sex conversation...

this post is inspired by Kiddystick's SEXASATION.


new sex couples are usually more verbal, more tolerable, more naive, more understanding, more intense... impressions are quite intense at the first round so we kinda wanna give out our best first impression during sex so that the other party would want it more in the future.. partners would usually tolerate imperfections(pain, smell, sweat, lighting, voices, surrounding) more during the first few times... having said that, they usually will come prepared with fancy perfumes, clean shaved body, lots of lube, maybe douched etc..

humans we learn from experience and usually sex would get better over time as we know each other's pleasure points and what not to do kinda thing..

talking about basic words that are uttered during sex, i only can come out with the following..... and oh, this is from a bottom's point of view la k.. the list is not exhaustive so feel free to add in the comments below ok..


ahhh eeeee iiiii ooooo uuuu(depends on individual moans)....
fuck me...
harder,...
slow down...
deeper....
yea baby...
ah.... slow down tiger...
thats soooo deeep... ahh.....
where do you wanna cum? 
cum all over me!!!
in my mouth!!
im gonna cum im gonna CUM AHHHHHH!


after being in a relationship long enough, you will be surprise on what conversation surfaces during sex..


ahhh ahhhh.....hey, what do you wanna have for breakfast tomorrow morning...
hey, i just realize you got a mole on your arm...
fuck.. fuck.. fuck... ouch, it hurts, told you to go slow before this right?!!
lets try something else, im quite tired squating...
are you coming soon? no? hm... can we continue it later? my ass is sore...
i like it when you do it sideways, can you just keep it at that position please...
ouch, ouch, wrong hole wrong hole... no no no.... ...do you wanna switch on the lights?


or maybe sometimes.. sex doesnt even happen....


sorry, im not ready for sex tonight...
havent shit yet, feeling stuffed, tomorrow la...
im quite tired... maybe tomorrow...
i got no mood... tomorrow la...
i cum 4 times today already while youre at work, hm... maybe tomorrow...


anyone of you had kinda similar conversations before? hahahaah... care to share!!??

tell me those arent just me? i dont know la... lol

post cum...

10 mins after cuming...



ee.....

why wet one...

*use finger wipe off cum from dickhead*

*taste in mouth*

mmmm.........

yumyum..

Ups and Downs..

lets talk about the Ups ok...

Well, Im like totally over Frankie.. period.

well, it wont be easy if i havent met little Tom. :) hahahahahah.. suddenly another character came up! hahahaha.. its so so so  confusing for me too cos I realize there are lots of fake names that i came up with and I wont be surprise if I mixed one of them up with another... lol

anyway...

well, Little Tom and I are just going out as friends.. nothing more.. the fact that im not sure whether I'll be here permanently or not kinda decide the state of us now... moreover his ex(an asian) that needs to leave the country in January kinda got engage and getting married end of this month 2 months after breaking up with little Tom. so Tom has his own reservation on the whole relationship issue ..

haha..

but that aside, im kinda quite happy right now with what i have and what im going thru now...

Tom reminds me of bubu in a way, a little shorter than me, dark hair with a little dash of blondeness, slim, cute to me, huggable and just so... haha.. and still a virgin... oh my, friends say that im a virgin magnet.. i cant really help it la.. hahahaha...

.......

I moved in to this new place...

Keith's house used to be my room and now my room is my room and to fit Keith's house into my room is just impossible hahahaha.. so in a way my room is kinda cramped and feels like im a student all over again...

i have the whole house to myself most of the week as my landlord works away quite often but when he comes back, gosh, the state of the house is crazy, a mess, dirty and what not and i will be like the maid that cleans up after that...

remember reading or watching cinderella cleaning the floors with cloth and everything, i do that too, like the same, using cloth and tissue rubbing the bathroom and all.. haha.. but once the house is clean i got a sense of satisfaction :)

........

Niey is in surgery as we speak, or maybe its been done but i havent heard from him...

i just hope it goes well this time round, its the brain that is been cut up...

i couldnt contain myself last night when we spoke before him going in...

