im coming home...

thanks for those who commented in the last post, and to those who texted and called.. thanks thanks so much... my exam went great, to be honest i didnt really study for it for the past month, maybe cos I'm consistently doing it over the year. 

after that intense insomnia, i know if i dont do anything i wont get to sleep... and so i contacted a reader/friend who wanted to help me a few years ago when i first got here and was in deep shit... although he was busy at work but he terus bought me my flight tix home :) :) 

maybe i will need to sell buntut to bayar him back! hahahaha...

but anyway, at least that is settled.. so peeps, Im Coming Home soon..

work wise, I dont have a definite answer from my current employer yet but he contacted me last week and said that he wants me to apply for the position he is gonna post next week just for the visa formality, it states that they need to make sure there are no other local candidates could take up the place before they will consider foreign workers.. urgh.. stupid sohai visa thing...

i cant really argue so i will just apply for it la, he also got say that the chances of me getting it is very high and said that they already plan to hire me but just need to do this so that they can explain it to the immigration department if they ever ask...

its all verbal la but hopefully they mean what they say la.. im being optimistic but im not chucking all my hopes in it.. haha... actually i did...

so....

hopefully everything turns out good la..

if i get the job then i will be back for a few months then balik sini liao :)

since i moody i havent had sex.. :( thats so rare... i even rejected sex offers, thats like so not me LMAO! hahahahahahaha

i need to get my sexty back soon... lol

everything will be ok Tuls...

i've been rolling on my bed for hours now, this is the first time in my life i experience such thing..

the most i've rolled is about maximum half an hour but its been 3 hours now and I dont think I can sleep anytime soon...

my major final exam starts in 8 hours..

but thats not why I'm still wide awake..




so many things are just not right now..

i've called and texted my current employer several times but he did not reply. he told me not to worry about the job 2 months ago but now that I'm trying to contact him to clarify, he is not answering.

money from my dad never showed up, well, its been 2 years now. 2 years and I'm still paying my tuition fees with my own salary.

and because of that I've got not enough to get me my flight tix back home..



i'm so tired..




yes, i know nothing is easy in life and nothing always go the way we want... but I'm really tired..

i feel like I'm not really putting much effort into finding another job to stay here too, I will need to work on that after the exam if i really wanna stay, and cos this employer doesnt seem be much of a reliable person..



i feel so helpless and hopeless all of a sudden :(




no tears seems to come out..



its only a month left till my visa expires.. and if i really dont get a job then its goodbye UK and hello Malaysia?

hm...

well, there's nothing wrong in going back home but...

haha.. no buts Tuls, if its not yours, its not yours..



i just feel like finding a rich boyfriend and let him take care of me, i'll just be a good housewife...


i think im really qualified to be a housewife/maid.. i have a self proclaimed PhD in that field..

if there are any takers, please contact me asap...

i dont even have the sum ching to joke now... 

Russel and I: first date (part 2)

after dinner i took the courtesy to walk him back to his place as he lives just next to the train station which falls on the same line as the metro station where i live..

so this is me...

yea.... well, I'll probably get going too(pointing towards the metro)..

er.... well, do you wanna come up?

.....

.....

awkward....

well, you have deserts?

erm... i dont have much but i got ferrero rocher?

haha.. really? that'll do for me..

.... :)

but.....

well no but, come on...

you sure?

:)

and so i followed him up to his little apartment thing, we sat down on the sofa, he took the golden balls out from the cupboard, and i asked for a little milk to go with it..

we just chatted and talked over chocolate..

mind you its a two seater sofa so we were just sat next to each other, and somehow, im not sure whether im kinda "fat hiao"-ing or what but it started off with our legs touching each other, then i slowly kinda rest my legs on his a little, and we kinda sorta face each other while having our legs intertwined and just chatting... and then....

i think i cheekily looked at his lips from afar... and i think he saw that... and then i went up to him my lips were like an inch off his.. and then i just smiled and sat back down..  youre such a tease!

haha,..

i ended up kissing him for almost an hour after like.. we didnt go beyond that.. :) only kissing, but even so i guess it was quite a sudden thing, i mean, its our first date anyway.. but i guess we talked so much and kinda clicked at so many levels that we felt so comfortable with each other and kinda lost the whole no rushing into things scenario! lol.. well at least mine was breached! i used to have a no kissing with a stranger policy but.... oh well.. i dont know... maybe i was too dry... lol...

with him being a virgin he was really eager i can tell, and like there are times where i asked him to slow down! hahahahaha... virgins are the best, you can tell them what to do and they are more likely to take in what you want and will do as you like, well, thats what i think like... lol

but its good, there is the passion there, the drive is there, i kinda make sure that his junk is big enough and i think i made him so aroused he was so hard when we kissed and hehehe... lets just say i will be satisfied la if we were to have sex, LMAO well i dont really have a very high requirement of dick size anyway, the DRIVE is really important tho and you can easily tell that he is really into it.. hahahahaaha....  gangho virgin wohoooo....

it was almost 10pm and he walked me to the metro station and before i step into the train we kissed...

