a spin there.. seriously la, the house is so nice in a way cos maybe I've been living in shit places so far so better housing environment kinda boost my urge to stay there lol.. 

so yea, the deal was done, everything was printed and signed off on the day of the viewing and he called to cancel the rest of the appointment he has with other people who wants to come and view lol.. i feel so bad for them but he say: its first come first serve basis anyway, so don't feel bad..

anyway, one stress or problem settled..

now this Frankie thing(which is not even close when it comes to a problem) is now making my head spin... why la tuls you let something like that make you siao... hahahaha... monologue siut... and the stupid autocorrect make my siut to suit on the first time round cipet... lol

i think i surprised myself..

i suddenly have no desire of having sex with strangers anymore...

is it because now my mind has only Frankie in it? or is it an age related symptom? 

lol.. 

arghhhhh.....

can't wait for his text la... come la faster!!!!!

xoxo

Thursday, October 31, 2013

complicated..

been viewing houses this few days, its not an easy thing to do, few viewings were postponed, some places were so dodgy that i don't even feel like entering after they open the door, but i had to go in and show my interest as i already promised to have a look...

pictures can be deceiving, you learnt that from grindr, but it also applies to properties online.. I'm looking for a furnished place to stay and those that were posted online was luring me like crazy but some really turned out to be disastrous real life..

hopefully the next few that I'm going soon will somehow be more promising..

just when my emotions were kinda haywired from the thought and hassle of moving out, someone close to my heart passed on... :') i miss him so much... i promised him that i would see him after graduation but i didn't really go back after that and true enough, months later, he is gone forever... I'm glad that i was there for him when he was still alive, and not like some hypocrite that only goes to the funeral out of respect ... whats the point?! thinking of it makes me pissed...

hm...

saying goodbye is never easy..

and for Keith, will be an emotional one too i guess, when he returns..

two more weeks till Keith is back but I've already told him about the split already... he is a big boy, i guess .... i guess he will handle it better than I expected.. after all he is a man man... manly man are just stupid at expressing their true feelings, they just keep it and.. in the end get hurt .. . but i guess thats one of the cons of not being out... everything must be proper and kept quiet...

...

.......

tonight was the funeral, it was quite emotional in a way that knowing that i should be there as someone important to him but due to .... circumstances, I'm here mourning gracefully, even my superior was shocked on how composed i am, maybe thats the life of an actor, you have to stay in character at work and not let family matters ruin the working mood...

the moment i heard about his passing, i was just shocked, it didn't really hit until about 30 minutes later, then, i cried my heart and lungs out... i remember crying that way 2 months after leaving Malaysia, after leaving bubu when i came over here to study... crying really helps in a way, and after everything is out, the only feeling left was numb...

.....


........

so to kinda distract my mood, i went out for a movie, well, it was kinda like a date, but it wasn't a date in a way as well? lol.. lets call him Frankie.

after telling Keith that i wanted to move out and away, i downloaded Grindr -.- don't rolleyes! well Frankie was the first one there to nudge me and i don't know what had gotten into me, after getting his number, i deleted off grindr.

this would be our third meet tonight, i'll write about our first two meets the next time. anyway, we planned to meet tonight for movie as there's a movie deal thingy every Wednesday like back home, and its been months since i last saw a movie in the cinema so its nice to kinda be asked out for one..

half way through the movie, our hands met and my heart skipped a beat, it felt nice... its like romance and all all over again.. after movie we went to chinatown for dinner, we chatted along the way and it was nice in a way to have dinner and truly be yourself, i can't do that when i was with Keith, and Keith doesn't really do those kinda things... i mean I'm not comparing la but its... its nice la...

we ordered two bubble tea to go and just roam around the streets of newcastle for about an hour, half way through, he hold my hand, in the middle of nowhere...

:)

it felt good, it felt right...

its not something you can do in public back home.. at that instant you feel like you're on top of the world... i looked at him and smile and he said: I'm not afraid of holding your hands.. and he smiled, my heart sank...