........

Xmas this year is in the mid of the week Wed and Thursday holiday and im fucking working Monday Tue and Friday.. kinda stupid and silly cos i cant take any holiday in december -.-

and being in the angmo cuntry, everything shuts on xmas day, all transportation system is down and all shopping malls etc.. basically its just a dead day...

so i think i will just rot and lay egg on xmas day...

landlord asked me to join him on xmas... e....... sounds dodgy, so i might think twice.. havent accept it yet.. so see how la...

........

say something im giving up on you...

i dont really know what i want..

how long will i have being here is still a mystery... i wanna stay but is it even possible?

he on the other hand wants to go to some asian country so badly... and if not, he will wanna go Paris...   .




say something by a great big world is on repeat for the whole night...




it doesnt feel right..

nothing feels right right now...

i dont think im fit to be in a relationship now..

well, not until im stable down at a place...

that being said, how would i know i wont here?

hm...



anyhow, Frankie doesnt seem to fit the pic well anyway...

i gave up texting him..

its been two days and i dowana be the one who is always initiating a conversation.... the last thing that went thru 2 days ago were

hey, youve been quiet today..

yea, im sorry, been busy this week...


yea.. i dont really wanna hear bullshit...

just a text..

doesnt really take you 2 secs




say something im giving up on you...

wild sex fantasies with my landlord...

im destined to be the maid forever! lol..

my landlord left the house in a hurry and wasnt gonna be back for quite some time and guess what, he was half way doing his laundry and interrupted my laundry washing time thingy and i have to dry his and fold and text him and he was like: mate, im so sorry i was in a rush...

and being the kind maid me, i folded each and every single piece of fabric and lay it properly aside for him when he returns...

he is gonna be acting in a local series next year and he is kinda building his body for the movie and like his butt is so so tight and his forceps.... and ... erm.. nevermind... he is hot la my landlord, and he is young and suckcessful and... anyway.. i just had a fantasy having wild sex with him in the living room -.-

wtf..

yes.. i admit...

but like omgosh this is so not professional!!

and he is straight omgosh...

but he is so hot...

and its gonna be so wrong and awkward!!!!

LOL...

ok im not gonna talk anymore...

we are only friends now..

well, i still have feelings for him, its not something that could be erased overnight.. but i hope with time everything will be ok.. as for now, we are only friends.. 

i think we will meet up quite often for meals and stuffs cos we do live quite near each other and like.. why not..

haha...

it was an emotional day for me when keith returned from his trip..

at first i thought im gonna as in i could hold from crying but when he came through the door with his arms open, i couldnt help but to pour out like a small kid...

holding him for about 5 mins seems like 2 hours..

he being the manly man he is hold on to his tears but i know he did tear..

silly keith...

we went for a last meal before he send me off to my new place...

i know its kinda wrong for him to send me to my new place but i needed his help to bring some of my furniture over..

hm...

during the meal, we were talking about his trip and it just hit my mind to ask him about...

so, did you had sex during the trip?!

well of course!! you dumped me!!

hey!!!! what..... you call that dump!!

hahahaha.. yes!!! i was depressed then.. it took me two days for it to sink in...

lol.. omgosh!!! were you protected?!!??!!

yea...

omgosh.... is he asian??

erm.. yea.

is he tall?

5 8...

oh, thats short... *flips hair*

he is a cabin crew...

-.- such a short cabin crew, how did he qualify?

he works for malaysian airline..

-.- wtf......

but he is indonesian i think..

whatever...

since you had sex with someone else then im not gonna have break up sex with you la..