O

M

G

for the first time I PDA so openly omgosh......

and i was just all smiles....

people were staring but like i was too whatever to care.. haha..

and as i looked at him when the door closes, he gave me a wave goodbye and a courtesy bow -.-

who does that?

lol

such a dork!

such a cute dork omgosh! lmao!! make me smile even more..
haha...


oh so yea, that was kinda like the fast forward of our first date i guess..

:)

Russel and I: first date (part 1)

so after one day of texting, one day of voice clipping and one day of skyping we decided to meet up..

he was working on Monday while I had a day off, so we planned to meet after his shifts end..

and so i dress my best and like went to our meeting point 5 minutes earlier and there i saw him, walking out the bus... as tall as tiang, i guess first glance he was really taller than me but when i stood next to him in front of a mirror, nah.... same height! *flips hair*

to be honest, he looks so much better on skype.. LMAO!

me: oh my gosh, you look so much better on skype!

Russel: oh my gosh, youre such a bitch!

hahahaahah...  i think skype has like a flaw remover kinda thing..

oh my gosh.. youre so cruel!

hahahaha... just joking...

but yea, he exudes the aura of an anime hentai freak who wears cape and into those manga thing but nah.. haha.. he just has that kinda aura of those people you would see in an anime convention! lol.. 

his dressing is a bit non gay but that is fixable! LOL

and i think he is balding too.. but its ok, im balding too, so we will be bald bald together if we really end up together..

and i think i dont really like his front profile real life, his side profile looks so hot though, maybe i will just need to keep asking him to turn side ways! hahahahahaahha.... but after awhile see biase d then ok d..

so overall i think the fact is when you like that someone, flaws here and there are kinda negligible in a way.. as in you would see pass them.. i mean like, no one is perfect anyway, and who am i to judge? lololololll....

he is such an angmo that he never had japanese before and so i brought him to one..

have you tried japanese before?

well, im....not really a fish kinda person.. but its fine... i can try...

oh no bother, there are loads of food other than fish anyway...

oh really...

yea... well, dont worry about it..

and so we went in and sat down...

have you tried bubble tea before?

er.... what?

-.- ........... well, its basically flavoured drink with spongy pearls kinda thing beneath.. lol

well, no... i have not tried before..

omgosh, this is so cool, im gonna let you have so many first when youre with me!

and so i chose a taro yam milk tea with original pearls and it was DELISHhhh!! well, he loved it! so yea...

and guess what, cos there are bento boxes on promotion and so i ordered chicken teriyaki for him and salmon for me... lmao guess what!??? they had 2 salmon sashimi and 2 salmon sashimi maki in each bento lmao! i smiled at him and: well, im gonnna swap those fish with my cucumber maki!

lmao! hahahahaha.. more fish for me! im so so so so gonna bring him to makan bento all the time! that way i will have double the fish!! lmao hahahahaha...

and guess what? he beat me in using chopsticks...

im gonna try and use this...

-.- im asian and i dont even use this...

well, i dont care, im gonna use this...

well, you will only finish your meal in 2 hours if you do so!

-.- no im not!

hello, excuse me(nods at waitress), may i have 2 spoons please?YEand some pickled ginger, some wasabi and extra teriyaki sauce thanksS....

yes i know, i should let her finish but customer is always right! bluek!

and no he did not touch the spoon at all but i on the other hand used the spoon all the way...

wow, thats really impressive!! i will never get to do that! well, as in i could but i will be quite stressed and agitated when i cant get the rice up with chopsticks..

then he kembang..

whatever...

so, how do you like japanese? well, its not too bad! i really like the bubble tea tho, you sure you never had it before? yea... but i thought you like asians? yea, the boys.... -.- but usually i thought those who like asian boys would love asian food as well? youre assuming! maybe sooo....

and so we finished our meal.. 

to be continued...

unexpected exchange over grindr!!

i was having my usual lunch break on friday when i switched on grindr, moments later, a message popped up that goes like this:

i just joined grindr, and instantly your picture pops up, i just felt like i should let you know you look dashing in that outfit. hehe, you suit it, and the bow tie is really cute.

haha..

that really put a smile straight to my face.. and i felt that this is gonna be good and true enough i spent my whole afternoon juggling between work and talking to him..

conversation flow just so smoothly even if my work was in the way...

