say something im giving up on you...

i dont really know what i want..

how long will i have being here is still a mystery... i wanna stay but is it even possible?

he on the other hand wants to go to some asian country so badly... and if not, he will wanna go Paris...   .




say something by a great big world is on repeat for the whole night...




it doesnt feel right..

nothing feels right right now...

i dont think im fit to be in a relationship now..

well, not until im stable down at a place...

that being said, how would i know i wont here?

hm...



anyhow, Frankie doesnt seem to fit the pic well anyway...

i gave up texting him..

its been two days and i dowana be the one who is always initiating a conversation.... the last thing that went thru 2 days ago were

hey, youve been quiet today..

yea, im sorry, been busy this week...


yea.. i dont really wanna hear bullshit...

just a text..

doesnt really take you 2 secs




say something im giving up on you...

wild sex fantasies with my landlord...

im destined to be the maid forever! lol..

my landlord left the house in a hurry and wasnt gonna be back for quite some time and guess what, he was half way doing his laundry and interrupted my laundry washing time thingy and i have to dry his and fold and text him and he was like: mate, im so sorry i was in a rush...

and being the kind maid me, i folded each and every single piece of fabric and lay it properly aside for him when he returns...

he is gonna be acting in a local series next year and he is kinda building his body for the movie and like his butt is so so tight and his forceps.... and ... erm.. nevermind... he is hot la my landlord, and he is young and suckcessful and... anyway.. i just had a fantasy having wild sex with him in the living room -.-

wtf..

yes.. i admit...

but like omgosh this is so not professional!!

and he is straight omgosh...

but he is so hot...

and its gonna be so wrong and awkward!!!!

LOL...

ok im not gonna talk anymore...

we are only friends now..

well, i still have feelings for him, its not something that could be erased overnight.. but i hope with time everything will be ok.. as for now, we are only friends.. 

i think we will meet up quite often for meals and stuffs cos we do live quite near each other and like.. why not..

haha...

it was an emotional day for me when keith returned from his trip..

at first i thought im gonna as in i could hold from crying but when he came through the door with his arms open, i couldnt help but to pour out like a small kid...

holding him for about 5 mins seems like 2 hours..

he being the manly man he is hold on to his tears but i know he did tear..

silly keith...

we went for a last meal before he send me off to my new place...

i know its kinda wrong for him to send me to my new place but i needed his help to bring some of my furniture over..

hm...

during the meal, we were talking about his trip and it just hit my mind to ask him about...

so, did you had sex during the trip?!

well of course!! you dumped me!!

hey!!!! what..... you call that dump!!

hahahaha.. yes!!! i was depressed then.. it took me two days for it to sink in...

lol.. omgosh!!! were you protected?!!??!!

yea...

omgosh.... is he asian??

erm.. yea.

is he tall?

5 8...

oh, thats short... *flips hair*

he is a cabin crew...

-.- such a short cabin crew, how did he qualify?

he works for malaysian airline..

-.- wtf......

but he is indonesian i think..

whatever...

since you had sex with someone else then im not gonna have break up sex with you la..

-.- ... nothing beats cuddling..

urgh..... cabin crew... urgh... *rolleyes*

why??

where are your standards?!?!?

what??

im a *insert job title*.... you must aim higher!!!!

lol!!!!!!

we both laughed...

well, it did made my heart itch a little but... im not angry at all... does it mean im good? 

im writing this on my new bed, this is my first night here.. i hope i can sleep properly...

im loving my new place already...

so so so nice!!!

last day here in the place i call home...

as i wash and put all the dishes back into the cupboard, the kitchen looked so empty...

it looked so clean, so deserted..

this is where all the magic happens.. i cooked here, i did the laundry, all my maid preps and..


the kitchen breathes my name, my scent, my air...

as i close the kitchen door behind me, i couldn't help but shed a tear...

its gonna be my last night here in this place...

i puffed up each of the red pillows on the long L shaped sofa as though I'm saying my last farewell to each and one of them...

im gonna miss this place so much..

taking each slow step as i walk up the red-carpeted stairway.. i could feel the softness of the fabric caressing the sole of my feet as though they are waving goodbye in their own way...

as i step into the shower and take my last shower of the night i couldn't help but imagine what will this house be like without me..

well, ...

i guess its not up to me to think about all these..

at least i took good care of this house for a month since he's been gone..

this place looked good..

this place looks presentable...

as least i live up to my maid status.. haha....    :)


tugging myself in bed with two layers of duvet over my naked body, i look up and out the window...

the stars are telling me I'm doing the right thing..

the moon nods giving me the green light to sleep...

knowing that Keith will be back tomorrow and that my life will be different altogether..

will i be able to cope..

will i adapt..

