uncertainties....

for a person living with cancer, he could die tomorrow...

for a person living with HIV, he could die in 20 years....

for a healthy person like me, i might not die....




well, at least not that soon..


LOL


*i did not take into account of freak accidents, natural disasters, supernova, tsunami, may13, 911 etc into the above statement k, just general nia...




when we are occupied with something, we tend to shut everything out..

when we are free, the brain will find something else to stress about...

a person who is infected with HIV, everything become a stress around him, his life is a stress, every decision that he is making will be a stress..

a person who has cancer, surviving each day is a stress, to think he is gonna make it through another day is a stress...

i feel like recently i have been stressing over stuffs that are quite unnecessary  ... i keep thinking about all those "what if" where i could have just ignore for the time being and enjoy myself...

what if i cant stay...

what if i cant find a job...

what if i need to go back...

what if this

what if that...

im starting to think about trying to stay and be as close as possible to Tom if i could..



lucky for me i have Niey to remind me that as long as i can stay back in the UK, distance could be compromised and things could be worked out between Tom and I, if no stay means no talk, which I find it absolutely true but i just didnt realize like at all...

i mean, im starting to think of ways to stay and try to bunk my CV up and like hopefully get a sponsor and a job so i could stay...




then suddenly i dont know what happen or who happen or was is Niey or who kinda trigger my brain and make me feel like why am I trying so hard to stay in Newcastle where I can try venturing into other parts of the UK...

i mean, the only reason why I'm thinking this way is because of Tom cos he is based around here for now..

i mean, why am I limiting myself?



then i feel like, I'm prioritizing him more than my own.. which is...erm.. im not sure whether is it a good thing or not la.. but anyway....

I kinda have a feeling like I dont care where I'm gonna end up, I will find a fucking way to stay be it working some deserted(nah, im a city boy man!!!) area or far away from Newcastle or whatever, as long as i can stay in the UK...

suddenly I feel like if i take Tom off the picture, things would be easier...



but whatever it is.... Im gonna work my way to stay here, and of course preferably near Tom, if it happens then good, if not, then..... hopefully Tom and I will try to work things out...

if distance is really a thing that divides us, then maybe finding someone new near where I permanently work(in the future) would be a good option... not to say im giving up on Tom, just saying so that my mind is not clouded by the thought of TOM TOM TOM TOM all the time.. haha..

as much as i like him and want to be with him, if he really likes me, there will be some level of compromisation(not a real word,hahahahaahah), maybe he will work his way to be near where i work in the future? haha... well, thats something im really looking forward to, as in to see what he feels about it... for now, he still has his wall up, mine is half way hanging...

.....


....


and stressing over this seems so trivial...

i quote my first boyfriend(one of the reason we broke of is cos of this sentence lol): i have a whole line of guys waiting to date me....(in my case, back in malaysia etc)

so if UK is not my playground, i can always go back(trying to comfort myself) and venture out from scratch...

haha...

tuls oh tuls...