i couldnt take my hands of grindr.. well, my attention was solely towards that conversation and for the first time i did not even go back to see who else texted us there..

guess what, he is a virgin.

gosh! am i really such a virgin magnet?! seriously..

haha..

anyway, as we chatted on, we found so many similarities between us, this is the first time in a long time since i felt this way, we are of the same age, the same height, the same weight, same number of siblings and same # in terms of ranking, same values, same goals in relationships..

and we have our difference too, he is white who is attracted to asians, im the opposite, he could speak dutch italian french and a little german and tagalog and I could speak mandarin kantonese malay and a little korean and jap and tamil lol(perasan) but English unites us, we kinda say that he conquers the west while i rule the east! lol hahahaha....

he is such a breath of fresh air and is never ever totally not someone i would expect to find or talk to on grindr..

since then i have intention or the urge to talk to anyone else..

did i mention that he has long curly hair? like if i were to date him he would be my first ever guy with long hair!

he is fully out and is super super cute! and did i mention that he is 6'1? omgosh!! so hot!!!!

well i havent met him real life but as we chatted on in grindr, we kinda upgrade to whatsapp shortly and started to send voice clips, omgosh his accent is so so so so americanized! like a total american! did i mention that he is Belgian? hahahaha... he is so fair!! and im tan!! 

saturday morning we then upgraded to skype and since then we started skyping all day! hahaha.. i mean i went out in the noon for a meal and movie with other friends but after coming home we skyped thru the whole evening and till now...

im just so...

he is just so... wow.. i even told myself that if I would want to find someone like him in the future!

we clicked like at so many levels!!!

well, im obviously attracted to him!

and he is obviously the same!

and for him being a v and a noob i kinda go slow on him..

i wouldnt wanna do anything with him until i have a confirmation that i can stay here to work.. i dont want another heartbreak to happen 2 months down the line if things dont work out right..

hm..

i think this is the right time, like he came at the right time, like he would be another motivation for me to stay here and fight for what i want...

remember my criteria of boyfriend? well, guess what? he MET ALL OF THEM! LIKE ALL!!! OMGOSH!!!!!

really! TIAN AHHH......

im gonna go sleep now and have sweet dreams now! hahahaha...

i miss you guys alot! muacks...

i shall name him........ Russel because Brussels is the capital for belgium! So yea, Russel it is!

its ok if it didnt work out as long as you tried and gave your all...

my dad used to force me to eat fruits, which i clearly hate. He always say, try it! try it! if you don't like it spit it out! but nah, im not that adventurous, if i think its disgusting i wont even try it.

but this is a total different topic of trying! lol.. i dont even know why i wrote the above paragraph! lol..

anyway, lil Tom Tom and I are officially just FRIENDS now..

nothing more. nothing less.

we are sexually compatible but sexual-drively not. His sex drive is not as high as mine and I thought: "ok, fine, it's just sex, sex does not define a relationship". I was so wrong. Well maybe if im 82 and dying, i might ignore the sex and just go on with life but at the age of 24 and not having sex for months is just too much for me..

haha..

i know, i feel like a horrible person to say this..

we have the right moment, the right opportunity and everything, but he just does not want it.

Splantz said to me that: Two person's sex drive must be compatible cos if not one will be begging for it. 

and begging seems like the condition that I would be in and it almost drive me nuts..

We talked about it several times before this and I thought to myself its only sex, its fine, its only sex, you love him, sex does not matter..

it does, apparently.

maybe its just me, i dont know.

but after this, i will find someone with the right sex drive to be with even if i have to sleep with them first before going in deeper into a relationship, cos my first ex, bubu, keith, the drive is just there! and i dont need to do anything, maybe lil Tom Tom is just inexperienced and is not that keen.. i dont know, i dont know what is on his mind, i dont know what he wants, we tried talking about it but he doesnt want to tell...

so that was it...

a close friend said it was karma for me cos im a crazy sex person all my life and now sexless for months...

another friend then explain wtf is karma and said the previous friend is wrong in terms of calling it karma..

crazy friends i have, i know, and they are reading this now! lol..

anyway breaking up is not easy, and is not like we are officially together anyway but... i was quite clear of my intentions and we both were quite down and that moment, i never liked parting with people i love, like keith, and bubu, both whom i still love dearly... 

hm....

well, its the end of a chapter, turn over a new dildo and start afresh! lol...

with bubu my blog just bloom with ideas and posts... i think the more i post means the bettter the mood that im in... and i think that is quite a direct reflection in a way which i just realized...

i need that spark back...

and i think since im single and available now, i shallll retrieve my T U L S title back and roam the streets of UK! 

muahahahahahaha....

