complicated..

been viewing houses this few days, its not an easy thing to do, few viewings were postponed, some places were so dodgy that i don't even feel like entering after they open the door, but i had to go in and show my interest as i already promised to have a look...

pictures can be deceiving, you learnt that from grindr, but it also applies to properties online.. I'm looking for a furnished place to stay and those that were posted online was luring me like crazy but some really turned out to be disastrous real life..

hopefully the next few that I'm going soon will somehow be more promising..

just when my emotions were kinda haywired from the thought and hassle of moving out, someone close to my heart passed on... :') i miss him so much... i promised him that i would see him after graduation but i didn't really go back after that and true enough, months later, he is gone forever... I'm glad that i was there for him when he was still alive, and not like some hypocrite that only goes to the funeral out of respect ... whats the point?! thinking of it makes me pissed...

hm...

saying goodbye is never easy..

and for Keith, will be an emotional one too i guess, when he returns..

two more weeks till Keith is back but I've already told him about the split already... he is a big boy, i guess .... i guess he will handle it better than I expected.. after all he is a man man... manly man are just stupid at expressing their true feelings, they just keep it and.. in the end get hurt .. . but i guess thats one of the cons of not being out... everything must be proper and kept quiet...

...

.......

tonight was the funeral, it was quite emotional in a way that knowing that i should be there as someone important to him but due to .... circumstances, I'm here mourning gracefully, even my superior was shocked on how composed i am, maybe thats the life of an actor, you have to stay in character at work and not let family matters ruin the working mood...

the moment i heard about his passing, i was just shocked, it didn't really hit until about 30 minutes later, then, i cried my heart and lungs out... i remember crying that way 2 months after leaving Malaysia, after leaving bubu when i came over here to study... crying really helps in a way, and after everything is out, the only feeling left was numb...

.....


........

so to kinda distract my mood, i went out for a movie, well, it was kinda like a date, but it wasn't a date in a way as well? lol.. lets call him Frankie.

after telling Keith that i wanted to move out and away, i downloaded Grindr -.- don't rolleyes! well Frankie was the first one there to nudge me and i don't know what had gotten into me, after getting his number, i deleted off grindr.

this would be our third meet tonight, i'll write about our first two meets the next time. anyway, we planned to meet tonight for movie as there's a movie deal thingy every Wednesday like back home, and its been months since i last saw a movie in the cinema so its nice to kinda be asked out for one..

half way through the movie, our hands met and my heart skipped a beat, it felt nice... its like romance and all all over again.. after movie we went to chinatown for dinner, we chatted along the way and it was nice in a way to have dinner and truly be yourself, i can't do that when i was with Keith, and Keith doesn't really do those kinda things... i mean I'm not comparing la but its... its nice la...

we ordered two bubble tea to go and just roam around the streets of newcastle for about an hour, half way through, he hold my hand, in the middle of nowhere...

:)

it felt good, it felt right...

its not something you can do in public back home.. at that instant you feel like you're on top of the world... i looked at him and smile and he said: I'm not afraid of holding your hands.. and he smiled, my heart sank...

....

this relationship, i don't even know what to call it, it might just be a short lived experience as he might be leaving the country soon..

he kinda asked my opinion on him leaving, as much as I want him to stay, i told him as a friend to pursue what he wants in life and not hold back as you might not know what happens tomorrow.. cheekily he said that he has his concerns on the move...

so whatever it is..

at least it was a good moment for me...

at least in these kinda stressed moment, he was there to kinda distract me from reality... Niey was kinda worried about me as I was in such a complicated situation with Keith and all, he kinda asked me not to add more complications into my life i.e. Frankie, settle Keith and the moving first then only talk about Frankie.

you know you would always listen to your friend's words and not your parents? well i think Niey is starting to feel like family and so i didn't really took his advice.. haha.. and i think i did the right thing la.. i know you care for me Niey and I know you dowana see me hurt.. :) *hugs* i'll take care of myself :)

hm.....

maybe everything will fall into place soon, I've got a good feeling about this...

I've decided to leave Keith..

I've been thinking a lot...

Due to unforseen circumstances Im only allowed to stay in the UK for another couple of months, after that I will need to leave. If i want to stay and work here i will need to reapply from home and chances are slim from what i heard of.

Lots of parties and procedures involved if i really wanna work in the UK, employers la, sponsors la, funds la etc.. and most employers would rather hire a local englishman to do the job rather than going through all the paperwork just to get someone over from a foreign country...

why must the visa requirements be so stringent?

why must it be now?

that aside, i only have a few more months to stay...

well people ask: what do you gain by doing this now? is leaving keith the best thing to do now?

there isn't a best thing to do or best time to do this kinda things in a way anyway.. leaving is something somewhat complicated in any circumstance..

whether its now or next year when my visa expires, its gonna still be the same, i will leave him anyhow..

i think the reason why I'm kinda hanging on to keith is that cos i feel like i owe him cos he was there when i was in deep shit and of course after that he conveniently invite me to move in and i did, naturally, and its such a smooth transition that i don't really realise that I'm doing it all on a "taking the easy way out" basis..

not to say in the end it backfired but i wished that i did not move in ...

but everything happens for a reason anyway.. and if i didn't move in, inner feelings and realisation wouldn't surface at this pace and i think it would only make things worse.. delaying it any further wouldn't be good ..

for now I'm not paying any rent so moving will kinda make my budget tighter, is it worth it? hm... wouldn't know until i move out and i don't think its any bad, i mean, everything will work out eventually.. yes, it means i won't get to eat as often but it will be all fine, i will just need to cook more the night before and pack for lunch tomorrow..

a friend asked: why don't you wanna stay on just for a few more months and prevent all these frustration?

hm... i feel like I'm not being genuine to keith and it wouldn't be fair for him nor myself.. and sleeping together praying for each day to pass till the day i have to leave is not gonna help..