?

i won't have the luxury of having someone driving me around..

i won't have someone to pick me up from work anymore...

i.....



i will be fine..

i will be..

i just need some time...

masturbate smoke out..

ok, emo posts aside..

was so horny i mastrebrated and guess what!?!!? cos it was fucking 1 degree or something outside, I'm not sure what the room temperature was la but when i cum there was smoke coming out too!!! lol.. like instant evaporation like that! hahahahaahahahahaha... so KOOOOOOL!! in a way la cos i jakun.. lol...

i just realise that i didn't really mentioned about Frankie for quite some time already..

the thing is..

i don't know what should i really do about him...

not sure whether he is here to stay or leave...

and his answers are always uncertain..

him not replying me sometimes makes me wonder is he dating someone else or not...

well, he say no la but.. haha.. well, there's always a bad angel keep whispering in your ear telling you otherwise...

I was quite curious 2 nights ago and i asked him this: Frankie, can you see us living together in the future?

yea...

then after an hour...

I'm really sorry but i don't make enough money to live with you.. i only work part time.. i can't pay rent lol

-.-  im not asking you to move in with me now la silly! and you chose to answer that after an hour?!??! -.-

well, you asked about it! lol




but yea...

we are going out for a movie again this wednesday.. can't wait.. its like movie night every week for us and its like the only thing we kinda do... well, it hasn't reach a bore stage yet and i don't think i will be bored to go out for movie since my life is so dull now lol...

i always tell other people to think positive but own words doesn't really work on myself.. lol..

moved half of my stuffs...

i packed all day yesterday.. i lay 3 luggages, 3 hand luggages and 3 boxes by the hallway near the main entrance..

then this morning came...

i saw the cases...

i feel so troubled..

like I'm not sure what I'm doing kinda thing...

i took off, and left to the seafront to get some morning breeze...

it was 1 degree celcius with wind about 30mph..

the sun was sky high and bright like a diamond..

i feel so at peace standing at the edge of my worst nightmare.. the cliff..

demi lovato's warrior was playing on my iPod and the whole feeling is just good..

i walked home... went up to my laptop, searched for the taxi's number and key it onto my phone...

the dial button has like a thick transparent barrier preventing me from pushing it at that moment...

at last i took a deep breath and called..

moments later everything was in the cab and I'm off to my new place..

at least half of my stuffs are there in the new room now..

no turning back no more...

everything will be over once keith is home..

hm....

moving is not easy...

moving away is something hard to do..

not the physical aspect but...

I've turned this messy place into a liveable nest that is conducive for all purpose.. I'm just so comfortable living here and... thinking of leaving makes me kinda sad in a way..

i know it will be better with time..

but for now... hm...

I've been packing all afternoon, 3 suitcases and 5 boxes all filled now..

will be moving tomorrow afternoon then final move will be on the following weekend..

seeing this place getting emptier as i tidy my own stuffs , its just, like I'm wondering whether is this really happening...

but i guess its happening for a reason..

well, I'm also wondering whether will this place be messy all over again once i leave but i don't think I'm in any position to think about that since i chose to leave...

hmm....

i think i will miss this place...

why am i crying so easily?

how should i put this...

its been an emotional 2 months..

people come and go from out lives just like that...

maybe I'm seeking attention..

maybe I'm getting the wrong ones.. entertaining them even though i know it does no good..

i just need someone to hug me so tight right now.. and i just wanna cry and cry until everything dries up and whispers that everything will be ok...

I've said this a million times, but i never seem to do it.. haha.. maybe deep down I'm too shy to show my true feelings, makes me feel vulnerable, this strong front is what keeps me going..

hm...

I'm tired...

fourth date..

its our fourth date today and our second movie night so far, we watched escape plan the first time round and it was good but Captain Phillips this time was even better! i think its one of my favourite so far!!

anyways......

the more i go on a date with Frankie the more i think he is an unsettled soul.

unsettling in a way like he doesn't like to be in a same place for long, like he has been france for a year and he is quite fluent in that language and he is currently doing translating and interpreting for the french.. and like he might wanna live there kinda thing ...

we were chatting over dinner and he was saying that he applied to work in China/Taiwan etc and i was like... in my heart: why on earth are we dating la?!?!

i mean, no point dating pun right if he is going away soon...

but like when i did really suggest indirectly like what on earth are we doing this and stuffs he was like: well, we shall see(in a way like he might not go abroad and stay in the UK)...

and the more i think, the more it doesn't make sense in a way too,  i mean, in my case, my visa has like an expiry and to come back for job in the future won't be easy but its not impossible, but still, what if i can't really come back..

whats the point?

hm...

but anyway,

take one step at a time la right....

so yea, thats what i am doing la..

will be moving half of my stuffs out this weekend to my new place... then the rest will be moved once keith is back...

hm....

Frankie is here to stay..

so after patiently waited for a day, he finally texted me..

it was killing me to a point waiting for his text that i kinda lost it.. i self induced emo by listening to emo songs all morning yesterday..

well, the texts was kinda disconnected here and there so... I'm really not sure whether he isn't into texting or he is really occupied..

anyway, he texted me this morning saying that he isn't gonna take up that offer to go abroad.. ... all i can answer was: ok...

he then asked me: are you happy?

well i replied saying i am happy but to be honest I'm really numb.. numb cos of his disjointed messages.. i feel like I'm not very important kinda thing.. the thing with the technology now is that you will know whether the other person has seen your message already but decide not to reply you -.-

that kinda irks me even more...

i think i should resolve to emails la at least i can anticipate a mail and not really care when he reads it.. urgh..

that aside, I'm kinda glad that he is staying.. in a way.

and the text thing, maybe I'm just too sensitive la kan.. haha.. lol

back to work tomorrow peeps!! urgh... have a new week ahead loves!!