new boyfriend applicants please apply within, submit your harRESUME(harrass me) to the email on the top right column! :)

xoxo

another set of mens for you!

do not run away from problems...

i realize something today..

i stumbled upon a significant problem.. the problem has a two solutions. One is simple and straight forward while the other requires more of a fix..

lets give an example of a luxury watch..

you have that luxury watch for just a few months but the mechanism of the watch is knackered in a way. with all the riches you have you can easily replace and get a new watch. although that seems to be an easy option why dont we try fixing it before getting a new one?

well some of you may argue or come up with several other solutions but the problem of my case is no luxury watch but just of an example..

ive made the same mistakes a few times... so its now time to try and fix it rather than to take the easy way out..

only if its beyond repair will i replace it but... we shall just give it some time and hopefully it will bear fruits that no tree could grow, although it seems a little farfetch or exaggerated but we human always hope for the very best and stay optimistic although sometimes chances of what it should be is really slim...

life is a funny...

anyhow i shall present you with the next set of mens from London :)

i am a burden for you...

everyone will definitely feel this at one point in their life.. 

be it money issues, health issues, self confidence issues, being closeted etc..

in a relationship,

when you are down with financial problems, you will feel that you are burdening your other half if he or she needs to fork out money to buy you dinner or lunch, take you on a holiday that he or she wants to go.. or just day to day daily expenses.. 

same as health conditions, you feel that you will kinda burden the other partner in a way where his or her life will be obstructed in a way that needs to accommodate yours...

if you dont have a bf yet, you will be determined not to start a relationship..

if you are dating, you will be determined not to go any deeper..

the thing is.. what if the other person really loves you?

when it comes to love, sometimes little things like these doesnt really matter..

yes you may say that when we are in love we dont really think straight(if you are gay youre not even straight in the first place)...

put that aside,

what if he is the one for you, and what if suddenly somehow that "burden" is somehow resolved and somehow you lose a chance to be with him... thats just ridiculously stupid isnt it?

try putting yourself in the other person's shoes and think..

what if you are the one who is dating a person who suddenly have a "burden" in his life...

what are you gonna do? how would you feel if he pushes you away...

what if he pushes you away without giving an explanation?

life is never like the movies where the main characters kinda reveal the "burden" or the burden was revealed by some friend and they both found out they love each other blablabla.... happily ever after... nah..

most of the time, those burden are kept secret and life goes on....

so ... all these burden, are them all yours to bear?

did you ask for it?

the answer is NO..

if there is someone that is willing to go through the path of difficulties with you with their level best with no regrets and complain, why not let them try... there wont be any harm to him or you...

yes some required a lil more sacrifice than the rest but.. thats just life...

nothing is easy in life..

you only live once...

grab the opportunity when it is presented to you...

to those who are still reading till now, I love you a lot.. and there are people out there that loves you to if you let them..

always remember, you are not a burden..

Easter update...

fuck this..

ive been thinking too much...

too much thinking but no action... i dont know la.. i dont know how am i feeling or what i am doing now..

things with little Tom is just, well, we are just "friends".. haha... Niey loves to tease me with that quote.. damn benci.. haha...

on a brighter note, i had a good week off in London and thanks to Bear for being such a good host and friend!!!

its the easter weekend and i have both Friday and Monday off. its two of the eight paid public holidays in the UK. yes, we have only 8 public holidays in the whole freaking year! unlike malaysia, they have like what, 30? 40? lol....

my current company's area manager asked me regarding my visa situation and asked me on what they need to do if they wanna hire me.. im just keeping my fingers crossed and i need to try to make things work with ...

hm...

i dont know la..

life is just quite simple, why am i complicating it further?

i think i stress for no apparent reason and my pimples are sprouting... lol.. the chinese say if you still have pimples means you are still young! -.-

young my ass i rather be old than to have any blemishes!! urgh!!!! ass!!

haha...

im playing Kelly Clarkson's playlist on skype for the past week now.. dont know la... all her songs seems so boomz.. even those that are not aired...

well i better get some sleep, new episode of Game of Thrones is out tomorrow! cant wait to see my favourite duo Arya and the Hound in action! 

oh yea, pics of guys i took in London, let me post them up! :)

i did put some of them on instagram but all thumbnails only! more to come! :)

i cried....

after few months...

it came down again..

haha.. the last time was cos of keith...

i feel like im some intermittent crying machine now.. lol ...



tomorrow marks the start of my first ever holiday after working since august..

i think all those bottled emotions were kinda let out when Bear said that he is gonna pick me up and bring me go makan...

haha...

i feel like i havent seen any familiar faces for so long liao and so its like withdrawal...

i cried for joy in a way...


but also..



kinda talked to my big boss today and asked him about future jobs within the company and he said that there are currently no positions available...

