im bottom but im not bottom? lol

so this conversation happen over whatsapp one afternoon with a friend from Maraysia..

him: few days ago, i pushed a guy to a wall, hold his waist and kissed HIM!!! so not botttttom!

me: errrr... i know you top(in real life i think he bottom) ma, long long time also i know liao one... lol... bottom also can do that one ma.. must be top only can do meh?!

what?? serious?!?!? .... lol... the guy is so like you, i should call him tuls version 2.0..

lmao...

he diva style, tanned, very angmo speaking, english very booomz... i told him im bottom but he doesnt believe it after i did that...

-.- hahahaha.. like me ma, im only bottom in bed, real life i like to think that im the one who takes care of the other half..

but you got hiao bottom look...

what the fuck? got ahhhh?! how how how? what do you mean?

very fabulous, diva look..

hhahahahahah... lol...

really... like you will say it very mean like that, like talk to the hand!!! you born as diva *snap finger like diva*

omg, if i diva then bubu is what?

fyi, this is a friend of the bubu era..

erm.... but i dont feel power diva from him la...

OMG!! REALLLY??!?!?!

hahahaha... 

i think he act differently in different crowds ba.. when im comfortable with someone my true colours will appear one...

i seee.... ....you always fabulous and diva...

-.- LOL THANKS THANKS...

very style k!


anyways, i feel like there is always two side to a person, like when you meet someone new, you will put your best front to it and try to generate a good first impression and when you finally get to know that person well enough the true you will surface in a way?

well, some people we just tend to click straight away and no good first impression is needed?! lol

like when i was with bubu, he is usually the macho one around my friends and vice versa... and so because this friend is kinda considered "my" friend... and so i think thats how i appear more "comfortable" as how i would say around him... but eventually all my friends are his friends and vice versa, haha.. i wonder what does the friends whom we meet as a couple thinks about us.. lol.. that I AM CURIOUS! :) hahaha...

speaking of which, to think about it, it would have been our 4th year anniversary if we were still together :) come everybody, please go awwwwwwww... lol.. couples that we met that are still together till date that i can think of and hopefully still together i.e. Bear bunny, alex and rapunzel, i wish you guys all the happiness you can get from each other :) so envious la.... eeeee.... hahahahaha... it will be so different if i were to return to maraysia and meet up with friends in the bubu-and-i-era without him... like a part of the whole joy is missing.. haha.. maybe thats one of the reason why i dowana go back to maraysia... its like... ..... the feeling is gonna be so different...

i can imagine how bubu felt when he passed places that we used to go which is like the whole of PJ and KL... hm.... it must have been really really tough for him when we i first left overseas...

i still do think of you every now and then bu..

yes you will always be a part of me and so will keith..

i remember(i think i remember la k, i got amnesia one): letting go is not your strongest quality but ...(something something positive people say to make you feel better)....

lol...

im just happy and content to experience what i had... haha..

little tom tom... valentines day coming liao... what should i do what should i do?!?!? ARGHASHLAFHALKFALKHAKGAH;SLFJA;LJA

uncertainties....

for a person living with cancer, he could die tomorrow...

for a person living with HIV, he could die in 20 years....

for a healthy person like me, i might not die....




well, at least not that soon..


LOL


*i did not take into account of freak accidents, natural disasters, supernova, tsunami, may13, 911 etc into the above statement k, just general nia...




when we are occupied with something, we tend to shut everything out..

when we are free, the brain will find something else to stress about...

a person who is infected with HIV, everything become a stress around him, his life is a stress, every decision that he is making will be a stress..

a person who has cancer, surviving each day is a stress, to think he is gonna make it through another day is a stress...

i feel like recently i have been stressing over stuffs that are quite unnecessary  ... i keep thinking about all those "what if" where i could have just ignore for the time being and enjoy myself...

what if i cant stay...

what if i cant find a job...

what if i need to go back...

what if this

what if that...

im starting to think about trying to stay and be as close as possible to Tom if i could..



lucky for me i have Niey to remind me that as long as i can stay back in the UK, distance could be compromised and things could be worked out between Tom and I, if no stay means no talk, which I find it absolutely true but i just didnt realize like at all...

i mean, im starting to think of ways to stay and try to bunk my CV up and like hopefully get a sponsor and a job so i could stay...




then suddenly i dont know what happen or who happen or was is Niey or who kinda trigger my brain and make me feel like why am I trying so hard to stay in Newcastle where I can try venturing into other parts of the UK...

i mean, the only reason why I'm thinking this way is because of Tom cos he is based around here for now..

i mean, why am I limiting myself?



then i feel like, I'm prioritizing him more than my own.. which is...erm.. im not sure whether is it a good thing or not la.. but anyway....

I kinda have a feeling like I dont care where I'm gonna end up, I will find a fucking way to stay be it working some deserted(nah, im a city boy man!!!) area or far away from Newcastle or whatever, as long as i can stay in the UK...

suddenly I feel like if i take Tom off the picture, things would be easier...



but whatever it is.... Im gonna work my way to stay here, and of course preferably near Tom, if it happens then good, if not, then..... hopefully Tom and I will try to work things out...

if distance is really a thing that divides us, then maybe finding someone new near where I permanently work(in the future) would be a good option... not to say im giving up on Tom, just saying so that my mind is not clouded by the thought of TOM TOM TOM TOM all the time.. haha..

as much as i like him and want to be with him, if he really likes me, there will be some level of compromisation(not a real word,hahahahaahah), maybe he will work his way to be near where i work in the future? haha... well, thats something im really looking forward to, as in to see what he feels about it... for now, he still has his wall up, mine is half way hanging...