....

this relationship, i don't even know what to call it, it might just be a short lived experience as he might be leaving the country soon..

he kinda asked my opinion on him leaving, as much as I want him to stay, i told him as a friend to pursue what he wants in life and not hold back as you might not know what happens tomorrow.. cheekily he said that he has his concerns on the move...

so whatever it is..

at least it was a good moment for me...

at least in these kinda stressed moment, he was there to kinda distract me from reality... Niey was kinda worried about me as I was in such a complicated situation with Keith and all, he kinda asked me not to add more complications into my life i.e. Frankie, settle Keith and the moving first then only talk about Frankie.

you know you would always listen to your friend's words and not your parents? well i think Niey is starting to feel like family and so i didn't really took his advice.. haha.. and i think i did the right thing la.. i know you care for me Niey and I know you dowana see me hurt.. :) *hugs* i'll take care of myself :)

hm.....

maybe everything will fall into place soon, I've got a good feeling about this...

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I've decided to leave Keith..

I've been thinking a lot...

Due to unforseen circumstances Im only allowed to stay in the UK for another couple of months, after that I will need to leave. If i want to stay and work here i will need to reapply from home and chances are slim from what i heard of.

Lots of parties and procedures involved if i really wanna work in the UK, employers la, sponsors la, funds la etc.. and most employers would rather hire a local englishman to do the job rather than going through all the paperwork just to get someone over from a foreign country...

why must the visa requirements be so stringent?

why must it be now?

that aside, i only have a few more months to stay...

well people ask: what do you gain by doing this now? is leaving keith the best thing to do now?

there isn't a best thing to do or best time to do this kinda things in a way anyway.. leaving is something somewhat complicated in any circumstance..

whether its now or next year when my visa expires, its gonna still be the same, i will leave him anyhow..

i think the reason why I'm kinda hanging on to keith is that cos i feel like i owe him cos he was there when i was in deep shit and of course after that he conveniently invite me to move in and i did, naturally, and its such a smooth transition that i don't really realise that I'm doing it all on a "taking the easy way out" basis..

not to say in the end it backfired but i wished that i did not move in ...

but everything happens for a reason anyway.. and if i didn't move in, inner feelings and realisation wouldn't surface at this pace and i think it would only make things worse.. delaying it any further wouldn't be good ..

for now I'm not paying any rent so moving will kinda make my budget tighter, is it worth it? hm... wouldn't know until i move out and i don't think its any bad, i mean, everything will work out eventually.. yes, it means i won't get to eat as often but it will be all fine, i will just need to cook more the night before and pack for lunch tomorrow..

a friend asked: why don't you wanna stay on just for a few more months and prevent all these frustration?

hm... i feel like I'm not being genuine to keith and it wouldn't be fair for him nor myself.. and sleeping together praying for each day to pass till the day i have to leave is not gonna help..


I'm currently looking for places to move out, found a couple of nice houses and will go viewing soon, hopefully one of them will be suitable la.. and for Keith being abroad now gives me time to kinda do all these.. although i wish that he would be back faster but... hm....

i was thinking of moving out while he is not here but a friend reminded me of how inappropriate and indecent that would be and yea.. feels wrong after thinking about it... sometimes being occupied so much, you can't think properly, and in the end offended some other people accidentally.. its always good to have second opinions and thanks for all those friends who were with me this 2 weeks helping me out on the matter...

hm....

this matter was somehow affecting my work for the past few days when even my superior notices it and ask me am i ok.. haha.. and true enough when friends say that my face can't lie about my true feelings...

the clock is going an hour backwards starting now so little tuls, even time is asking you to think again by giving itself away..

but I've decided and I'm sticking to it.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

i see you in my dream..

funny enough, its been awhile since i last dreamt of you...

the dream was so somehow exciting yet wrong..



we were travelling in some country, it was hot climate and we were so happy together..

you were the one driving and at one point i look at you from the front passenger seat while holding your hand.. and i never felt any happier in my life...

the whole journey was just all smiles..

at one instant i feel bad cos you were with someone else at that point of time and doing this is as though youre betraying him, cheating and stuffs, but you looked at me and reassure me everything will be ok...

and then i woke up.... .....i think.


well, if feels like forever in that dream but when i woke up and to think back, whats left in my memory about that dream was just few images of your smile...

at least it felt good for a moment..








