??dating a younger guy be good for me? lolll

ok, even typing that line makes me feel old..

well, i can just imagine in 10 years time, if im still single(CHOYYYYYYYYYY), I'll be like some dirty uncle like that going for younger guys... no no no ! tidakkkkkkkkkk!! hahahaha...

so, this boy that i kissed, well..

so funny la... i was being all "friend zone" with him and like i think he cannot tahan edi and so he sent me this..

i'll be honest with you. cos im not the type of guy to lie, especially to the people i like :) (you) I'm not out to anyone! i dont want to come out! therefore it would be hard for me to have a relationship! if i got with you how could i explain to my friends how we became "friends". i would love to give it a try but it would be hard to be with you then if i was seen with you when i was out by friends and will act like i dont know you. im in a hard place right now. do you understand my problem

lol..

thats what he say la..

that boy... lol... is memang friend zone one la.. no hope! lol..

well he is a virgin(benefit of doubt la ok), so basically he would be curious and exploration capacity is really huge.. people like him with so much hidden inner energy that is ready to explode cant really be tied down one, in my opinion one la.. cos if no control, can easily sway off course..

well, im also still young la... *flips hair*... maybe i should direct those words to myself jugak... LOLLLLLL!! if only i was a virgin.. hahahahaha...

anyway, i explain the whole moral of the story thing to him and friend zone him for now lor.. hehe.. but we constantly message each other la.. so.. yalor.. haha..

i kissed a boy... and i liked it? lol

well, he is 2 years younger, coincidentally driving pass my area and asked whether i wanna chat..

me after work, i showered and ready to sleep so i thought, why not kan.. haha..

so he drove to my doorstep and i went into his car and just chatted for half an hour..

it was a good chat... so before i left his car, he was like took his hand out and indicated a hand shake and i was like the v.- expression like wHHat..... kinda thing and then shook his hand and then he was like..

or you want a kiss instead?

errr.....

and so i tried la...

he has really soft full lips to kiss and i was like wow.. it was three kisses and i told myself its enough cos if not i wont stop liao...

and then.. i left with a smile... as i was going in to my rumah he called out for me..

tuls...

yea? i left something in the car?

ya...

what is it? *walking to his window*

hahahahaha... we kissed for a few more omgosh in front of my house...

but it was nice la..

the chances of me dating a younger guy is really minimal but... haha.. who knows... it feels like he is too young for me kinda thing.. so yup....

too trivial to matter...

its the end of october liao... hm... dad should be sending money over early November, now im kinda gan chiong.. haha... if he delivers, ok la.. but if not....... jeng jeng jeng...

my takeaway place is closing for 3 weeks means im gonna be jobless for 3 weeks and now i have less than 100 pounds left... wooooooooooo.... scary nyer......... have to berjimat la..

the timothy thing, im putting it aside liao.. haha.. dating stuffs are so sien now i dont even wanna think..

haha.. im really tired of looking.... the feeling is like having a permanent erectile dysfunction... haha..

im gonna put that aside la.. compare the two things make the dating thing so trivial..

on the other hand, everyone has been asking me: tuls, any christmas plans? .....i will just smile and say no each time..

oh well... ive had enough for now la.. i think.. hm.. i think im gonna go find a job over winter break la.. just as long as the snow is not that terrible, i think i can manage one ba.. hm...

a rainbow can appear even in the gloomiest day, im just hoping for the best la.. its been below 5 degrees constantly now.. the cold brings out the most fragile side of me.. haha.. drama much.. lol..

date? what date?

maybe im cursed...(i dont really believe, this one dramatic a bit)..

maybe im just destined to not date.. haha...

cos 9/10 of my dates never come.. postponed.. or cancelled...

so what is it this time?

well, yesterday he was busy making dinner for his friends and, ok fine, we move it to today then...

and then today he is too tired.. and also has to prepare for exams..

ok lu.. i believe...

well, masters student ma.. what to do.. :) not benefit of doubt or whatever la.. me no care anymore.. sien..

good also la..

haha..

oh well...

anyway, last night it snowed wor apparently when i was sleeping.. and when i woke up.. its already over..

oh well...

there you can see a layer of snowish thing stuck on the wiper of the car.. snow during the start of autumn wor, apocalypse soon kan? lolllll...

whose car?

well, lets just say last night after i was rejected the date, i was super horny that i have got plan B? lol...

xoxo

so im waiting for his call...

apparently he texted and said that he will call me shortly and that was half an hour ago..

hm...

he doesnt text me, he replies very very slow...

quite tak pandai jaga hati orang lain..

or maybe thats their culture?

or is it just him...?

or maybe he is just busy.... lol...

im doing my stupid report now.. damn sien...

grindr jeng jeng jeng...

so i was kinda sien with grindr cos everyone on there are those you see there everyday.. so i deleted it last week, using this Timothy as an excuse to delete jugak la.. it wastes lots of my time there dulu before this so its a good thing anyway..

but when that timothy is so unresponsive over text, i thought of seeing what happens over there in grindr and so what happen was i redownload it, and within seconds my profile was up again.. and so ngam he was online, and now even worse cos his body seminaked is up there display to the public.... ooo... show off... he aint my bf so whatever..

but i was just wondering will he reply if i text him there.. and so i tried...

heya stranger...

after an hour..

haha...

have fun talking to other guys here since there are so many near you anyway.. good night..

im just hanging about, its not what you think, dont think so much..

after that i didnt really bother to reply liao... then he text me on my phone once and thats it..

people is too busy to "study" but got time to change profile pic in grindr... right...  thats really a good way of prioritizing huh...

its not what i think, ask me not to think so much? how to not think wor... lol...

whatever...

urgh...

i dont know la.. stupid stupid things make me irritated.. haha... now i think back i still can laugh.. haih.. whatever la.. im not gonna ask about the date la... if he wants it then he will approach kan?...

