funny enough, its been awhile since i last dreamt of you...
the dream was so somehow exciting yet wrong..
we were travelling in some country, it was hot climate and we were so happy together..
you were the one driving and at one point i look at you from the front passenger seat while holding your hand.. and i never felt any happier in my life...
the whole journey was just all smiles..
at one instant i feel bad cos you were with someone else at that point of time and doing this is as though youre betraying him, cheating and stuffs, but you looked at me and reassure me everything will be ok...
and then i woke up.... .....i think.
well, if feels like forever in that dream but when i woke up and to think back, whats left in my memory about that dream was just few images of your smile...
at least it felt good for a moment..
Keith is leaving for a month in a few hours time. He has a wedding to attend in Australia and before that he will stop by a few asian countries.. Malaysia is one of it..
funny thing is that i wasnt really informed about this at all and he somehow kinda expects me to know... not that i feel left out or what, i mean, before this, its his way of taking his holidays off and go travelling around and he even travelled the whole of US for 3 months of something sometime back and i think thats what he do but....thats before he met me.....
i mean, not that i can follow him or what, i just started work and like i dont have as much holidays as he and to cut things short, its just complicated...
actually i dont really know what im doing here to be honest...
we had a talk earlier on what will happen next year when my visa expires.. and all he can say is: youre a smart boy, you will know what to do...
keith, there are a few moments in this few months where i feel like i dont belong here and like this is not the life that i want to live...
well, i knew before this that you might be too young for me and... you know.. ...but you say you wanted to try and...
*jokingly* you know i'll be gone by the time you come back...
well, i thought of it before....
REALLY??....
well, do you wanna stop this now??
i... dont know..
i mean, you feel like exploring the outside world?!?!
.....
and then it went silent...
he was packing a few hours ago and i just watch him pack, the whole time we didnt make a sound and until now, the only time in our relationship, we didnt sleep together, as in i kinda isolate myself and he didnt say a word..
its like as though he doesnt want to talk about it and yet doesnt wanna even ask what im thinking about...
as though he doesnt care just to avoid any confrontation..
i really dont know how to react or do..
i feel like walking to the beach now...
its 1.34am and really a lil fresh air could really do me good... but.. im paranoid something bad will happen like being boynapped or get killed by some drunkards or being pushed off the cliff into the sea etc..
basically im a coward in a unique way.. or to put it in nicer words, being extra careful..
his sister is picking him up tomorrow morning and i have to be in the house alone and not to make noise or movement cos he is not out and he is "living alone" kinda thing..
now that i think of it, i realize something..
i dont think im the type of person who can live with someone who isnt out, i mean, im not out but at least im not hiding, if people were to find out find out la.. but like...
i dont know..
maybe keith just isnt the one..
but what is the one anyway?!?
there wont be a the one...
people changes and adapt when the time comes, sometimes they fit in, sometimes they don't...
im gonna ask myself now, what if i were to leave keith now, what will change? i have less than a year being in this country and then i will need to leave.. what can i do? find someone else new? what time do i have? i work daily from 9-6, i reach home, cook eat and sleep, only time left is the weekends, what can possible happen??
am i not happy with keith?
the answer is no. but I'm not satisfied either..
am i being too demanding? am i being too inconsiderate?
what can i do? just live with keith knowing each day that i will be gone next year anyway until the day when i really do leave the country...
did i really make a mistake by starting something knowing that its not gonna end nice?
yes, we will never know what the future holds for us.. maybe Keith is just not meant to be.. or maybe im just too ... too....... i dont know...
i dont know what i want in life, i dont know what im feeling right now, everything is just not right..
but when i take a step back and breathe and think, i really feel content with life, i mean i have such a good life but im just not appreciating it, yet demanding more out of life, is it wrong?
i feel bad for keith but to think of it, he will be having a ball travelling abroad.. haha..
i want someone, and i need someone that i can introduce to my friends... and i dont think Keith is that someone.. im not shy nor embarrassed, being closeted has its limitation.. i feel like im very restricted.. and feeling restricted in one of the most gay-friendly country is bad..
i twist and turn my words so much, it all just points to one thing... im not gonna say it cos i feel like a horrible person.. even thinking of it is like poison..
maybe being alone for this one month would help me somehow..
maybe..
the picture of you just flashes across my mind every now and then bu, i dont know why but thinking of you just bring tears down my......
Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry,
have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night,
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right.... have you ever?......
those song lyrics are by Brandy... it just fits so perfectly now.. i really miss you bu.... i just need you to hold me now and dont let go... 5 minutes will do.. just 5 minutes...