Keith is leaving for a month in a few hours time. He has a wedding to attend in Australia and before that he will stop by a few asian countries.. Malaysia is one of it..

funny thing is that i wasnt really informed about this at all and he somehow kinda expects me to know... not that i feel left out or what, i mean, before this, its his way of taking his holidays off and go travelling around and he even travelled the whole of US for 3 months of something sometime back and i think thats what he do but....thats before he met me.....

i mean, not that i can follow him or what, i just started work and like i dont have as much holidays as he and to cut things short, its just complicated...



actually i dont really know what im doing here to be honest...

we had a talk earlier on what will happen next year when my visa expires.. and all he can say is: youre a smart boy, you will know what to do...




keith, there are a few moments in this few months where i feel like i dont belong here and like this is not the life that i want to live...

well, i knew before this that you might be too young for me and... you know.. ...but you say you wanted to try and...

*jokingly* you know i'll be gone by the time you come back...

well, i thought of it before....

REALLY??....



well, do you wanna stop this now??

i... dont know..

i mean, you feel like exploring the outside world?!?!

.....


and then it went silent...




he was packing a few hours ago and i just watch him pack, the whole time we didnt make a sound and until now, the only time in our relationship, we didnt sleep together, as in i kinda isolate myself and he didnt say a word..

its like as though he doesnt want to talk about it and yet doesnt wanna even ask what im thinking about...

as though he doesnt care just to avoid any confrontation..

i really dont know how to react or do..





i feel like walking to the beach now...

its 1.34am and really a lil fresh air could really do me good... but.. im paranoid something bad will happen like being boynapped or get killed by some drunkards or being pushed off the cliff into the sea etc..

basically im a coward in a unique way.. or to put it in nicer words, being extra careful..

his sister is picking him up tomorrow morning and i have to be in the house alone and not to make noise or movement cos he is not out and he is "living alone" kinda thing..



now that i think of it, i realize something..

i dont think im the type of person who can live with someone who isnt out, i mean, im not out but at least im not hiding, if people were to find out find out la.. but like...

i dont know..

maybe keith just isnt the one..

but what is the one anyway?!?

there wont be a the one...

people changes and adapt when the time comes, sometimes they fit in, sometimes they don't...



im gonna ask myself now, what if i were to leave keith now, what will change? i have less than a year being in this country and then i will need to leave.. what can i do? find someone else new? what time do i have? i work daily from 9-6, i reach home, cook eat and sleep, only time left is the weekends, what can possible happen??

am i not happy with keith?

the answer is no. but I'm not satisfied either..

am i being too demanding? am i being too inconsiderate?

what can i do? just live with keith knowing each day that i will be gone next year anyway until the day when i really do leave the country...

did i really make a mistake by starting something knowing that its not gonna end nice?

yes, we will never know what the future holds for us.. maybe Keith is just not meant to be.. or maybe im just too ... too....... i dont know...

i dont know what i want in life, i dont know what im feeling right now, everything is just not right..


but when i take a step back and breathe and think, i really feel content with life, i mean i have such a good life but im just not appreciating it, yet demanding more out of life, is it wrong?


i feel bad for keith but to think of it, he will be having a ball travelling abroad.. haha..





i want someone, and i need someone that i can introduce to my friends... and i dont think Keith is that someone.. im not shy nor embarrassed, being closeted has its limitation.. i feel like im very restricted.. and feeling restricted in one of the most gay-friendly country is bad..

i twist and turn my words so much, it all just points to one thing... im not gonna say it cos i feel like a horrible person.. even thinking of it is like poison..

maybe being alone for this one month would help me somehow..

maybe..



the picture of you just flashes across my mind every now and then bu, i dont know why but thinking of you just bring tears down my......

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry,
have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night,
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right.... have you ever?......

those song lyrics are by Brandy... it just fits so perfectly now.. i really miss you bu.... i just need you to hold me now and dont let go... 5 minutes will do.. just 5 minutes...

Monday, September 23, 2013

i still miss you....

people say that im still hanging on to the past..

am i?

hm....

its not something that anyone could fully comprehend, not even me...

if we were to treasure each other that much, we would make it no matter what the distance right?

why did i let you go? why did i let myself go..

i wasnt 100% honest to you or to myself..

i guess us humans are selfish..

i am selfish...

the fact that we didnt really break up break up,,, seems like im living a dream and when this dream ends i will wake up and youre here again...

but for now, its a nightmare..




when can i wake up??


when will i see you again??





missing you is something i cannot deny..

as much as i think i found happiness and i know that you do too but its feels like we are lying to ourselves and that finding temporary happiness with what we have now is just to console ourselves.. maybe not for you but i feel like i am..

dont worry, im perfectly fine, before you jump into conclusion that im crazy or being a lunatic..