*bite upper lips*

*deletes grindr*

date still on this week?

so timothy went for the Jolin Tsai concert and then came back the next day from London, but.. haha... i didnt even receive one message when he was in London.. and then i look at what i sent to him and all those 5 messages look so wu liao because it wasnt replied at all...

fine.. the next day i try to jual mahal...

lol.. but cannot tahan la so at night before i sleep i just text him la: sleeping already?

then he replied with: sorry, im too tired to talk to you tonight, about to sleep now...

and thats it.. haha..

then tues and today we exchange small messages during the night and then only i know that he finishes his class at 7pm most of the days..

so ok lor.. busy man/boy... whatever... lol..

one thing i realize or if you havent notice is that he isnt the type who likes to text, hm.. haha.... so hopefully he is a more "hands on" person! lol... different culture la maybe, malaysians are just too attached to their phones edi i think...

so now im not gonna put any hope of getting any replies after sending one..

but...        ................

and.......

now i dont even know whether the date is still on or not.. haha...

he hasnt talk anything about it..

and takkan i just ask him like that meh?

so weird la.. later is like tepuk sebelah tangan like that...

urgh... dont know la...

on the way back from class...

horrible english...

like seriously, ive got my presentation thing today.. well today's session, 5 groups were randomly chose to present their shit and mine wasnt picked so it will be done next week..

anyways..

there is a malaysian group out of the 5 and when they start opening their mouth, omgosh i feel like dying like seriously..

the impressive "vocab" is not a problem but when it is overused and been plurified omgosh!! cans yous imagines everythings is addeds withs ans "S"!! likes totallys!!

i feel like dying that instant, feel like chopping off my ears or finds some hole to stuck my head in, cos if i feel super annoyed, irritated and shit i can imagine the lecturer who is gonna listen everything and mark you... omgosh.. i think they can go jump sea too..

its just too disastrous.. lol .. not to say my english boomz or what, but like you can use basic english and talk slowly to please my ears? omgosh.. ok la.. dont have to please ma la but... arghhhh... hahha...

anyway... there is no news to update you about timothy cos... he MIA.. haha.. not a good thing but whatever la.. im too tired to care...

im having my FYP meeting later then class all the way till 12am malaysian time...

sien...

and then the Badak... he haha... he was talking to me about Butterfly for the past 2 hours..

i have fucking no idea what is butterfly and he still doesnt want to tell me...

lack of sleep lack of sleep........... zzzzzzzzzzzz........................

my final year project on some anticancer drugs damn damn sien for now cos baru start.. must write proposal all this and that... sien...

Timothy is addicted to Malaysian food..

like seriously...

heya I just finished shopping, now bringing my friend to have some malaysian food where we ate yesterday...

hahahahaha... really?

yea... can you please tell me what we ordered yesterday?

um ok no bother i will just text you la...

ok! :) thanks... 

er....i want the soup, the beef and the bihun...

okok.. will text you later... 

so after texted and all.. he called me after dinner..

i tried something new today and it is really nice!!

what was it?

the soup has bihun in it, it was marvelous!

oh.. hahahaha.. ok....=.=(i did not ask him was it done by mistake or was it intentional la but.. hahaha.. as long as he likes it...)

glad that you like it...

yea.. my friend wants to tell you something...

terima kasih...

oh wow!!!! youre welcome! hahahaha....

so thats today... apparently he is going for the Jolin Tsai concert in London tomorrow... oh well.. good for him.. i will rot in my house here.... haha.. and also work tomorrow night.. sien... *chant: i need money i need money i need money* ok ok.. work work work... lol...

the date went well... :)

i woke up feeling tired cos i needed to go to the lab for my final year project which i dread so much cos i needed my beauty sleep for the date in the evening.. lol..

so i dragged myself out of bed, went down made 2 sugar butter toast, had a cuppa chek hup 3in1 coffee and one karipap and off i went to the lab.. and the lab was empty when i was there, it was supposed to be a project day on friday but no one was there.. so whatever la... eeeeee.. after 3 hours i feel like dying liao fucking hungry so i went home and made myself harmee with chinese leaf and sebiji telur.. then only my date, lets call him Timothy, Timothy texted me saying that he will be having his classes till 3pm... so ok lor.. i finish lunch and went back to lab lor..

so ngam i finish my stuffs at 3pm jugak.. ngek ngek ngek... i tipu a bit here and there la of course and kinda sneak out by then! lol...

so i went home and showered and everything and went out with an anticipating heart.. haha..

so sohai la.. i think cos tak cukup tidor i got one huge pimple on my dahi like omgosh can someone just kill me... haha...