well i kinda expect that already...

i dont know la...

sometimes i feel like giving up and just go home.. but.... little Tom......

tuls o tuls......


why stress so much..

hm....

i hope this week will kinda ease my mood out for me la...

cant wait to meeeeet Bear !! lalalalala...

am i like TULS real life?

dont get me wrong, most of the things i write here is true..

maybe the only difference would be ... er... well, people say my voice doesnt match my face all the time, im portrayed as very childish character and that doesnt really reflect me in person.. when people get to know my profession they go:

really? you dont look that at all...

er... then what do you think i do?

well, law or something....er......i mean since you talk so much... hahahahahahah LOLLLL



its really hard to pen down emotions and facial expressions and body languages... so sometimes what you see is what you get and perceiving my writing through this blog only gives out the childish vibe.. hahaha.. well most of the time i guess, and from feedbacks i get from readers..

i mean, first of all i hate to read, like seriously, i never read in my life.. like ive never read a whole book before,  the only thing i do read are medical journals and gossip mags(rarely).. hahahaha...

i mean i think that explains my grammar, my grammar suck big time and not to mention my vocab is limited, sometimes i really do envy people with bombastic vocab, some people think that makes them se?xy but to me if that person uses too much then its very turn off one, i mean conversation wise la, if its in writing i think the more you write it shows your knowledge and proficiency in the language lor and i think its quite hot la => bedtimestoriesSAVANTE im talking bout you!! lol

i like how lucifer writes his stories at times too but too bad he stopped writing for over 2 years now... i wonder why... work ba? being a doctor is not easy huh.... those who knows lucifer will be like: OMG LUCIFER TULS is exposing your profession in his blog!!! well, no, its in his profile and his intro anyway so im not exposing anything and moreover there are so many gay doctors anyway!!! lol.. and talking about lucifer.... aww.. he is so cute, i miss him so much!!!!! haha...

anyway... was talking to a reader one day and...

me: hey, so what do you usually wear to work anyway?(my intention was to ask what kind of clothes)

a reader: err, im not as atas as you la... i dont wear branded one...

err....... huh? why do you even think that?

from your blog lo...

from my blog can know meh?

got that feel lor...



hahahahahaha... like that also can... i can honestly tell everyone here that the TULS in person is definitely at least 50%* different from what you think I AM in real life! lol... so dont put your hopes too high if you are meeting me.. well, ive met 4 readers in the UK so far and all of them(im not sure whether they are disappointed or not but so far macam ok la) say the same thing, im tamer in real life, laugh a lot, down to earth(yay) and very nice to talk to! :)  .. 1 more next week, so mister reader, please be prepared.. haha..

muacks

xoxo

*terms and condition apply, percentage may vary depending on geographical factors

Dear tuls, do bloggers have sex with each other?

and so i receive a question from a reader, well, naively i assume...

Do bloggers sleep with each other?

all i can say is NO?

im saying NO because i assume no? or maybe I'm jealous that I wasnt invited for a blogger orgy? lol..

jokes aside, bloggers are humans too, and most bloggers know each other anyway and they hang out sometimes as friends, have a meal, have a drink, go clubs and stuffs... if they click well, they might get together, i know a few blogger couples that got together through blogs..

what they decide to do(sex or not) is solely up to them, as far as I know, well my circle of blogger friends, THEY DONT SLEEP TOGETHER ! lol

so what if they do? hahahaha... who cares?

those who do care are the ones that are jealous!!

when i was with bubu, we met quite a lot of bloggers as a couple and we DID NOT have sex with any of them lol... well, there is nothing to prove, i dont even know why am I saying this... hhahaha...

i think im the hottest blogger around *fliphair* and so if im not getting laid with other bloggers i assume they dont too? lol... joking joking... hahahahaha... there was a saying that bloggers are people who are weird and have got no life, well im a living proof of the opposite! Im Hot, Awesome and Full of Drama.. with no sex... lol..

bloggers are the best people you want/can meet in life! I'm gonna head down to London for a week next week. If anyone wants to have a meet and greet with the famous legendary superawesomeperasan tuls, just email us and I'll get back to you in a jiffy!!

oh btw, bloggers that i think(some i dont even know them or meet them but just a fantasy about them) is hot are.... in no particular order:

1. Alex the gay
2. bubu
3. V underhisbed
4. Simonlover
5. Adlexus
6. Chineseprick
7. ChenXing
8. Mark for travis's eyes
9. Malimo
10. me

bloggers that i think is cute are:

1. shadowjung
2. bunny clean shaved lol
3. bear clean shaved lol
4. untoldstories
5. K
6. kiddystick
7. jboy
8. me

hahahaha,, i put me in both list for fun.. hahahahaha.. that show how full of shit i am about myself.. hahahaha... those who didnt make the list dont worry ok, this list is subjective and bias anyway.. its a in my opinion kinda list so anyway.. 

gooooood nights peeeeps!!

and we dont have sex with each other!!!


those who laugh and think otherwise please email me !!! tell me all the juicy interblogger sexscandal please!!!! thanks!!!!!

what was i even thinking??

was talking to a friend and...

what makes you wanna take a time out anyway?

err.. i dont know.. maybe like kinda like let him think things through and stuffs...

errr.. you know time out is like when you wanna date someone else kinda thing right when youre in a relationship?

er.... really arr.. ?? i mean... well.. i didnt know that...

yala!! and i was like i know you dont need that thats why i was like thinking why are you taking timeout!

hm... ....





ive been staring at skype all night and him being online isnt helping at all..

well, taking time out doesnt mean dont talk...

er.... really arr?

*facepalm*

how would i know wor........ ......er.. so should i say hi?

YES!!!

ok so here goes nothing..... *type: Heya*



little Tom replied straight away: hey....

you ok?

yea... you?

uh huh....

uni tomorrow?

yea....

well.. have fun then..

silly...

err.. who?

you...

why me?

*skype ring*




at last!

he called!!!


and my mood from moody sohai bitch mood became omgosh im on cloud 9 mood!


both of us felt stupid for not talking to each other knowing that we are just literally there online ...

i missed him a lot... and so did he...

haha....


no more time OUT!!

one whole day not talking macam 1 whole week tak cakap omgosh.... lol....

im fine now...

ok... its 2am...

needs to zzzzzz.....

fight for your love...

its something i think really important..

not a lesson of the day thing but maybe a lifetime..

as much as you fight for it, you cant make a sound with just one hand.. if the other person doesnt fight for it, then nothing its gonna happen...

one day and im already feeling uneasy..

seeing him online on skype makes my hands itchy..

seeing him on facebook with his status online is unbearable..

its like sitting in a room but not talk..




6 more days to go... i will survive.. its like singlehood all over again! yay......not.

if you love him let him go..

we didnt argue..

nothing happen...

its just that the silly boy is very indecisive with his thought and he think he is troubling me... by not giving me definite answers...



the cliche thing we always say is: its me, not you...

this time its not..

this time its him and not me.. haha...

i asked for a time out.. i told him to think it through.. i mean after all he is still young, well, younger than me by a couple of months but everyone knows im like some 400 year old vampire so... whatever la...

ive known people who take a month off kinda thing, that sounds like a break up to me lol, but the thing is we are never together anyway so there isnt a break to happen...



if he is mine, he will come back to me..

if he is not then.... not lor.. i will be fine in the end..

haha..

its only for a week..

so.... its not so bad..

so we shall see, i really wanna know what happens after a week..

cant wait !!

everybardy lesss kip hour thingers crust!!!! keep our fingers crossed! lol hahahaha...

Dear tuls,...

Dear tuls,

How are you? I write to seek your advice in how you survive in this industry in UK? I have been using the app to search for friends and all, but most of the time, I ended up getting rejected. Is it because I am an Asian? I am a Chinese by the way. Any kind words? :(

Thank you,
Zodiac

i wrote an essay in reply to his question, haha, not sure whether was he shocked or not but basically the following are kinda the points I covered:

1. There are 3 types of white guys around here
- asian lovers
- asian haters
- neutral

there arent much rice queens in UK, well, at least not that i know of.. ive known people who likes asians as they grow older.. haha.. not to generalize but lots of asian lovers are old men... lol.. i dont know how the age and race kinda have a relation in a way but thats just my observation ba..

lets put asian lovers age below 30 : above 30 approximately 1 : 7 ish i guess. hahahaa.. thats my assumption.. im not gonna elaborate further but yea...

2. I touched on the APP

when he say App i assume he means Grindr Jackd Hornet Scruff BoyAHoy etc and it all boils down to one word! SEX! hahahahaha

well dont get me wrong, i met my bubu from Axcest, a gay "dating" website thing with no deep description of each other but just enough for us to meet up and the rest was history.. i mean the possibilty is there but to find someone who doesnt want to get into your pant whether the front or back is kinda difficult.. haha.. at least not on those apps..

when he said getting rejected, i kinda asked him in what sense, later that he said that rejected before even meeting up or something, i mean there you go, prove my point, personal preference, some people just dont really like asians, not for sex, not for friends, nothing! i mean if you have to work with one then that one you cant really do much but some people just dont really like us? lol hahahahaha....

in the end i think i kinda just told him to go slow and dont rush into things...