i seldom think so much..

its way pass my bedtime..




tonight, the feeling just..... well, its just overwhelming...


partially its because of this song thats playing..

i remember this song, where you dedicated it in a video you made for us, collages of pictures of us all into one..

it was once on your blog and then now its all gone...

i dont have the copy of that video but the essence and each picture is still vividly playing in my memory..

i miss you a lot you silly..

writing this makes me feel like im cheating on keith.. bless him, he is really a nice guy, loving caring and all.. hm... but its just different...
you and me, its just different, it just feels right...

haha.. i feel like some lame sad bitch writing this down..



how are you, sometimes i wonder..

i want to text you but, hm, you're with someone else now, and i dont want to be the clingy ex that keep messaging...

i think for the past 2 years, weve only exchange text on our birthdays..

....

sometimes i really wonder what is going on with your life right now...

....

i know im not part of it right now anymore, i mean, its been two years since we last met and decently spoken to..



its like we kinda fall out of each other's life..

thinking of what would happen if i didnt leave to study here in the UK doesnt make things any better..

i still remember lying on your legs with your fingers going thru my hair and me just looking up to you..

i miss that a lot ..

i miss you a lot...



well, back to work tomorrow... i need some catching up with sleep...

i am still me..

remember the note i left inside you twenty second birthday present..... well, i meant every word..

love,
me







Saturday, September 7, 2013

no sex threats...

today morning surprisingly when i woke up from bed, there he is, standing there with breakfast... :) well, its not something special but well, its nice to eat something that you dont need to make it yourself..  even though its just coffee and toastANYWAY.........

WOW, breakfast!!! i havent even ask and you made breakfast!! awww.....

what do you mean!!!

:) that a first!!

and so we ate while watching ugly betty thats on tv.. although i think we watched that a million times.. lol..

once finished entah mengapa Keith has a hard on..

what are you doing? what is that?!?!?

well, i cant help it!!!

no, im not ready!!!

what do you mean youre not ready?!?!?! you fart-ed all night long, it must be empty for all those air to come out 

-.-

well, ok, only if you wash all these(pointing to the plates and cups used for breakfast)

what do you mean?!??!

well, no sex then....

you know i dont do domestic housework!! 

-.- no sex for a month!!!

HUH!!??!?! awww man... jeez youre cruel!!!

-.- no sex for a year, bye!!!


i think im old liao.. haih... time passes so quickly.. ive been here for 2 years already... so much had happened.. it would be our 55th month together if bubu and I were still together.. haha..

and yes, i still do miss him..

thoughts just come and go, its not something i can control..

haha..

anyway, summer is coming to an end!! yes!!! i cant wait for winter to come!!! God bless america!!


Friday, September 6, 2013

tumblr....

working had been really busy and i think im using it as an excuse to not blog, haha, reality is that working life is so boring in a way, well, it kinda occupied most of my weekdays -.-


anywayyyyyyy....

ive got a tumblr thingy now, posting guys when i travel to work which is very very very difficult to snap cos sometimes its very very crowded! lol..

so, check it out la, for now its a daily thing, hopefully it wont be a weekly thing, lol...


and like its still very new, haha, will redecorate skit soon.. lol.. cant wait for weekend to come,...

im so so so tired....

Saturday, August 24, 2013

burnt milk...

me: babe, want a cuppa?

keith: thatd be lovely!!

so what do you want? what do we have?? coffee?? tea?? horlicks??? hot chocolate?!!?!?

horlicks please!!

ok...

i want milk in it ok..

er.... ok...

hot milk..ok...

make sure its hot youalright alright!!!

and so i heat his fucking milk up with a pan and guess what, the milk burnt! -.- i just poured the burnt milk into the sink and fuck it..

once i made him milo with milk powder he said its too watery so i know liao he like thick thick one..
i put in 4 table spoon of milk powder in it just to make sure the drink is thick and milky..

and when the drink was made...

mm.... lovely!!

errr... of course!! i made it!!

one day he asked for it again but he knows we dont have any milk left but i lied to him and said there is still, and used milk powder instead and he still drinks it..

keith is just sohai.. he damn benci.. cant even differentiate milk and milk powder and im not gonna fucking heat milk up anymore, the pot that i use to heat milk that burnt i threw it away liao cos the stain seem to just eat on it.. fuck it..

on another note, work has been busy and i'm quite occupied most of the time.. and like after work i come home eat and shower then sleep liao then work all over again.. the life is quite sien.. lol...