anyway... so i just hop on the train and off i head towards newcastle..

it takes me a while to reach newcastle and so ngam badak was on whatsapp and so we just chatted lor..

hm...

i feel bad and all for going out for this date knowing that badak is "there", just because he has issues he hasnt solve and like... i was really puzzled la in a sense of not knowing what am i feeling also at the moment of time.. and like i dont know what i want kinda thing...

i dont feel like telling badak about the date cos im afraid that it might hurt his feelings(i pretend he likes me la k) but i thought that i should since he is only a friend for now kan and friends tell each other stuffs and like theres nothing to hide anyway.. but like... urgh...

anyway.. i terlanjur la anyway.. and i accidentally told badak about the date.. and guess what he said the first thing?: make sure it is safe ok...

lolllllllllllllllllllllll

that silly boy...

cant really call him boy la... call him big boy la.. he is older by a few years..

badak is the type of person where if he falls for someone, he falls hard and very to come out of it(sounds familiar?)...

so i also quite.. i dont know what to do... ok la.. i have likings for this badak la but....

just when im really clueless of what to do soul232 texted me....

Go for the one that youre comfortable with, you havent met badak yet right?

just that one line is really really comforting like, ok, youre right! kinda feeling... and my emotions were corrected straight at that point...

once reached newcastle city center i came out of the train station and there he was waiting for me... haha... such a cute guy!! looks cuter than the pic(maybe cos he shaved, the pic look ahpek abit).. haha.. he is my age la anyway.. so its really not bad at all..

a lil shorter than me(not usually a criteria i was looking for but...i lowered the bar cos i realize that there was no ideal guy out there anyway)..

ok

this part frustrating...

2 gay guys, in a not very big city, deciding what to eat is so so so difficult la really...

hey, what you wanna eat?

erm.. anything la... what do you want to eat...

erm.. i cincai one.... erm... what do you like to eat?

well.. i eat almost anything one.. i like a lot of stuffs ...

erm...

NIAMA................. really cant decide !!!

do you wanna eat eastern or western food?

well, anything will do...

we go eastern then... wanna go for dim sum?

i could see it from his eyes that he doesnt really like dim sum or any of those chinese restaurant food cos i mentioned it before and he didnt seem keen.. lol...

or... maybe... hm... there's a small malaysian restaurant in front if you wanna try...

MALAYSIAN FOOD? alright!!! i love trying new food!!!! i havent tried Malaysian food before, why didnt you say earlier!!??? lets go lets gooooooooo...

hahaha.. that was really comforting to hear but like i dont really know whether he likes it or not so i was quite reluctant to bring him there at first but we did went in the end...

and so... once sat down i ask him what does he want and he say something that i will never forget in my life and it will be immortalize here in the blog forever...

what do you wanna eat?

erm... just call all your famous dishes, just call a little bit of everything and we will eat ok?!

*.* what?

yea.. just everything...

hello, have we taken your order yet?

belum cik...

so, you nak order apa?

erm, cik hari ni ada apa?

can i record when you speak in malay? :)

what the hell.. hahahaha... (i know my voice sexy ok loll)

kite ada nasi lemak, nasi tomato, nasi goreng...

ada apa lauk?

ayam sambal, ayam rendang..

ok la, kite nak nasi lemak ayam sambal ngan satu nasi tomato ayam rendang...

ok nak minum apa? erm.. teh tarik ngan sirap ba

what did you order?

well, later when it comes you will see la..

***food came***

er.... thats it?

errr..... yea? 

got nothing else to order?

well... can you even finish?

well yea... order more order more... haha...

er... cik cik....

ya?

erm.. cik ada apa lagi kat menu... lauk lain, sup ke apa...

kite ada soup tom...

ok la satu sup tom yam.... ada seafood tak?

ada...

ada beef rendang? ada! ok nak satu portion tu jugak...

then.. boleh tambah satu bihun goreng ?! boleh!!

i think in her eyes we are either too greedy or like as though 10 years tak makan! lol

....its gonna be expensive wor...

nevermind la, its my first time meeting you and ... its only food, just eat ok.. as long as we are happy..

i dont usually waste food..

i saw the look in his eyes like as though he will need to finish everything afterwards and yes indeed he finished every single drop of rice! hahahaha.. i think he felt bad but it wasnt really overfilling... it was just nice! :) and he loved the nasi lemak and the beef rendang and the tom yam and also the teh tarik.. hahaa... im really glad that he liked it and i know that he is not just saying it for the sake of saying it so thats good.. haha...

he isnt fat at all, in fact he is quite fit and has really fair skin and very smooth.. haha...

after dinner we just stroll around newcastle streets... well the city is not really big cos we circled it three times before he send me off back to the train station.. he wanted to send me all the way back home but nah.. i didnt let him.. lol.. it would be too troublesome..

we talked about me, talked about him, his home country.. lifestyle.. why he usually eats alot.. those kinda things.. its really nice knowing about another asian culture and its interesting la.. and he seems ok.. haha... and we have got a next date planned! :) thats next weekend! cant wait for it!! haha...

Date on Friday!!!