Frankie and my new house...

i think i had fallen for him...

haha.. as superficial as it is..

i feel like I'm so easy.. haha, well, i try not to be la but... ..........

lets describe Frankie..

Frankie is a ginger boy, he has blue eyes, slightly shorter than me, slim, speaks french, german and a little mandarin apart from english, just graduated and currently doing his masters?(well that i have to dig in deeper) i think, youngest of 3, uses lah, meh, lo etc manglish, and cos I'm malaysian sometimes he pushes too much -.- dates mostly asians i think cos i feel like all his exes are all asians and not to say one of them is malaysian, urgh, benci make me benci for entah.. hahahahaha...

i mean, I've known him only for two weeks and we've met up 3 times so far, maybe cos we didn't really do anything yet, the excitement of doing things and thinking of doing things together seems so exciting! lol..

I passed his house just now and texted him asking whether he wanted to meet or not since I'm just around the corner but all he said was: you're so pushy..(like a teasing manner la)

lol...

then i replied asking him to think through things about the move abroad and ask him to tell me when he has decided..

im not sure whether I'm feeling something eeeeky or what la but he doesn't really seem to put the effort of sending the first text, is that a caucasian thing? i don't think so ba... maybe he is just not into me? maybe he is thinking whether to continue this thingy we have cos he might be going abroad?

hm... i don't know...

so, im not gonna text him after this and I'm trying really hard.. its been 4 hours now and it feels like an accomplishment already lol..

he mixes with loads of asian gays in the area, feels like his niche to be surrounded by asians, makes me a lil jelly in a way cos I'm having bad thoughts of them touching him and urgh.. entah la... but yea, he is not that easy kinda person so,... i think he should be ok gua...

but yea, as long as his plans to go abroad is unclear, i can't really do anything, and even if he has decided not to go, it doesn't mean that he wants me pun.. not to say i desperately need someone la but hahahahahaha... now I'm wondering whether am I such a dependant person or a person who can't be single..

i mean, I've been single before but usually not long i guess, well,, as in.. ....anyway, i mean, it feels nice la when there is someone there to share your thoughts, your laughs, your cooking, cum... etc. lol ahahahahaha...

i was talking to a close friend last night and was asking him whether he thinks that i am a person who can't live alone kinda thing and he kinda reminded me that i was independent from a young age and maybe cos of that i might crave for dependancy? hm... maybe la.... but then i replied to him saying that I love being single but I love being with someone even more... lol.. he looked stunned with his eyes wide open cos i usually bimbo one then tiba tiba smart words came out lol..

hm....

superficial crush...

tidak boleh ni...

i hope he decides fast...

i mean, he has to decide soon anyway cos if he say yes he will be leaving the following week already..

as a friend i want him to go but..... hahaha.. i have got like 2 songs in my mind now... Stay by rihanna and let her go by passenger.. not sure whether the context is the same or not but the title seems quite suitable lol..

i peek on my un-screensaver-ed phone every few seconds lol...

so siao...

on another note, i found my new place to live alreadY!!!!!

its nearer to the train station which i take to work everyday and a few stops closer to work :) yay, means i will take waking up for granted and will sleep in even more after this! hahaha...

my landlord is a very very hot guy, suckcessful and married! awww... but i think divorced liao with kids and hot, and hunky, and successful, did i say that he is hot? anyway... he is very straight forward, very kind and very in need of a penjaga rumah cos he travels around a lot. he likes me a lot and he expressed that when we talked on the phone and when i came over for the viewing, his reasons was cos I work for a professional body and looks pro and sounds pro wahhh...so flattered then my face blush so much under those tans, so no use, nothing shines through..

anyway... i impulsively told him i'd take the room(house) after having a spin there.. seriously la, the house is so nice in a way cos maybe I've been living in shit places so far so better housing environment kinda boost my urge to stay there lol.. 

so yea, the deal was done, everything was printed and signed off on the day of the viewing and he called to cancel the rest of the appointment he has with other people who wants to come and view lol.. i feel so bad for them but he say: its first come first serve basis anyway, so don't feel bad..

anyway, one stress or problem settled..

now this Frankie thing(which is not even close when it comes to a problem) is now making my head spin... why la tuls you let something like that make you siao... hahahaha... monologue siut... and the stupid autocorrect make my siut to suit on the first time round cipet... lol

i think i surprised myself..

i suddenly have no desire of having sex with strangers anymore...

is it because now my mind has only Frankie in it? or is it an age related symptom? 

lol.. 

arghhhhh.....

can't wait for his text la... come la faster!!!!!

xoxo