Monday, August 5, 2013

First day of work: Wet!

Like literally wet, the hujan rained like 1/10 of malaysia and this mother flooded. I was a little wet when i got to work. Then noon was fucking humid and hot in the shop i sweat like a cibye! like omgosh i took off my tie and rolled up my sleeves like i cannot tahan at all!

cos i work in similar working conditions before last year during summer so im quite familiar with the SOP and how the shop runs so its all good and easy, just that i need to get used to the people im working with and how they like things done but so far so good la im not complaining it out loud yet lol.

there are two rotating fan in the shop and its not fucking good enough omgosh i feel like dying!!

and yes, ang mos they have a "cuppa" every 2 hours one and the hot drinks made things worse and i gladly accepted it tim, shiz, i shall never drink hot drink for the rest of the summer anymore omgoodness! lol

mental note, bring bottled water and put in fridge when reach work! lol

the day passed quickly as i was flooded with work and when it was time to leave the rain wasnt giving in and yes i was drenched even with an umbrella, my poor little umbby's lifespan reduced by half poor fella, i was protecting umbby more than myself cos she is fragile and could break easily with the sohai wind from north south east west altogether! cibye

i commute to work by train and guess what, half way back home the train terminated cos the rail was flooded -.-

thank you guanyinma..

*ring ring*

Keithy, where are you?

I'm at homecould you pick me up? im wet and im stuck!

where are you?

im at wallsend metro station..

-.- what happen?

railway line flooded... -.-

hahahaa.. is the train stopped?

yes.. well get out then!

ok!! see ya!!!!

after 10 mins..

*enter car*

hahahahahaha... what?!!??!

its only a little water..

-.- water my ass cant you see the amount?!?!

aww.. you poor thing...

thanks for picking me up, i cant imagine if youre not around..

haha, its your first day hun, of course i'll pick you up, no more next time..

-.-

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA...

:(

aw....

Friday, August 2, 2013

new chapter in my life...

yup yup..

there's a cantonese saying: dai gor zai la...

means youre all grown up now, anyone who is elder than you will say this shit to you at some point in your life and it isnt till now that these few words make a little sense..

this week is my last week of "freedom" kinda thing as work officially starts next week.

part of me wanting to start working so badly but part of me is still very, im not sure whats the word, reluctant? afraid? like i say its another chapter, and this chapter came quite late in a way, im almost reaching the first quarter of a century only to start work, i feel really old right now.

ok i can feel slaps coming from everywhere right now to my face and all, the guilty ones will think and realize that they are old, please ok, age is just a number.. keith is almost twice my age and thats not even my point ok lets not go there. rewind!!!!!

lots happen over the past few weeks..

ive had my graduation..

keith tear down a kitchen wall and rebuild it cos the wall was kinda old kinda thing not sure whats the right word for it and i had to help him build it and he has this free labourer, and oh my the concrete are seriously fucking heavy and rough and i got scratches all over my kakitangan..

it was Keith's bday, cos i was on a budget, i made him a homecook four course meal kinda thing.. haha..

first course was of course soup la, ang mo love soup but this time i made him chinese "shark fin" soup konon, no shark fin of course, just 3 types of mushrooms and chicken slice and carrot slice and of course one beaten egg to do make the "effect".. vinegar was optional but i had my fair share of it kihihihihi....


second course was meatball made from scratch and some spaghetti thingy with some sauce thing which i add chili padi in! wohooooooooooo!! lol spicy... amat nice!!


third course was my famous fish pie, too bad you cant see whats inside, we have king prawn, salmon, haddock and smoked fish, scallops, mussels, squid and also generous amount of spinach top with potatoes of course :) my favourite!!!


lastly Keith loves his pudding so i special made this tiramisu in wine glass thingy, he was stuffed at the end of the day and was half drunk with red wine.. lol.. i drank just a little, wine is really not my thing..


his house, can say kinda tidied up amat banyak already, at least its presentable in a way now, although its still dusty cos of the wall still in the process of erecting, but overall im quite happy with my service! :)

i went shopping for working attire..

and basically just rest at home most of the time before work 9-5 daily for the next year..

time flies when youre on holiday huh, seems like yesterday that i just started my first year in uni and now..

im not sure whether im ready for this like...

but, no one is certain about anything unless we try it kan?