I really cant wait! haha..

so.... its really hard to find anyone to wants to date(disregard other intentions) cos its either SEX or no SEX and dates are like secondary kinda thing in the UK, as in so far la...

so this guy... he messaged me one night and I took 24 hours before replying.. haha.. that was around 1am after i finish my presentation preparation shit.. and surprisingly he was quite a quick replier, either:

1. he is hunting for sex

2. he is super horny and hunting for sex

cos it was 1am then and... hahaha.. but anyway he said that he just woke up cos he was too knackered before that.. haha.. i just take his word for it lor.. hahahaha.. oh well...

but like, i dont really care about what other intentions he has but like this is like the first time after a few months since my last unsuccessful date and the several postponed/cancelled ones and im really looking forward towards it.. haha..

its friday and its for dinner, will be in Newcastle to be safe and like if anything goes wrong i will go like: JASON!!!!!!!!! HELPPPPPPPPPPPP!! hahahahaha... yea.. Jason is just around the corner..

haha...

anyway Vincent was over in Newcastle to visit the husband over the weekend but i was just too occupied with this sohai presentation that i couldnt go meet him... hm... feel fuck la but... haih... and then there is the Edinburgh Games which i will miss jugak.. oh well... vincent and I memang got no jodoh since last time one.. my jodoh is always with Jason jer.. haha.. maybe I did not put enough effort as a friend? urgh... benci kan... (i know he is reading, i assume la he is reading so i purposely write how remorseful i am here so that he will mempersimpatikan me.. lol...)

anyway, daddy hasnt send the money to me yet, i dah lah told my kawan that the money will come in mid october.. hm.. think i should go talk to her tomorrow and tell her that the money will come in in November ba.. well, daddy said early November... and.... haha... i trust him again... oh well.. i think she would understand la kan... but really hopefully that the money will come in la... 

its 3.37am now and i just kinda finished my presentation shit, left referencing nia.. and I bet that reference thing will take a fucking whole day! hahahahahaha...

oh yea, about that badak guy, he... haha.. take it slow la kan... dah la so menjauh one him... if its meant to happen then happen la kan?! hehe...

and my student, Khai, his birthday coming soon, it would be nice if you guys meet up and just catch up a bit.. haha... being here so far from home, it would be nice if there are some close friends gather once awhile and just catch up.. and your presence would be a good present to him liao... im sure he misses you...

miss ya idiot! i gtg go sleep, tomorrow meeting my presentation partner in library.. maggi is my staple for the week liao really damn sien.. mum sent me 2 months supply of instant noodles during April and i just started using them.. :)

now Karen Mok's Ru Guo Mei You Ni is playing in the background.. haha.. accidentally pushed one tear out my triple eye lid eye...

Jolin Shit is performing in London this weekend and ive got a few friends going for it.. haha.. reminded me of our concert days..

k la k la.. damn tired liao!

tarra now..

Badak...

so this Badak guy, he recently just got out from a ldr.. well... im not really sure about the whole situation la but it seems like ldr is not that feasible if either sides are not ready for it..

im not sure ...

like ldr is not something i would opt to do but it sounds interesting..

i know you cant really play with love but like.. haha.. i dont know la..

so for now i dont really wanna even(try not to) flirt with that Badak boy la.. cos i think he needs time to recover before anything, the last thing i want is me being a rebound ... LOL!! as though he wants me like that.. hahahahahaha...

but yea..

I think i could try this ldr thing, well, maybe it may not work for us but like.. it might work for me ...


that badak loves ldr kinda thing and he thinks it really test both parties mostly on temptations.. haha..

well.. it would be a very very big test for me..

not to say that I will start anything with him or whether he likes me or not(i dont really know what is he thinking at the moment either) but its an option.. haha..

ive known him for 16 months.. thats long enough right?

but like ldr, if in future, there isnt a path where we cross together, what are the possibilities of a future then.. i will also need to really try to find out what is he really thinking..

lol...

this silly Badak gives me the tachycardia shit sometimes ... its a good thing right? haha.. he is probably sleeping now, like you...

im working in an hours time, have to go get ready..

i'll catch you soon!! :)

Dear bubu,

Was talking to badak just now and he said:

your heart is still very much in Malaysia, its so obvious youre not over your ex, and your reason for breaking up is not valid..

well..

its really not that easy to forget your first love aint it? i mean... well, although youre my second ex, youre still my first love, the one before you, its more like well not main main but like more like trial kinda thing.. oh well.. whatever la... you faham cukup..

whatever badak say is not entirely wrong, but my mindset is totally different..

so what if the reason for breaking up is not valid?

so what if im not over my ex?

there is nothing wrong if i were to think of my ex everyday of my life..

there is nothing wrong if the reason of breaking up is not valid, if you are separated means you are separated.. its not partial separation or some bull crap..

i dont or wont stop myself from doing stuffs i cant control, everytime i think of you i will smile.. it may sound freaky but its true.. because thats what will come into mind before the next person comes into picture(which sadly belum...lol).. and the smiling thing is just an outward expression.. haha.. just smile it away...

it would be easier to move on if there is someone new present as so they say, but its not that easy, not everyone that likes you is your type anyway..

im really tired of explaining actually.. yes, its not compulsory and i dont need to prove it to anyone.. but like..

badak, if youre reading this, thanks for your honesty, but clearly you dont really know what im going through.. you have your own issues to settle and so do I.. and if you really like that someone that you told me you do, then go for it and try talking to him.. if he reciprocates and you guys try working things out, I dont see why it is an issue..

anyway, im really tired today.. been up and down to the library for that sohai presentation prep... so tiringnye...

im still doing it now..

can rest la.. but i feel bad if my partner is doing something and Im not... but clearly it looks like im doing stuffs and she isnt but im just gonna ignore that and not assume.. haha...

night you..

dont sleep too late..

