t u l s

t u l s

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Carter and vacays...

we are back from our honeymoon and yet we have planned for our next vacation next month! :)

owing to the fact that Carter works abroad, we try to meet up as often as we could... even when Carter is back home, he is still hundreds of miles away from where i live...

when we first got together, Carter gave me a choice, either he gets a place in KL so that we could be closer together.. or like now, we try to meet up as often as possible but like somewhere away from home...

renting a place in KL but not staying in it most of the time seems like a waste no? and so i went for option two..

Ultraman Jino has a one month one state policy thing which he adopt starting this year where he goes off on a vacation to a different state each month! it is looking great so far and i think it is a splendid idea!

Carter and I didn't really plan it but it seems like we are doing a montly vacation thing as well. not as easy as we want to but we are trying our best! and as for now, our vacations are mostly funded by our passive income! :) if income is good, then we will get to vacay longer certain months and maybe stay at fancier places.. well, that's the goal... so... passive income please be good to us!! need to go to guanyinma.com and print out a wealthy spell and chant it every day! lol...

April and May and June are all fully booked and planned out! All of them is either next to lakes or by the sea... This is gonna be great! can't wait!! for those who keep asking me how many off days i have a year, i would say: same as you.

xoxo
tuls

Monday, March 21, 2016

Dear tuls...

I'm 20. I have a bf who is much older than me. We've been together for almost a year now. Things are starting to slow down. I feel like we don't connect the way we use to when we first started. He doesn't reply my text even though he has read it. He blocked his last seen so no one knows when he was last online. Clearly it had 2 blue ticks indicating that he read it. When I call, he doesn't answer, he doesn't even call me back. This happened countless of times and I'm starting to feel the pain. 

We both work and sometimes for really long hours. We don't stay together and that really makes meeting up very hard. We try to meet up as much as we could but sometimes we only meet once a week even though we both live in KL. 


There's a lot going on in my life right now. I just want him, i just need him, to be there for me, and make everything else go away. But now, I'm really tired. 

There's this one time where I thought he was flirting with another guy. I confronted him. Only to find out that the guy was a close friend and those were just harmless gestures and conversation. I know I'm jealous. I can't help it. I know it is wrong. But... We..... There's isn't much flirting going round when we first started. Not to say that he is incapable, but I just never get it from him. Is it wrong for me to feel jealous? 

We argue every now and then. ...What should I do? I reflect on my actions. I just couldn't control myself and sometimes I just cry for hours. 

I think I broke his trust. Not to say he doesn't love me. We do love each other. But I think I need to trust him more. But all these slow text and calls and replies are making me go crazy. I feel like if I'm in an accident and I reach out to him, I would have bled to death when he finally calls me back. 

****************************

You are very young. You want excitement. You feed on it. You want attention. You want passion. It's normal. Sometimes when a partner do not give you what you crave, well, it could be dangerous in the relationship. You will source it from somewhere else, well that's the bad part. The good part is you guys are argueing. I'm guessing that you guys do talk about your frustration that led to the arguement. Good thing. It kinda still mean that you want all the above from him. You don't go and get it somewhere else!...

I don't know how old is he but I'm guessing he is an old sloth. He had went through many of these kinda situation and maybe he is immuned to all these. Well I guess the only way to tackle these kinda sloth is to be the bigger person. Some sloths are just useless in changing their habits. But what can you do? You have fallen for a sloth. Not to say you need to accept it. But, trying looking at the bigger picture.

He is not cheating on you. He is just a little slower in replying. Ok. Maybe a lot slower. But in the end, he still comes back to you. It is not easy to find a guy who loves you and is loyal! I'm assuming he is.

It seems like you have trust issues. All young bloods do. And when i say young blood, it doesn't correlate with age. More on experience. Anyway... you just need to understand. Your bf might be in a time where he is focusing much more in career advancement than a relationship. Or maybe he is facing mid life crisis. Or quarter mid life or whatever crisis you can think of.  But saying that, he still met you and you guys work a relationship out regardless.

I think, just from your story, there are priority issues. Your next conversation with him, maybe you can try talking about priorities. Don't lash it out asking him where do you stand. Maybe trying asking him his priorities in life, what he wants, where he wants to go, what are his goals, and what he wants in the future and does his future has you in it.