got no friends then make blogger friends lor.. go contact all the BLOGGGERS in the world.. im sure they will be glad to make a new friend! haha.. unless the quota sudah FULLLLLL! lol..




its nice to know that there are readers in the UK that came from home.. haha.. it make you feel like the world is so small kinda thing! :)

this is my second dear tuls.. so cool la... i want lots and lots of dear tuls!! lalalalala....

im having an exam this thursday! everyone pray for me to pass k.. any God also can... i dont mind one.. hahahahahaha...

xo

i'm an addict... and it killed me inside out...

i didnt know it could be that bad..

i thought it was normal.. i thought it was ok...

but it got worse...



for the past month i was constantly tired and weak... during the day, at work, back from work and night... practically i was feeling that way the whole time..

it started off as a routine.. but it got worse..

i wasnt focused, i wasnt doing anything beneficial, i was really wasting a lot of time, and a lot of energy.. i even fall sick at one point...

i only spend 4 hours to sleep each night where it could have been twice the amount...

yesterday was the worst, i didnt sleep at all...

when i finish and wants to sleep the sun is already hanging up high and i just realize ive got an appointment that morning...

my heart was aching from all those hours of not sleeping, my face looks like crap, my body went out of shape, my eyes looks terrible...

basically im a wreck...

i can control it, i can avoid it.. but im addicted to it..


when the night finally kick in, i slept a good whole 10 hours...

today im feeling so so good, my eyes were not shutting at all when i was at work, im not yawning, i feel so spirited, so energetic, i feel so alive...

i feel like a whole new person...






but the time of night is here again...

its is now..

9.20pm..

my hand is going down into my pants...

but my mind says you better not touch it or else you will regret it...


masturbation is good for you...

do it excessively and you will waste all your time on it..

i edge for 7 hours on sunday morning and the outcome was good, the splash was good, i gave it a score of 12/10....

i lost all my sleep..

i lost my time..

i lost my life...

i have no energy...

no mood..

and no everything... .....not even a morning erection..



i hope i can overcome this...

no one can help me but myself...

young and cute chinese new year..

this year's cny i spent it all alone, well, at least for the first day...

it was as usual a working friday but i took the day off and just sleep...

woke up made lunch and study... lol of all thing study? yup.... mentah mentah Monday got some small scale exam thing..

anyway.. just realize its February already!!! February is also the young and cute month for the blog! lol.. to be honest i totally forgotten the reason of why Young and Cute February was started at first.. i forgotten what ignite the fire in me to do that last year(or was it the year before).. im known to forget stuffs.. hahaha.. memory is my weakest link i guess... anyway, and so i asked my fellow good blogger brother buddy friend brother and to my horror i totallly forgotten such incident happened then!! lol...

anyway, to cut things short, im not having YnC month this year... BECAUSE IM FOREVER YOUNG AND CUTE SO 2014 iS YOUNG AND CUTE YEAR WOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

bitch TAKE THAT!!

i think i siao...

TODAY is gonna be awesome!

TOmorrow is also GONNA BE AWESOME!!

my tummy will also be awesome!! :)

i just realize i didnt call home to wish new year..

haha.......

they must be thinking im such an unfilial kid...

hm....


whatever la, as long as i know myself cukup la kan, tak yah prove anything to anyone...


im so tired..

im so sleepy....

im not making sense now......

im loving my new haircut!!!

i neeeed to sleep...

good night.

im bottom but im not bottom? lol

so this conversation happen over whatsapp one afternoon with a friend from Maraysia..

him: few days ago, i pushed a guy to a wall, hold his waist and kissed HIM!!! so not botttttom!

me: errrr... i know you top(in real life i think he bottom) ma, long long time also i know liao one... lol... bottom also can do that one ma.. must be top only can do meh?!

what?? serious?!?!? .... lol... the guy is so like you, i should call him tuls version 2.0..

lmao...

he diva style, tanned, very angmo speaking, english very booomz... i told him im bottom but he doesnt believe it after i did that...

-.- hahahaha.. like me ma, im only bottom in bed, real life i like to think that im the one who takes care of the other half..

but you got hiao bottom look...

what the fuck? got ahhhh?! how how how? what do you mean?

very fabulous, diva look..

hhahahahahah... lol...

really... like you will say it very mean like that, like talk to the hand!!! you born as diva *snap finger like diva*

omg, if i diva then bubu is what?

fyi, this is a friend of the bubu era..

erm.... but i dont feel power diva from him la...

OMG!! REALLLY??!?!?!

hahahaha... 

i think he act differently in different crowds ba.. when im comfortable with someone my true colours will appear one...

i seee.... ....you always fabulous and diva...