Dear bubu,

Boo! how are you?! :)

I turned into a sex addict liao.. lol..

one thing i notice is that, 9 out of 10 ang mo that i slept with doesnt wear anything to sleep..

well, its not that i cant accept, just that im not used to sleeping in the buff .. at least not with strangers..

its quite potong stim for them.. but whatever la..

i recently rejected a guy cos his place doesnt feel safe to live with.. well.. he rents a room and his room isnt really the cleanest nor tidiest.. not that i am but if its worst than mine, means its bad..

another one is cos his bed smells of his body.. like to the max kinda smell and thats what i hate about sleeping in the buff is that the bed will smell of him and if he doesnt produce nice body oil, the bed stinks and if he doesnt really change it frequent its such a turn off..

haha..

im not picky.. its just... well.. im particular... hahahaha...

omgosh i feel like a sex maniac all again.. haha.. no idea how other people will think of me but whatever la.. cant be bothered..

....


anyway, was talking to someone earlier this about acceptance and all, well, as much as i talk the talk, but if i was in his position, i dont think im able to do what I told him about..

sometimes to think about it, its so so so so easy to say stuffs but when its time to do it, it will never be done.. my life is so messed up now i dont think im in any position to tell people on what to do next.. haha..

gonna continue doing my presentation stuffs...

i'll catch you tomorrow :)

muacks!

Dear bubu,

Today i woke up like a couple of minutes before my alarm was to ring.. i wasnt pissed but its the second time that this happened.. haha.. oh well...

i was so so so so so so so so fucking tired cos the night before i did not have enough sleep and last night i slept late cos i went for a movie with friends cos its one of their bdays so...

Taken 2 wasnt bad la but its not as good as the first installment.. not sure whether i watched it with you or not but... haha... *hugs*

today woke up so cold omg but i love cold one memang hehe and the fields were all frozen as my bus journey along to placement.. went to Durham for a hospital placement this morning and the journey to and fro could take me from KL to JB liao time wise.. lol.. my butt pun sakits bangat..

finished placement have to rush back to uni for lectures lagi niama.. and the journey cost will not be reimbursed.. damn niama right i know..

urgh...

made aglio olio prawn thingy today... haha.. not bad for a first try la but still got room for improvement, western food not my forte so forgiveable la.. lol...

got two daddies after coming after me leh... one is quite pro one, the other one handyman, quite hands on one.. the pro one quite witty and cheeky one.. the handyman... er... hm... hahahahahaha...

eeeeeee... how arr.. hahahaha...

daddies i got no issue one.. but i talked to kawan before hor.. she say also true la.. "now still ok la but what if after a few years how.. he also old liao.. some more got generation gap leh.. you can or not?" haha...

well of course we will have to pandang ke arah jauh but a few years seems ok for now but when it really happens, it might take a really long time.. haha..

like us, only 21 months but felt like weve known for years and gone thru stuffs like decades.. cant say literally married cos we did not kinda stay together but like yea...

badak is so far in malaysia..

you pun... dah berada..

.. haha...

ive got an early class tomorrow.. got to sleep now..

tarra!! :) 

Dear bubu,

Just came back from my meeting with my final year project tutor.. he is the sweetest thing ever.. dont think i will have any trouble with him this year so its a good thing.. he taught me since year 1 but i doubt he remembers any much more than the rest..

anyway, apart from him i also have got another lab supervisor and oh em geeeee he is so cute and super sweet as well omgosh.. lol.. shorter la a bit but like, when he smiles, i was like inside melted like that.. hahahaha... not sure is he gay or not but whatever la.. cant say that he is an eye candy like yesterday's case but like he is super nice la..

anyway.. my title and hypothesis and all those crap is out so i could start anytime.. really cant wait..

autumn is here as we speak..

the trees are colouring up now..

its constant 5 - 7 degrees every night now and its only the first few weeks of autumn.. haha.. could feel that this winter will be colder than last year, like a lot colder..

woke up to pee this morning at half 5 and couldnt sleep back after that.. the weather is so cold that i have to hide under my duvet but its so hot inside that i sweat.. maybe cos last night i masturbate until internal heat build up.. hm...

sien..

got class in 5 hours but i cant really sleep now, the sun is too glaring and i think my cortisol level is just too high for now..

i got a presentation in 2 weeks so am preparing it now..

ttyl ! :)

Dear bubu,

First workshop today done by a external guest, omgosh he is the hottest thing I seen so far in this ulu kapit place of mine.. well he was a graduate of my uni and now is working for some big ass chained pharmaceutical company.. anyway he is the best looking thing ever and I cant stop stealing a glance of him from time to time and there's once where he asked me a question and I just looked at him, and I was blank! just blank!! hahahaha... so embarrassing now to think of it omgoshhhhhhhhh!!

other than that today was just normal.. Made Chili Babi for tea just and it was awesome!! for the first time i sweat so much in weeks!

was talking to Badak(the Malaysian guy I was talking few post back), and he was like: you know if you continue flirting with me I will very easily fall for you right?

haha..

that silly guy..

so i lower down a notch of my flirting.. lol... i was quite perasan in a sense that i asked him to not limit his options(like as though im the one for him like that PERASANNYER OMGGGGGGGGG) and tell him to chance upon any opportunity he gets..

lol..

and he can go and say la he so ugly la fat la got pimple la this la that la that no one likes him.. haha...

silly him...