If you can see the future with him and so does he, then I think a little sloth is worth the wait. You need to see the bigger picture. Maybe you are too young to see it but if you don't try, you won't know.

I hope it helps. Nothing is easy in life. You just need to make the best out of what you have and what is given to you.

p.s. Dont overthink. It doesn't do you any good.

xo
tuls

Monday, March 14, 2016

my first POZ friend...

hey tuls, haven't met for a long time!! wanna meet up?

that was a text on facebook after 7 years of not meeting. he was my mate in highschool. we were close back then but of course with time, we grew apart minding our own little lives...

Carter gave the green light as we were reading that message together and after a few hours i was out the door to a cafe nearby...

he lost weight, a little darker than before, still tall as usual... still lame and funny.

we talk about everything under the sun, him and his life... work... studies... his big promotion...

me and my UK, studies, work, and basically everything to sum up the 7 years of absence...

and then...

he came out to me...

he used to have a gf... that being said, it's not an excuse for me to exclude him from the gay equation but i just never would have thought that he is.. maybe cos we used to be so close that the thought never came up?

anyway...

he told me about his sluttiness...

the usual...

not to say all gays fuck around... but like... with the apps and all, it's not as hard as it used to be...

i didnt hold back in telling him a little extra about myself too... and with that i came out to him too... not a surprise to him it seems, i wonder why........lol

anyway....

just when i thought that he fully came out from the closet, the next news he told me send him straight back in to where he started...

he is infected.

shutting himself out from everyone... well, except his bf...

i was so curious.... does your bf know?

yes, but he refuse to leave me, he is the one kinda taking care of me now..

wow...

its been 2 years...

oh... wow....       are you on meds?

yea... it's my first week...

oh.... ok. huh, as in... your CD4 just only drop? i mean like usually treatment starts when your CD4 count drops below a certain level...? and if im not wrong, current guidelines recommend to commence treatment as soon as infection is detected no?

hm... yea.... but.... i wasn't ready... so yea....

2 years huh.....

hm.....

you know who you got it from?

erm.... nope...

wait... do you bottom much?

well, i tried once but i didnt enjoy it...

oh, i mean like usually bottoms are more prone according to survey...

hm....

like.... do you use protection...?

er........... ..... ...... ......


with that pause, i knew he never use it at all...


how did you found out at first anyway?

one day when my bf and i wanted to do it.. we started kissing and he went down... as he was going to give me a bj, he stopped and said that there were red dots all over my dick and asked me to go get checked just incase...

hm....

i went... ....and i had Syph and also HIV....

2 in 1 combo...

haha... yea....   syph was gone after antibiotics... but yea...  before that too i kept falling sick and i have shingles and stuffs... i didnt realize i was infected then...

and like your bf... is he?

no.... he is not...

and he sticks with you till now? o m g how long have you guys been together?

3 years..

ok... win liao... like these kinda bf is rare and extinct!

hmm... yea....

..... you guys.... still do it?

no...

o m g! 3 years, no sex?

yup....

i will die if i monk for 3 months... lol..


and with that, i have my first POZ friend! lol. not that im collecting types of friends or what. but like, i mean i do know friends that are POZ that doesn't know that i know, usually through gossips... but like this is a friend that tells me directly. so yea, that makes him my first.

sky was pouring...

the heavens are crying....

it was gloomy and so i suggested that we go for a karaoke session and sing all our sorrows away...

2 years of knowing and preparing himself to start on a lifelong decision, taking meds on time is crucial because even taking an hour late from the proposed time could help the virus gain resistance to the current meds... HIV meds will keep increasing in that manner... i know a patient who was taking 40 tablets a day to control his infection. thats like crazy a lot. and hiv tablets are fucking huge.

so.... any side effects from the meds ?

haha.... i was flying ....

lol... like what? like high?

yup... sometimes i couldnt even get up in the morning... lol .... i think i need to get a doctors letter saying that im on meds that could make me woozy in the morning... lol... dowan later my company thinks i ponteng....

hm... true true....

o m g! no wonder you're so thin!!!