-.- LOL THANKS THANKS...

very style k!


anyways, i feel like there is always two side to a person, like when you meet someone new, you will put your best front to it and try to generate a good first impression and when you finally get to know that person well enough the true you will surface in a way?

well, some people we just tend to click straight away and no good first impression is needed?! lol

like when i was with bubu, he is usually the macho one around my friends and vice versa... and so because this friend is kinda considered "my" friend... and so i think thats how i appear more "comfortable" as how i would say around him... but eventually all my friends are his friends and vice versa, haha.. i wonder what does the friends whom we meet as a couple thinks about us.. lol.. that I AM CURIOUS! :) hahaha...

speaking of which, to think about it, it would have been our 4th year anniversary if we were still together :) come everybody, please go awwwwwwww... lol.. couples that we met that are still together till date that i can think of and hopefully still together i.e. Bear bunny, alex and rapunzel, i wish you guys all the happiness you can get from each other :) so envious la.... eeeee.... hahahahaha... it will be so different if i were to return to maraysia and meet up with friends in the bubu-and-i-era without him... like a part of the whole joy is missing.. haha.. maybe thats one of the reason why i dowana go back to maraysia... its like... ..... the feeling is gonna be so different...

i can imagine how bubu felt when he passed places that we used to go which is like the whole of PJ and KL... hm.... it must have been really really tough for him when we i first left overseas...

i still do think of you every now and then bu..

yes you will always be a part of me and so will keith..

i remember(i think i remember la k, i got amnesia one): letting go is not your strongest quality but ...(something something positive people say to make you feel better)....

lol...

im just happy and content to experience what i had... haha..

little tom tom... valentines day coming liao... what should i do what should i do?!?!? ARGHASHLAFHALKFALKHAKGAH;SLFJA;LJA

uncertainties....

for a person living with cancer, he could die tomorrow...

for a person living with HIV, he could die in 20 years....

for a healthy person like me, i might not die....




well, at least not that soon..


LOL


*i did not take into account of freak accidents, natural disasters, supernova, tsunami, may13, 911 etc into the above statement k, just general nia...




when we are occupied with something, we tend to shut everything out..

when we are free, the brain will find something else to stress about...

a person who is infected with HIV, everything become a stress around him, his life is a stress, every decision that he is making will be a stress..

a person who has cancer, surviving each day is a stress, to think he is gonna make it through another day is a stress...

i feel like recently i have been stressing over stuffs that are quite unnecessary  ... i keep thinking about all those "what if" where i could have just ignore for the time being and enjoy myself...

what if i cant stay...

what if i cant find a job...

what if i need to go back...

what if this

what if that...

im starting to think about trying to stay and be as close as possible to Tom if i could..



lucky for me i have Niey to remind me that as long as i can stay back in the UK, distance could be compromised and things could be worked out between Tom and I, if no stay means no talk, which I find it absolutely true but i just didnt realize like at all...

i mean, im starting to think of ways to stay and try to bunk my CV up and like hopefully get a sponsor and a job so i could stay...




then suddenly i dont know what happen or who happen or was is Niey or who kinda trigger my brain and make me feel like why am I trying so hard to stay in Newcastle where I can try venturing into other parts of the UK...

i mean, the only reason why I'm thinking this way is because of Tom cos he is based around here for now..

i mean, why am I limiting myself?



then i feel like, I'm prioritizing him more than my own.. which is...erm.. im not sure whether is it a good thing or not la.. but anyway....

I kinda have a feeling like I dont care where I'm gonna end up, I will find a fucking way to stay be it working some deserted(nah, im a city boy man!!!) area or far away from Newcastle or whatever, as long as i can stay in the UK...

suddenly I feel like if i take Tom off the picture, things would be easier...



but whatever it is.... Im gonna work my way to stay here, and of course preferably near Tom, if it happens then good, if not, then..... hopefully Tom and I will try to work things out...

if distance is really a thing that divides us, then maybe finding someone new near where I permanently work(in the future) would be a good option... not to say im giving up on Tom, just saying so that my mind is not clouded by the thought of TOM TOM TOM TOM all the time.. haha..

as much as i like him and want to be with him, if he really likes me, there will be some level of compromisation(not a real word,hahahahaahah), maybe he will work his way to be near where i work in the future? haha... well, thats something im really looking forward to, as in to see what he feels about it... for now, he still has his wall up, mine is half way hanging...

.....


....


and stressing over this seems so trivial...

i quote my first boyfriend(one of the reason we broke of is cos of this sentence lol): i have a whole line of guys waiting to date me....(in my case, back in malaysia etc)

so if UK is not my playground, i can always go back(trying to comfort myself) and venture out from scratch...

haha...

tuls oh tuls...