the day you realize you love someone so much...

with bubu, i love him so much since the day i met him and my love towards him never changed throughout the 21 months we were together..

with keith, i think its kinda the same..

i think im the type that if i think im really into him, i will fall for him fast, love him to bits and keep loving him till the end...

when i got separated with bubu, it was so hard living so far away from him being 7000 miles apart..

i cried so hard over the first few months when i first got here..

with Keith, it was today that i cried the hardest..



its been almost two months since we separated, it is only today when i really see him again after so long that i realize i really do love him this much..

the whole time we were together, never did i say i love him, nor from him to me..

its always been unclear or just a mutual understanding thing..

from him fetching me from mine back to his, and then have breakfast together, then watching him coming home in the evening and with cuddles and kisses all seems so nostalgic and its kinda like what we would do before...      he would fetch me from my place, i used to live 30mins drive away from him and he would come pick me and back to his place then drop me off home too... breakfast was our saturday routine where he would make it and present it in front of me and wake me to eat it.. this time i was the one who was doing it and it feels good... coming home in the evening was a routine thing when i started working.. cuddles and kisses are usually to end the day and so today was kinda like a collection of things we would do kinda thing and it just feel so so comfortable..

i miss keith a lot...

i really do...

its only today that i realize that i love him so much... being with keith is so comfortable, its so... i feel so taken care of... he is a gentleman, he spends money wisely, he is caring, sometimes doesnt really know how to express his feeling but thats ok, its a very manly trait thats quite cute in a way...

he is so so plain and basic and his life is so simple... its so me... i feel like what we want is so similar...

all these while even after separating i still have his set of house keys..

today i asked him: hm.... do you want your key back?

saying that brought me to tears...

and he replied: well, only if you want to...

...


i slowly unchain the keys from my keychain and as i put it in his hands, it started raining down my cheek...

it feels like im officially ending something, something that i love so much and im kinda giving up on it... which makes me feel so terrible...

me crying makes him hug me even tighter and of course he teared too, he tries to hide but.. haha... red eyes dont lie..

i think i cry hard for a good whole minute or 2 and then i just uttered out: if only you were 20 years younger....

he hugged me even tighter and replied: if you were 20 years older i would marry you tomorrow...


i feel so happy to hear that and i... i cry even harder...

thats when i realize that the next one that i love, i will kinda go all out and try to make it work, and marriage would be the ultimatum and it would be so so meaningful and special...

he sent me home after that...

it was not easy, breaking up is not easy, letting go is even harder...




i just hope everything will be ok..

im such a wreck now.. haha... im like a crybaby today...