...

.........

I was eating Kaya with toast this morning with a cup of fresh milk and Kaya really makes me miss malaysian food la.. mm... must thank Soul232 for the Kaya la.. best birthday gift this year! haha...

will need to study after this... catch you later :) muacks...

Dear bubu,

Its 3.38am now.. I've told so many people im gonna go sleep, but in real fact im masturbating...

I'm so addicted to it now omgosh like im doing it 5 - 6 times a day wasting fucking lots of hours on it..

hm...

ive got a class at 12 noon tomorrow so that gives me ample of time to sleep..

i have still got a few aik cheong instant teh tarik powder packets left.. hm.. i drink one cup every night now.. its so rare but its so addictive and drinking it reminds me of our mamak session..

i never once order teh tarik in Malaysia but here i crave for it so badly.. maybe cos Malaysia i only drink cold stuffs cos of the shitty weather..

im losing focus la b...

:(

havent been skyping mum for a week or two liao, i dont really know how is mum doing or how is the money coming.. hopefully she is alright there la.. 

im not sure whether i told you about my rash or not.. ive got a rash thing since march, all over my back and chest and around my thighs, oozing and itchy and flaky... and ive been on short courses of antibiotics, was on anti fungal cream, scabies cream and all those shit la but till now still no improvement..

im on the steroid cream for 2 3 months liao, started of applying twice a day and the rash went away for good but once i stop the cream, 4 days later it appeared back and so i use the cream every 4 days for 2 - 3 months now and its still the same..

later on i cannot tahan liao i went online and try to see whether what can i cari about my rash.. i self diagnose myself with pityriasis rosea.. no known cause for this sohai rash and it last from weeks to half a year.. mine is with me for 7 months liao.. hm... you say lah.. i sien or not..

its spreading till my arms now..

lol.. dont ask me about did the couple complain about my rash when they had it with me...

anyway.. so i read the forum thingy that sufferers wrote about their experience and there is one case where he shower with head and shoulders anti dandruff for itchy scalp shampoo and i tried using it and it works la..

so far i havent been using the cream liao and the rash full blast came out, after using the shampoo, the rash somehow under control.. its super dry now and i try to make it as dry as possible by not applying moisturizer and its starting to shed off slowly ... anywhere that once had that itchy rash is now a rough patch of dry skin... im hoping that it will go away.. but.. .hm... my body is so so so rough now.. :( i feel like using the steroid cream but long term using it will cause uneven coloration which i tak mau.. haih...

stupid rash...

ok la.. i go sleep liao la.. night b..

you take care over there in KL k..

tarra..

Dear bubu,

Recently I had a threeway session, it was with another couple, its my first time in my life doing it so at first i was still very very gan chiong, anyway im not going into details but it ended good and after that they made a meal for me, i had baked salmon and pasta and garlic breads.. and also my first try of gin and tonic..

its really overwhelming, its something not expected out of a sex session.. i later get to mingle with their three cute fluffy dogs and for the first time in my life in UK i feel at home.. it was a banglo-ish kinda house with the backyard twice the size of the house and its really really comfy.. we talked for a couple of hours before they send me home..

they're gonna bring me out to the scene one night i think.. but of course not gonna to just take their word for word la.. will just see how it goes lor.. haha...

im just so horny here omgosh... i havent had sex for months and now this release is a good one.. lol..

im having milo and white chocolate bars for tea now.. revising on Medicines Act, Poisons Act and stuffs.. so boring.. but got small test tomorrow so have to lor...

Dear bubu,

You know the moment when you speak with someone over the internet for so long without knowing how they look like but you know there's a level of connection that enable further communication to continue but at the same time youre wondering how they look like kinda moment? We have that for a week before we met remember? haha... *hugs*

Well its happening again and after 16 months, i finally know how he looks like and haha.. he looks super smart and bold and kinda gave me the "omgosh he is so hot" feeling for that instance.. haha.. well, he is in Malaysia now and like, well, knowing that long distance relationships is not gonna work for me, of course nothing happen la.. haha..

We sorta plan our first date(if that happens) kinda thing liao but its just so so so vague, cos I dont even know when will i be going back and will... hm.. haha.. lets see, i'll be here for another 2 years, haha... after that pun mungkin i will continue working kot.. lol... If im attached by then maybe menge-PR-kan myself then im not going back liao... haha.. even if im going back to Malaysia pun tak tentu he will still be single or not.. lol... so for now not thinking of anything further than a day knowing that things changes everyday...