haha...

oh well...

i wish myself and the rest that are starting work soon or in the midst of some big project "si yip soon lei" with minimal working drama.. haha...

xoxo

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Secret in the drawer..

as usual i am the maid in the house and there are lots to clean in the house and yes, because of my procrastinatory nature, its taking forever to do so..

yesterday when i was clearing one of the drawer in the study room attached to the study table i saw an immigration form...

form for marriage...

and its dated 2011..

that was of course when Keith was still with his ex, a 6 year relationship thingy..

and it got me thinking...

were they heading towards that?

like thats the year they broke up too...

and yes he is asian too.. but of course not blessed with features as good as mine *flip hair*... anyway...

and like hm....

Keith was downstair resting then by the lazy couch and of course i didnt ask him la, i just took the form and threw it in the bin..

hm...

well the form was empty like, just that the immigration like to have the date updated yearly thats why the year was inked on the form..

....

if he were to ask the question, i think i will hesitate to answer lor..

and they say when you hesitate, the best is to stick with no..

hm...

whatever la...

the thing is my visa only allows me to work for a year and i will have to return to shitholeland and if i were to apply to work in the UK i will have to do it Malaysia and chances are really slim...

Keith and I went thru this discussion before and all he can say is: youre a smart boy, you will know what to do..

i literally -.- in my brain...

i mean.. haha..

no one knows what the future holds for us kan...

so better off not thinking about it la..


sneak peak of Keithy at the back.. :) lolllllllll

Friday, July 5, 2013

two guys kissing at the airport...

this happen in my dream one.. so i was virtually at the airport sending my friend off to Bermuda Triangle..

he was with his alltimeloverbutindenialduetocircumstances-boyfriend and before he left for the hot gates, they kissed...


15 years ago, if i were to see this.. i will go YERRRRRRRRRR O.O

10 years ago, if i were to see this.. i will go search for related porn to kill my curiosity..

5 years ago, if i were to see this.. i will go AIDS!!!!!!

now.. i go awwwwwwwwwww.....     :)


its quite different how things change with time, in life, experiences we acquire along the way and experiences we picked up could really transform a person.

like for example ignorant people will relate gay with AIDS. AIDS is step 100, being gay is step 1. we cant just jump to 100 and skip the rest in between. just like wanting a baby without having sex -.-

20 years ago AIDS would be step 3 or 4, but with advancement of the medical industry, AIDS cases are rarer and rarer now.

Back then, you will get a full blown effect of the disease and get AIDS in like what, 3 years? and then you will just die of a simple infection. With the meds now, you can live for over 20 years.

In uni, there was a lecture on HIV and there was a special acronym in it called MSM and when the lecture said that it was men who had sex with men, it was just hillarious in a way that they have such a thing. lol

So, few fun facts of HIV transmission for you guys

50% of the newly diagnoses HIV patient are MSM

if you are on HIV medication with full discipline, having unprotected sex is quite safe. lol. thats in my opinion la cos the number of virus in the blood is so low!!! 

you can live for more than 20 years if you are strict with your medications.

if you dont take your medications properly, in the long run, you will need to increase your tablets, in the UK, the highest number of tablets taken by one HIV patient is 26 tablets a day.. and you need to take it for life!!!

most of the awesome meds have ugly side effects, most of them could make you out of shape, some gives you nightmares!!


living with the disease is really very depressing like, so if you know anyone who has the disease, do not despise them. who are you to judge him or her. just dont have sex with them la!! why cannot be friends?

before i go..

if you know you have HIV and you have sex with someone who doesnt know you have it. that is wrong even if you wear condom!

if you curse someone especially me to have AIDS, you will rot on earth, and in hell!!

xoxo i love you guys..

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Finally graduated and moved in!! :)

Thank you thank you semua!

