complicated..

been viewing houses this few days, its not an easy thing to do, few viewings were postponed, some places were so dodgy that i don't even feel like entering after they open the door, but i had to go in and show my interest as i already promised to have a look...

pictures can be deceiving, you learnt that from grindr, but it also applies to properties online.. I'm looking for a furnished place to stay and those that were posted online was luring me like crazy but some really turned out to be disastrous real life..

hopefully the next few that I'm going soon will somehow be more promising..

just when my emotions were kinda haywired from the thought and hassle of moving out, someone close to my heart passed on... :') i miss him so much... i promised him that i would see him after graduation but i didn't really go back after that and true enough, months later, he is gone forever... I'm glad that i was there for him when he was still alive, and not like some hypocrite that only goes to the funeral out of respect ... whats the point?! thinking of it makes me pissed...

hm...

saying goodbye is never easy..

and for Keith, will be an emotional one too i guess, when he returns..

two more weeks till Keith is back but I've already told him about the split already... he is a big boy, i guess .... i guess he will handle it better than I expected.. after all he is a man man... manly man are just stupid at expressing their true feelings, they just keep it and.. in the end get hurt .. . but i guess thats one of the cons of not being out... everything must be proper and kept quiet...

...

.......

tonight was the funeral, it was quite emotional in a way that knowing that i should be there as someone important to him but due to .... circumstances, I'm here mourning gracefully, even my superior was shocked on how composed i am, maybe thats the life of an actor, you have to stay in character at work and not let family matters ruin the working mood...

the moment i heard about his passing, i was just shocked, it didn't really hit until about 30 minutes later, then, i cried my heart and lungs out... i remember crying that way 2 months after leaving Malaysia, after leaving bubu when i came over here to study... crying really helps in a way, and after everything is out, the only feeling left was numb...

.....


........

so to kinda distract my mood, i went out for a movie, well, it was kinda like a date, but it wasn't a date in a way as well? lol.. lets call him Frankie.

after telling Keith that i wanted to move out and away, i downloaded Grindr -.- don't rolleyes! well Frankie was the first one there to nudge me and i don't know what had gotten into me, after getting his number, i deleted off grindr.

this would be our third meet tonight, i'll write about our first two meets the next time. anyway, we planned to meet tonight for movie as there's a movie deal thingy every Wednesday like back home, and its been months since i last saw a movie in the cinema so its nice to kinda be asked out for one..

half way through the movie, our hands met and my heart skipped a beat, it felt nice... its like romance and all all over again.. after movie we went to chinatown for dinner, we chatted along the way and it was nice in a way to have dinner and truly be yourself, i can't do that when i was with Keith, and Keith doesn't really do those kinda things... i mean I'm not comparing la but its... its nice la...

we ordered two bubble tea to go and just roam around the streets of newcastle for about an hour, half way through, he hold my hand, in the middle of nowhere...

:)

it felt good, it felt right...

its not something you can do in public back home.. at that instant you feel like you're on top of the world... i looked at him and smile and he said: I'm not afraid of holding your hands.. and he smiled, my heart sank...

....

this relationship, i don't even know what to call it, it might just be a short lived experience as he might be leaving the country soon..

he kinda asked my opinion on him leaving, as much as I want him to stay, i told him as a friend to pursue what he wants in life and not hold back as you might not know what happens tomorrow.. cheekily he said that he has his concerns on the move...

so whatever it is..

at least it was a good moment for me...

at least in these kinda stressed moment, he was there to kinda distract me from reality... Niey was kinda worried about me as I was in such a complicated situation with Keith and all, he kinda asked me not to add more complications into my life i.e. Frankie, settle Keith and the moving first then only talk about Frankie.

you know you would always listen to your friend's words and not your parents? well i think Niey is starting to feel like family and so i didn't really took his advice.. haha.. and i think i did the right thing la.. i know you care for me Niey and I know you dowana see me hurt.. :) *hugs* i'll take care of myself :)

hm.....

maybe everything will fall into place soon, I've got a good feeling about this...