.....


....


and stressing over this seems so trivial...

i quote my first boyfriend(one of the reason we broke of is cos of this sentence lol): i have a whole line of guys waiting to date me....(in my case, back in malaysia etc)

so if UK is not my playground, i can always go back(trying to comfort myself) and venture out from scratch...

haha...

tuls oh tuls...

make it work bitch!!

from all my past relationships, one thing is common, is that i never really wanted it enough to make things work..

maybe it be because i wasnt ready..

or maybe cos i wasnt really sure..

maybe cos i wasnt mature enough at that moment of time to really know what i want..



with my first boyfriend, it was so young, i was like 17 and he was like 15.. and we were like still virgins and like still so fresh and inexperience and over the years we kinda grew curious and venture out on our own and separated in a way shortly after a couple of years...

then with bubu, i love him and i still do but at that moment of time i kinda put my studies first even before him and end up in england and we kinda separated after that..

i feel like i have been really selfish in a way.. and like... well, i mean, humans do always think for themselves first and others later, thats human nature no? and I think with Keith i love myself too much to go further and deeper in the relationship so that i wont get hurt in the end..

but when you can put someone else's as priority before yours, that someone would be a very happy person..

the thing is we sometimes do it to the people we love but.... sometimes it is not always returned..

there will always be one party that loves the other more...

if you can find a balance between 2 people who love each other that they would sacrifice and make each other their priority, that it would be perfect! and maybe a happy ever after ending...

but come on.. what are the odds of finding that...

im really hoping that Tom turns out to be that person, i mean, i really want my next relationship to work...

i feel like ive been trying and trying and trying and never try hard enough or maybe put extra effort in sustaining a relationship

maybe not yet...

maybe there are always obstacles...

but...

i really want it to work this time...

but obstacles are there as we speak...

so all i can do now is wait.. and work on it by removing obstacles little by little... i mean, there are always people to date and people to have sex with every corner in life...

and i know friends of mine that live by that code of singlehood and never getting attached and have all the sex in the world but my goal is different...

whats the point.. hahahah...

i mean i love sex...

but i love being attached even more...

people say getting attached is overrated... maybe they are just jealous that they cant sustain one.. haha..

whatever the reason , i just need to work on it...

if i put all i can and have in it and it still doesnt work, then i have nothing else to say...




niey said something and i think its really crucial, is that i need to remind myself, that throughout the process, dont let the other party take advantage of me... well, i dont mind him taking advantage of me sexually cos i damn dry but.. yea... the heart matters ....

yes...

that is something we always neglect and ignore..



ok tulsie.. new year new spirit, new goal, new aim and new person of interest :) little Tom..

What happen in 2013??

i just realize i made new years resolution for 2013 and posted in this blog twelve months ago, this is really embarrassing cos i have no recollection doing it..
anyway, the list is as follows:

1. Be grateful2. Graduate3. More thrifty in expenditures4. Don't take Keith for granted5. Take the initiative to keep in touch with Malaysia


apart from the 5th one, i think i did everything else... 

I did not really put much effort in maintaining contact with my homeland even though i have all the time in the world to do so. I neglected talking to my family and my friends. I mean, yup, they kinda understand the distance and the time difference and all but.. All i can think of is excuses. Maybe I'm blaming myself too much? ... i dont know.. well, sometimes i dont even remember that i need to keep in touch with them.. is that bad? :( well, maybe there are lots of other things that are occupying my mind right now(or then)..

on more petty resolution that was also listed are:

6. Do something about your body please, its lari-ing
7. Pakai parfum hari hari
8. Make sure bed room is tidy at all times!
9. Go on a well deserved vacation after graduation
10. Dont procrastinate too much
11. Dont masturbate too much
12. Try to be more open minded(very hard cos im very very very open liao)
13. Make a dance routine on Earthquake by Labyrinth! lol
14. Eat healthily
15. Manage time more efficiently 

number 8 is a disaster. really sorry Mister room. 10 and 11 unachievable. 13 failed. 15 could be better but overall I think 2013 is pretty good.

Summary of 2013 is as follow:

fell in love, had the scare of my life from Chlamydia, graduated, started working, broke up, went for crazy dating spree, found new love..

so yea, sounds simple and easy but no one knows what happens behind the scene..

looking back at the few post i had in the past year, one of them was titled: WHAT IF I BROKE UP WITH KEITH.. haha.... not to jinx it but its just hilarious to see post that are predictive that kinda happened too.. lol... but no one was prepared for it.. not even me...

:)

but im glad it ended...

im glad we had closure...

im really glad that he is seeing someone else now and kinda used his experience with me to make things better with this new guy, the jealous me would be: oh, he wont be as good as ME, but the me that wants him to be happy is really happy for him right now although he is still not letting go of me just yet...

i mean...

its not easy....

its not easy for me too....

but it needs to be done...

Keith would be a sweet memory that I will cherish...

ive got my eyes on little Tom now, i just need to settle one more thing before I confess my feelings to him... 

wish me luck..

and..

Happy New Year. I hope this year will be a good one for me!! 2+0+1+4 = 7

lucky number 7 no? lol

ps. thank you to those who were there supporting me all the way from all over the world throughout my years in the west: niey, soulchild, daddyO, littleprince, bear and bunny, KW, bubu, wyatt, dannythebigmouth, germsy, malimo, mascaraboy, sunflowergirl to name a few that i can think of :)