Although i didnt get first class, it is still an honours degree.. lol.. sekadar cukup la kan..

everything is kinda falling into place bit by bit..

i moved everything to Keith's place on tuesday and now im in the midst of unpacking, unpacking is such a bitch, like seriously. i think i need another week. moreover he hasnt tidy up the place for my barang so i yang kena buat all, i have to clean the shelves to put my stuffs.. benci kan.. lol... now the living area and the study is full with my barangs.. like literally cannot walk like that.. hahahahaha...

graduation is in 2 weeks.. i cant wait to wear the robe and jalan jalan.. hahahaha.. looking at all those photos people ambik, its just another ceremony yang kena pakai formal nia kan.. im gonna sweat la in this heat of 15 degrees... urgh... lol.. masih nak complain i know... hahahahah...

visa is in the making so ok la... im officially starting work in August!! thats another anticipation :)

now im officially a fulltime maid. no more in the making. memang made maid! lol..

anyone wants to lend a hand?

xoxo

Friday, June 21, 2013

what if i broke up with Keith..

im in the midst of moving into Keith's place, everything will be fully shifted by the weekend.. in fact he is going over to my place in an hours time to bring the remaining stuffs over...

im gonna be the official housewife in a few more days, my lease ends end of the month.. haha..

as the saying goes, a woman's work is never done!.. i dont know how la am i gonna cope with maintaining the penjagaan rumah and all..

im quite a cincai person edi, he is more cincai than me, so macam make me have to buck up on tidiness etc...

one evening when i was having dinner with one of my housemates...

ei, so when are you moving over to Keith's?

erm.. i moving slowly la every week...

mm... ei, ask you question arr, im not saying anything la, but arr, but la, listen arr, BUT, what if you and him suddenly half way tak jadi ke ape ape... then how?

hm........................ ......... what if only la kan................ ei, actually kan, now that you say kan, only i realize, that i never thought of this before..

-.-

what?!?! hahahahaha... memang la, tak la think so much.....


i know la she as a friend is just concern... but maybe she doesnt know about me and keith also la, and also maybe she knows i always keluar main main sebelum keith..

but... like honestly, i never thought about it before..

but i think there isnt anything to worry or think about since we wont be quarreling.....i hope.

hahahahaahah...

kan kan?

wah, just imagine half way apapa,... how to move again, laugh die me...

but nah... not gonna think about it..

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

keith is a noob...

when it comes to music, you can say keith is the noobiest.. but he wont back down, he will die die also pretend he knows the song..

sunday when he was sending me home after dinner with his friends, Kelly Clarkson's my life wont suck without you was playing and he was quite excited...

i know i know this song!!!

who's this?

............... PINK!!

-.-

WHAT??

-.-

its kelly clarkson!

who?

-.- nevermind....

how would i know right....

-.-


then the next song came up.. it was adele's rolling in the deep...


hehe.. how bout this?

this of course i know!!

who?

..........*after 5 seconds*.................. Rihanna....

-.-

.......WHAT?.............

-.- its Adele....

*pop up eye big big*.........................*embarrassed*...........

-.- youre a disgrace to your country.....

*speechless*


after that lady gaga's poker face was on...


dont tell me you dont know this!

of course i know!!!!

if you dont know this i will jump down from somewhere...

wait!! i know!!!

come on!!!

this one she has got like her hair... like... you know.. the hair...

i know... -.- .... everyone has hair except you.... and yes her hair is funky everytime.... who is she....?!

zaza or something....

-.- *jaw drop*

its gaga...

see, im still correct, just an alphabet different...

*face palm*

hey, i know bruno mars ok!!

-.- thats all you know........... -.-


uncurable disease... laugh die me ....

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

dildo by the sink...

so i went to Keith's one afternoon by myself and he was still at work..

as usual, i reach there and the kitchen was filled with all the unwashed dishes, typical angmo.. so takpe la, i clear up everything then i went up for a shower..

cos shower run by gas need to let the water to run for about a minute before it gets warm.. after turning on the tap i look right and saw the vibrating dildo in the sink..

and i look nearer i saw that its used, dont ask me what i saw but i was like laughing my ass off there!!

so after shower i terus whatsapp him...

oi mister! how are you feeling today?

busy. its a beautiful day isnt it? work work work...

sun too glaring, i dont like...

lol.. go out for a walk!

well i did, i walk all the way to your place..

??

why is the dildo in the sink??

.................well, i was horny this morning and i had a wank...

you forgot to clean and put it back.. hehehe.......

well... how would i know, i didnt know you were coming...

oh, dont worry about it, no sex tonight ok since youre emptied!

youre mean!!!! so mean!!

:p



you think we did it that night or not? hehe...lol

Monday, June 3, 2013

now my babys dancing, but hes dancing with another man..

its been a rough week for me, haha.. lots of emotions here and there.. vulnerability enhanced significantly, and i still can laugh about it, cos its kinda over liao..

anyway..