I'm currently looking for places to move out, found a couple of nice houses and will go viewing soon, hopefully one of them will be suitable la.. and for Keith being abroad now gives me time to kinda do all these.. although i wish that he would be back faster but... hm....

i was thinking of moving out while he is not here but a friend reminded me of how inappropriate and indecent that would be and yea.. feels wrong after thinking about it... sometimes being occupied so much, you can't think properly, and in the end offended some other people accidentally.. its always good to have second opinions and thanks for all those friends who were with me this 2 weeks helping me out on the matter...

hm....

this matter was somehow affecting my work for the past few days when even my superior notices it and ask me am i ok.. haha.. and true enough when friends say that my face can't lie about my true feelings...

the clock is going an hour backwards starting now so little tuls, even time is asking you to think again by giving itself away..

but I've decided and I'm sticking to it.

i see you in my dream..

funny enough, its been awhile since i last dreamt of you...

the dream was so somehow exciting yet wrong..



we were travelling in some country, it was hot climate and we were so happy together..

you were the one driving and at one point i look at you from the front passenger seat while holding your hand.. and i never felt any happier in my life...

the whole journey was just all smiles..

at one instant i feel bad cos you were with someone else at that point of time and doing this is as though youre betraying him, cheating and stuffs, but you looked at me and reassure me everything will be ok...

and then i woke up.... .....i think.


well, if feels like forever in that dream but when i woke up and to think back, whats left in my memory about that dream was just few images of your smile...

at least it felt good for a moment..








Keith is leaving for a month in a few hours time. He has a wedding to attend in Australia and before that he will stop by a few asian countries.. Malaysia is one of it..

funny thing is that i wasnt really informed about this at all and he somehow kinda expects me to know... not that i feel left out or what, i mean, before this, its his way of taking his holidays off and go travelling around and he even travelled the whole of US for 3 months of something sometime back and i think thats what he do but....thats before he met me.....

i mean, not that i can follow him or what, i just started work and like i dont have as much holidays as he and to cut things short, its just complicated...



actually i dont really know what im doing here to be honest...

we had a talk earlier on what will happen next year when my visa expires.. and all he can say is: youre a smart boy, you will know what to do...




keith, there are a few moments in this few months where i feel like i dont belong here and like this is not the life that i want to live...

well, i knew before this that you might be too young for me and... you know.. ...but you say you wanted to try and...

*jokingly* you know i'll be gone by the time you come back...

well, i thought of it before....

REALLY??....



well, do you wanna stop this now??

i... dont know..

i mean, you feel like exploring the outside world?!?!

.....


and then it went silent...




he was packing a few hours ago and i just watch him pack, the whole time we didnt make a sound and until now, the only time in our relationship, we didnt sleep together, as in i kinda isolate myself and he didnt say a word..

its like as though he doesnt want to talk about it and yet doesnt wanna even ask what im thinking about...

as though he doesnt care just to avoid any confrontation..

i really dont know how to react or do..





i feel like walking to the beach now...

its 1.34am and really a lil fresh air could really do me good... but.. im paranoid something bad will happen like being boynapped or get killed by some drunkards or being pushed off the cliff into the sea etc..

basically im a coward in a unique way.. or to put it in nicer words, being extra careful..

his sister is picking him up tomorrow morning and i have to be in the house alone and not to make noise or movement cos he is not out and he is "living alone" kinda thing..



now that i think of it, i realize something..

i dont think im the type of person who can live with someone who isnt out, i mean, im not out but at least im not hiding, if people were to find out find out la.. but like...

i dont know..

maybe keith just isnt the one..

but what is the one anyway?!?

there wont be a the one...

people changes and adapt when the time comes, sometimes they fit in, sometimes they don't...



im gonna ask myself now, what if i were to leave keith now, what will change? i have less than a year being in this country and then i will need to leave.. what can i do? find someone else new? what time do i have? i work daily from 9-6, i reach home, cook eat and sleep, only time left is the weekends, what can possible happen??

am i not happy with keith?

the answer is no. but I'm not satisfied either..

am i being too demanding? am i being too inconsiderate?

what can i do? just live with keith knowing each day that i will be gone next year anyway until the day when i really do leave the country...

did i really make a mistake by starting something knowing that its not gonna end nice?

yes, we will never know what the future holds for us.. maybe Keith is just not meant to be.. or maybe im just too ... too....... i dont know...

i dont know what i want in life, i dont know what im feeling right now, everything is just not right..


but when i take a step back and breathe and think, i really feel content with life, i mean i have such a good life but im just not appreciating it, yet demanding more out of life, is it wrong?


i feel bad for keith but to think of it, he will be having a ball travelling abroad.. haha..





i want someone, and i need someone that i can introduce to my friends... and i dont think Keith is that someone.. im not shy nor embarrassed, being closeted has its limitation.. i feel like im very restricted.. and feeling restricted in one of the most gay-friendly country is bad..

i twist and turn my words so much, it all just points to one thing... im not gonna say it cos i feel like a horrible person.. even thinking of it is like poison..

maybe being alone for this one month would help me somehow..

maybe..



the picture of you just flashes across my mind every now and then bu, i dont know why but thinking of you just bring tears down my......

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry,
have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night,
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right.... have you ever?......

those song lyrics are by Brandy... it just fits so perfectly now.. i really miss you bu.... i just need you to hold me now and dont let go... 5 minutes will do.. just 5 minutes...