= ="

i also wanna be thin!

i slap you!



be safe people, be safe...
tuls

Friday, March 11, 2016

coping....

just found out that a dear friend's mum had passed on...

i don't really know how you feel, and i wont even try to imagine. i do not dare to picture my mum leaving me. it won't be easy for you. it might take some time...... or it might take forever for you to be ok. i dont know what is going on in your mind. i dont know whether has it hit you yet.

sometimes we wish that we could turn back time. i know that this is the time that you would wish for that.

when my granddad left us, it didnt really hit me until a month later. then, my tears were flowing like a broken tap. i was trying to be strong, i was trying to be ok. i smiled and i laughed. i go on living day to day knowing that someone dear to me is gone. never to return. i can only imagine that this hits you 10x or maybe 100x harder than what i had gone through.

i'm here for you.

your bf is there for you.

your friends will try to be there for you if you need them.



i just hope you found a way to cope.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

still honeymooning...

hello bloggie. i am still at a tropical island having my morning breakfast with champagne :)

Carter's parents is coming to meet us as we speak. It is nice to spend time with the in laws. Not like we are married or anything. lol. I think this would be the third time going on a trip with Carter's parents. The nice part is his parents are cool, very open minded, very acceptive, easy going. I don't have to hide myself around them. I know im good with parents. lol. Maybe im just good with people in general *flip hair*...

but yea...

i just hope that this vacation doesnt end..

on the bright side we are going on a family trip with his parent next month again. lol. so yea, at least there is something to look forward to. some people hate when their in laws tag along in their vacation. lol. mine are a joy. and they laugh at my jokes! plus point! lol.

ok this is just a short updates. see you guys soon.

axe oh
tuls


Thursday, March 3, 2016

honeymoon again...

so tomorrow we will kick off the next leg of our honeymoon.... a two week long tour across 2 countries! can't wait...

i am so excited that i couldnt sleep now...

i just need to get through work tomorrow and then i will be off!!!

lube, checked!
clothes... yup
bath salts!
hair spray!
my car...
bottled waters... ok...
shoes...
money....
passport.. oh my... nearly forgotten....

blah... cant think already...

ok... bye bloggie, will see you shortly :)

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

embarrassed grandson...

i went to a different branch outlet to work today. the branch is located in a shopping mall. the shop was full of people when an elderly man walked in..

he was walking up and down looking and browsing... isle to isle, item to item.. with his squinting eyes, he slowly put what he needs into the basket provided..

then came a fine young gentleman, prim and proper, with a slim tie, approaching the old man...

"this is my grandson" the old man proclaimed with a stern voice, making sure those around him knows about it.

when he walked to the cashier, he told the cashier staff the same thing.

when he came up to me to get some advice, he said it again too.

over and over he repeated the same thing to a point where it was kinda annoying..


his grandson, unbothered, was going through some hair products at a side...


i was just observing..... and i wonder, why is he so proud of his grandson? is he the gem of the family? or is it some behavioural condition that made him keep repeating himself?

standing at his grandson's shoes, i wouldve been so embarrassed by my own grandpa keep telling everyone that im his grandson.. maybe not embarrassed... maybe just annoyed?

seeing this old man reminded me of my own grandpa, how he was when he was still here, coping with Alzheimers, i think he wouldve done the same thing too.. if he goes out with me and kept telling everyone that im his grandson, i don't think i will be annoyed, i think i will be proud, feel blessed. like hey, his memory is gone or weak but at least he still remembers me as his grandson!! lol... but yea...

i miss grandpa...

i wonder what is it like over the other side when one has passed...

hmm..

Wonderer
tuls

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

where am i?

i last blogged in August, and before that i did too, inconsistently throughout the year since i came back from abroad.

what happened?

nothing slutty of course.


i was trying to get myself adjusted with everything.

my house no longer belongs to just me and my mum. there are other tenants that are living here now. mum rented practically whatever she could just to get some side income while i was away. it turned out quite well now as it is.

the weather has been a bitch. i always had this eczema thing going on. the heat was always my enemy and would be permanently a problem for me in this country. but of course, it's just heat, there are always alternatives to cool the body down....

trying to get a job then. i still have debts from my schooling days. im really glad that my awesome loaner didn't really rush me to pay him back what i owe. and im really glad that i had finally paid all that Keith had lend me for my tuition fees back in uni where my funds was cut off cos my awesome dad decided to use it for something better than my education. blah.