I dont know la, tibe tibe i feel like writing everything that I cant really tell you, or sometimes dont have time to talk to you and stuffs all down.. so that we can catch up, or so that You can catch up with my life... well sorta..

Finding a bf here in the UK is so so so difficult.. so far ive went for a few dates but everyone of those doesnt really continue more than once.. its either Im not their type or vice versa..

talked to a guy over grindr and he said that i should really go out into the scene... haha.. the scene here, in this ulu kampung is really quite sad.. being all alone without no close gay friends around, sometimes i wanna go out into the scene pun rasa very... i just dont dare la.. ....not like anythings gonna happen but like it would be more sensible if there's someone here with me...

at least if bored or no one to talk to at least there's someone there for me, wont be like sorang bodoh bodoh like that..

haha.. another reason i dont go out into the scene is cos i dont really drink also, not like they dont serve fizzy drinks or sparkling shit but.. i dont have enough to spend(waste) on those...

so maybe thats why im still single.. hahaha...

nah...

maybe i need to finish my final year here before thinking about all those la kan?

oh well...

...

its 8.21pm here now...

im in my microfleece bath robe writing this, waiting for my turn to mandi..

...

Dear bubu,

This week's house chores im in charge of sweeping and mopping the floors so as I was doing it I run my playlist along la cos if not will be damn boring, brought my laptop and letak it in the kitchen and then play la kan...

Lol..

Like that also i kena complain from my housemates, its freaking 4pm on a Saturday, i fucking do the chores for 30 minutes maximum, you wanna complain that i on song too loud? No brains arr, you fucking do house chores without music you see you siao or not, dah la i so musical talented, want me to do stuffs without music.. i fucking irritated one day if i beh song that bitch i will on the vacuum loud loud and vacuum the floor outside her room for 10 minutes see whether she siao or not..

urgh..

benci..

im so tired liao..

gonna make dinner in like an hour..

Dear bubu,

Today is like every other weekend... Got up when the sun(if exist) is at its highest cos last night i worked till half 12..

at least my expenses and utilities are covered by my one night's pay at the takeaway...

today is also house chores day for me, im doing the mopping and the sweeping of the floors this week..

im also making dinner for the house tonight, making my specialty celery tomato chicken soup :) i make this every week and it taste delicious(lol perasannyer, housemate say one ok)...

i need to start on my final year project already and also presentations to prepare too...

this year's timetable is more relaxed more self study hours for us but that will only make me procrastinate even more.. haha.. will try not to do so la but too much time will divert my attention elsewhere... lol...

i miss you..

Dear bubu,

the first thing after opening my browser after waking up, gmail automatically pop out and i was really shocked cos it wasnt programmed to do so and the first email that was sent to me was a link to your blog.. writing that entry you wrote.. well i will eventually find out but..

I really hope that I'm there.. by your side to help you go thru this stage..

but i know, for now, at least, there is someone there who you could rely on.. well, everything happen for a reason..

silent battle is not really good, because the world might just crashed down on you and you will just be buried underneath altogether and no one knows..

i know no one can do anything to help but sometimes talking to someone could help a lil..  crying it out and not trying to keep everything inside could do you some good..

youve been too strong for too long since i left and i know it cos youve said that, one of us must be strong for us, although there is no us now but i know youre still staying strong for me.. but now its ok to let go, cos im no longer you cant do this all alone, keeping yourself busy and occupied might just be the only way now but you need to get some support alongside..

i'm always here for you, and so will all our friends, all the bloggers and everyone that love us.. ...i hope that this mode of communication helps a lil...

if there's no one else in the world you could pour out to, do it here b...

i still love you idiot..

Dear bubu, how are you...

Dear bubu,

How are you?

Its so hard to pen things down when im facing the computer..

i go blank..

there are so many things I wanna ask you, wanna talk to you about.. ........this and that..

but i know.. that we have our own lives to live now being 7000 miles apart..


was talking with a new friend i made about you last night and he said one thing that made me write this, he ask: if you love him so much, why dont you get him back?

i told him: maybe i dont really love him that much... if i do, maybe i wouldnt have come here..

then he said: well, maybe you do, you must have sacrifice so much coming here..

i think to myself..

if lets say i were to stay back, i will need to start all over again with uni, but of course i will be with you and i wont get into all these troubles over here in UK.... but I put my education before you.....

i know im selfish..

he ask: then why not go back after you finish your studies?

well, the fact that you are with someone else now, going back would be so awkward...... like i can see you but you with someone else..  haha..  well, i know youre happy now and its good..

mutual friends of us that we made along the way as a couple always say that they wanna see us back together again.. but like, of course they would want that cos thats how they get to know us, as a couple but.. haha..

hm..

i die die also have to finish my studies and finish my one year of housemanship thing here.. cos with that i could practically work anywhere and not just stuck in malaysia, not to say malaysia is not good or what but like at least i open up my options and stuffs..

it would put you into an awkward position as well if i were to come back, i can totally imagine you(i dowana be perasan but i think i am in position to say that) knowing that im back, you would wanna come see me but you will have to introduce me to your other half and the whole awkward moment will surface and all.. and you will be tormented with decisions and .. i know youre stressed with lots of problems now and that will just add more to it aint it.. haha.. ok la.. i damn perasan for a moment there but whatever.. haha....ahahahahhaha....