Keith brought me go jalan jalan to clear my head and get some fresh air, its just like a 10 mins drive from his place to this field.



this field then led to a path like a mini boulevard like that and i was like asking is this path like a cruising ground for gays..

no!! this is where i grow up! howay man!!! (howay is like the local slang for come on!!)...

lol.. how would i know, this path is so dodgy and so narrow... will i get rape here?

*rolleyes*

so this narrow path brought us to another field and from far i saw some cute creatures that make me go wow!!



it was going to rain liao the weather but luckily it didnt.. just show face nia those clouds so benci..




at one point the horsies came to us cos i think they thought we are coming to feed them..

and its public ground by the way..

so anyone could go there but there was no one there that day and its just very peaceful...




on the way back, when Keith was sending me back home, bruno mars's when i was your man was playing and maybe cos of all the stirred emotions, i teared up thinking of bubu..

haha.. i know its silly... of course i look to the left so Keith wont notice..

but like...

its the cliche moment where the song sings the exact same situation that you are/were in and...

haha... oh well...




although it hurts, i'll be the first to say that i was wrong...i know im probably much too late, too apologize for my mistake, but i just want you to know..

i hope he buys you flowers..

i hope he holds your hands...

give you all his hours...

when he has the chance...

take you to every party cos i remember how much you love to dance...

do all the things i should have done...

when i was....

.......

oh well.. i still miss him...

a little.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

witnessing live cage sexy times!!

exams finally over and done with last thursday and so is(hopefully) my degree life!

i feel so old to just finish my degree now.. like seriously.. but whatever..

so saturday night keith and I joined tom and jerry for a nightout in the city, getting wasted(them) and just have fun.. lol.. its not my kinda thing but i just tag along... i dont drink konon...

im gonna skip to the last pub we go to, as i blog before this pub has a "VIP" lounge downstairs and "things" happen down there, keith and i were too full to drink anymore, him and his cider and me and my coke, lol and so i suggested why not we go down and check it out since the first time we came i was so nervous i didnt really "check" the place out..

haha.. and so keith brought me down...

we went into the first "area", it was smaller than I thought it would be, but there was no action whatsoever.. there were just guys waiting inside...

the second area, was very dark, keith peeped inside and said: oh yea, there's definitely something going on inside!!

i was too scared to peep cos im afraid guys will touch my face when i peep and those hands dont know touch what before and so i didnt peep... im so useless! hahahaha...

anyway..

so we just lepak at the common lounge outside the two "areas".. there was a bar and 2 cages with a few standing tables kinda thing... keith and i just lepak there for awhile, and as we are about to leave the area, a waiter brought a twink to one of the cage, opens it and the twink went in...

at first i didnt realize what was happening and then he started to strip and omgoshhhhhh.. i was like wtf.. is this really happening?

i mean this area is not secluded whatsoever, its like open... and i thought stuffs like this only happen in amsterdam or some shit.. lol.. and i was omgosh...

think he is in his early 20s, definitely younger than me..

at that time there were 3 asian twinks hanging about that area too, omgoshhhh... two of them went by the cage and started groping that twink...

my brother instantly erected..

like omgosh i was so hard i whisper to keith: omgosh this is such a turn on... REALLY? uh huh....

keith was just hugging me and we were just watching.. hahahahaha...

it was getting all intense after that, one of the asians took his dick out and cageboy started sucking him.. and the other asian cannot tahan he jumped into the cage..

the cage is situated horizontally on the floor and 1 person fits in perfectly, 2 person in it they cant even turn.. lol.. and i hate cages on foor where the person needs to crawl in.. ahahaha.. maybe cos im not that flexible.. lol..

anyway, things were so heated up i was like omgoshhhhhhh... at first it was just keith and I and that other asian friend, mana tau after that the cage was kinda surrounded, everyone was just looking... and like.. it was so fired up after that they came out from the cage and there were so much groping, jerking, sucking, kissing and like with ugly dirty old geezers and young twinks and like my mind was just thinking of one thing at that time: SEXUAL TRANSMITTED DISEASE!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

oh well...

it was a fun night and i even had a dirty thought when the boy was still in the cage and I whispered to keith: i feel like pissing on him...

oh... i didnt know youre into that kinda thing...

haha... well... its.... i dont know..... lol..

hahaha...

but it will totally spoil the fun for all of them if i were to done that!

a lil sneak pic...