socially...
i was fresh in the market in Malaysia after 3 years of absence... well i assumed i was fresh.. lol still fabulous plus 10kilos extra! lol... yea i gained it in the first few months i came back. haha. some liked it, some hated it, most of us got used to it. i became plus size. yay. lovely. trying to get back in shape. that's been a problem since rice is my best friend and here in Msia we practically have rice-y meals in every street of the country!


and so i brought jboy to explore marketplace, met SKP over there. such a small world, SKP is very interesting! to those who doesnt know him,  he is loud, but he is kind and has a hot bod. lol promo sial. good bf material! lol.... .....but yea, i felt so out of the game when i was there. 3 years older makes me feel like i lost touch and i lost my game and i feel like i don't fit in the scene anymore.

i slowly gathered my army and got reunited with once upon a time friends and bloggers. the GB gang is now quite awesome in my opinion! the GB gang consist of 5 bloggers from my golden era. We try to meet up and hang out as much as we could. Effort is important in every relationship. You won't get anything out of it if you don't put any effort in maintaining it.

i tried dating, downloaded grindr, tinder, it's just so strange now to think of what i did then.

i met people.

after coming out from four different awesome relationships, i have my expectations. i have my doubts.

lots of instant cross out in guys that i was looking for. some criterias were quite substantial, some were superficial.... ....for example a guy in his 30s but still doesnt own a car nor have a driver's license despite having a decent good paying job; or the guy that doesn't have an air conditioning unit in his 2 room apartment; some are just sexually incompatible; mostly aren't interested in relationships...

then i met.... Carter. :)

it feels like my broken life has fallen into place. everything that i was looking for in a partner, he has it. but everything that i wasnt looking for, he has it too :)

no one is perfect they say.

so for a relationship to work, we try to cherish the other's pros, and of course we need to learn how to adapt to his cons, everything is about balance and compromise.

Carter smokes. I hate guys who smokes. He knows that. Compromise is that he never smoke around me. When he does, he always uses the lighter to compass the direction of the wind and sat at the direction of the flow so that I won't be affected :) also, i think i got addicted to his hands after he has a fag or two. I'm so used to that scent after smoking that if we ever meet and he hasnt smoke, and if i sniff his hands which i always do, my face would change. lol. the WHY-HAVENT-YOU-SMOKE face. lol..

on my end. i fart. i love to fart. i don't know how he compromise it. i just assume he does. lol. im not saying that he should. lol. i don't want him to get used to my fart-ings. he just does. somehow he did. ok i feel like this part of me sucks. but i feel like that is like one of my worst thing about me. obvious ones. maybe my friends doesn't need to know, ok maybe you guys doesnt need to know. but like whatever. im human. i fart. and i love to tell. lol. if you wanna hear it please hang out with me and i shall whisper it to you, lol, more like bombard it at your face.

we officially got together at Langkawi, the honeymoon period started then and i dont think it ended yet.

Carter wants it to be different this time. It is really different for me as he works abroad. It seems like long distance relationship all over again but we both put in effort to not make it feel like it.

he would travel to meet me as often as he could, once or twice a month, some short trips, some long ones..

we would go to places that we've not been, new places, new memories for the both of us... we travel almost every month to somewhere new.. it's something i don't see myself doing if it wasnt for him.. living life to the fullest..

i love it when we did a road trip from KL to Ipoh and then Penang and to Perlis then cross the border over to Hatyai, drive all the way up to Songkhla and then up north to Samui island then cross over to the west to Krabi and extend to Phuket then back to KL passing through Trang :) it was the best time of my life so far. My tummy suffered from severe withdrawal from all those awesome Thai food after that. haha... but it was a helluva journey...

so here i am.. still juggling with my 9-6 job.. and also with my precious Carter... my mum... and my friends...

i was so occupied with living that my priorities shifted..

it was a good change for me..

it is really nice to read back old entries and that kinda inspired me to write back again.. and also because a certain few people did really want me to do so... but nobody can force someone to write.. haha..

but yea...

so... here i am..

new entries... new memories...

axe oh axe oh
tuls