just the thought of, me being there... with you... with your family, having dinner... playing with your brothers, kacauing them, your dad kacauing me with his sarcasm and his jokes.. and your mum being mum.. haha.. .....going for family outings, meeting the extended family...

i miss you so much..

i feel like im so part of your life, your family, your everything and now everything is gone...

everything that i build myself upon you for 21 months is all gone now..


i miss driving to your house..

i miss going into your room...

i miss being caught by your mum for our mischievous acts...

i miss your dad's lame remarks and how he kenakan me in front of me...

i miss how you give me your ice cream and eat my bottom half of the cone..

i miss going to concerts and plays with you..

i miss us getting caught by police for our adventurous scene..

i miss going clubs with you(although i always ditch you and dance like a slut around the dancefloor)..

i miss going mamak with you at 3 in the morning..

i miss driving you around...

i miss teasing you saying that you suck as singing whenever a song plays on the radio and you go on with your rapid forceful vibrato.. haha..

i miss you giving me remains of chicken bones to fulfill my food desires..

i miss your failed surprises... i miss all the moments when i caught you offguard of your process of surprise..

i miss holding your hands...

i miss how you comb my hair when i lie on your lap...

i miss everything about you..



one year being here without you is really different..

i cant just take for granted that someone will be there for me when im in trouble cos there isnt anyone here...

yes i miss being in a relationship..

but i miss you more than anything...

i never teared for anyone before and youre the first...

people always thought that youre the sentimental one but now they all changed their opinions..

i never thought that i will act this way after coming here..

i guess distance brings out different parts of me..


sometimes i really wanna whatsapp you and all, but like im afraid that he will be by your side reading what i write and all.. not like its anything mushy or what but like.. its just weird.. so i end up deleting what i wanted to write altogether..


some friends told me that they are losing you, like youre getting further from them day by day... i dont blame you, they wouldnt understand what you went thru... everytime you see them, it would remind you of me aint it...

just like when i go out with jason, i would always think of you...

seeing any mutual friends would definitely bring me memories of you...

yes time changes everything, but .... it will take some time...

then the friend said: he must find it hard to cope... do you think he is happy with his new bf?


are you?


i dont know what im feeling now...

sometimes im really curious what are you thinking.. and how do you feel and all..

but i think its best not to know, cos maybe i might regret knowing it later...

curiosity kills huh...




bubu...

how are you?


)(*&^%$ECHJ^&($)&%(*^)(_&??>?>":}{P&%)* fucked up feeling go away thanks..

my jeans..

so to talk on Jboy's latest entry on his 3 fashion(affordable) must haves, which he touched on shades, jeans and leather shoes....

shades i totally agree cos it could make the ugliest person on earth looks cool and trendy!! those profiles over in groindr and jackyd that has profile pics with shades on will make the singles(or slutty partnereds) heart go bip bop, but never really trust those if youre superficial.. lollll.. ask for a pic without shades then only say :) ............... lets side track to peace's entry on jack'd, he said that he noticed lots of people over in those dating sexing apps are 23 years of age.. hahahaha.. i couldnt tahan my laugh cos im 23 as well! lol... just touched 23 only ok.. not that old... *flip hair*..

the leather shoes part, err.. i think you wanna avoid leather shoes cos it means that youre entering the working world which is a dread for all young and cute people like us(me).. but ive got a(the only one) pair from Jaspal 2 years ago that lasted till now, it was on 40% discount and i was like walking up and down for a few days pondering whether should I get it or not but my hati yang fragile sudah give in and i bought that pair that cost almost 300RM after discount and surprisingly it lasted till now which is a boomz thing cos now that i kira balik, its less than RM0.50 a day for that pair of cow.. :)

omgosh diverted so much.. main topic of today is ze ZZZheeeeeeeeens!

how many pair of Jeans do you have?

I have 7 as of now..

my first ever jeans that i got was when im 17..

haha..

its a really ADVANCED age to get a pair of jeans i know, i advance ma ok!! ish...

it wasnt really my idea cos i never thought i would look good in those...

the first pair was present to me by my first ex, he got this bootcut jeans from topman which make my disfigured butt looks really shaped and boomz..

that pair of jeans lasted me a good 2.5 years(i threw it away after that) and then when it starts to tear apart cos of the overusage and the wear and tear and more wear and tear cos its the only pair of jeans i wear, bubu got me the next pair of jeans also from topman with a better cutting for my birthday 2 years ago..

so yea, my first 2  jeans was present to me by my ex-es...

now that jeans is also torn, there's a hole at the cibai there.. i wear it only at home and never thought of throwing it away.. well... it will be thrown away eventually but... hm... there's nothing much of bubu thats left with me now..

bubu's present...

anyway, back to my jeans story...

cos it was torn, amazingly i ended up with 6 extra jeans after that.. haha.. all bought with my own earned money! :)

i got(oldest to newest)...

Zara Straight Cut..

Gap Slim Cut

Guess Slim Straight Lincoln

All Saints Iggy Cigarette

Topman Skinnies

Topman Slim Cut

and thats everything!! :)

which one do you like the most??!?!? itu guess punye the colour me likey!! :)