-.- ... nothing beats cuddling..

urgh..... cabin crew... urgh... *rolleyes*

why??

where are your standards?!?!?

what??

im a *insert job title*.... you must aim higher!!!!

lol!!!!!!

we both laughed...

well, it did made my heart itch a little but... im not angry at all... does it mean im good? 

im writing this on my new bed, this is my first night here.. i hope i can sleep properly...

im loving my new place already...

so so so nice!!!

last day here in the place i call home...

as i wash and put all the dishes back into the cupboard, the kitchen looked so empty...

it looked so clean, so deserted..

this is where all the magic happens.. i cooked here, i did the laundry, all my maid preps and..


the kitchen breathes my name, my scent, my air...

as i close the kitchen door behind me, i couldn't help but shed a tear...

its gonna be my last night here in this place...

i puffed up each of the red pillows on the long L shaped sofa as though I'm saying my last farewell to each and one of them...

im gonna miss this place so much..

taking each slow step as i walk up the red-carpeted stairway.. i could feel the softness of the fabric caressing the sole of my feet as though they are waving goodbye in their own way...

as i step into the shower and take my last shower of the night i couldn't help but imagine what will this house be like without me..

well, ...

i guess its not up to me to think about all these..

at least i took good care of this house for a month since he's been gone..

this place looked good..

this place looks presentable...

as least i live up to my maid status.. haha....    :)


tugging myself in bed with two layers of duvet over my naked body, i look up and out the window...

the stars are telling me I'm doing the right thing..

the moon nods giving me the green light to sleep...

knowing that Keith will be back tomorrow and that my life will be different altogether..

will i be able to cope..

will i adapt..

?

i won't have the luxury of having someone driving me around..

i won't have someone to pick me up from work anymore...

i.....



i will be fine..

i will be..

i just need some time...

masturbate smoke out..

ok, emo posts aside..

was so horny i mastrebrated and guess what!?!!? cos it was fucking 1 degree or something outside, I'm not sure what the room temperature was la but when i cum there was smoke coming out too!!! lol.. like instant evaporation like that! hahahahaahahahahaha... so KOOOOOOL!! in a way la cos i jakun.. lol...

i just realise that i didn't really mentioned about Frankie for quite some time already..

the thing is..

i don't know what should i really do about him...

not sure whether he is here to stay or leave...

and his answers are always uncertain..

him not replying me sometimes makes me wonder is he dating someone else or not...

well, he say no la but.. haha.. well, there's always a bad angel keep whispering in your ear telling you otherwise...

I was quite curious 2 nights ago and i asked him this: Frankie, can you see us living together in the future?

yea...

then after an hour...

I'm really sorry but i don't make enough money to live with you.. i only work part time.. i can't pay rent lol

-.-  im not asking you to move in with me now la silly! and you chose to answer that after an hour?!??! -.-

well, you asked about it! lol




but yea...

we are going out for a movie again this wednesday.. can't wait.. its like movie night every week for us and its like the only thing we kinda do... well, it hasn't reach a bore stage yet and i don't think i will be bored to go out for movie since my life is so dull now lol...

i always tell other people to think positive but own words doesn't really work on myself.. lol..

moved half of my stuffs...

i packed all day yesterday.. i lay 3 luggages, 3 hand luggages and 3 boxes by the hallway near the main entrance..

then this morning came...

i saw the cases...

i feel so troubled..

like I'm not sure what I'm doing kinda thing...

i took off, and left to the seafront to get some morning breeze...

it was 1 degree celcius with wind about 30mph..

the sun was sky high and bright like a diamond..

i feel so at peace standing at the edge of my worst nightmare.. the cliff..

demi lovato's warrior was playing on my iPod and the whole feeling is just good..

i walked home... went up to my laptop, searched for the taxi's number and key it onto my phone...

the dial button has like a thick transparent barrier preventing me from pushing it at that moment...

at last i took a deep breath and called..

moments later everything was in the cab and I'm off to my new place..

at least half of my stuffs are there in the new room now..

no turning back no more...

everything will be over once keith is home..

hm....

moving is not easy...

moving away is something hard to do..

not the physical aspect but...

I've turned this messy place into a liveable nest that is conducive for all purpose.. I'm just so comfortable living here and... thinking of leaving makes me kinda sad in a way..

i know it will be better with time..

but for now... hm...

I've been packing all afternoon, 3 suitcases and 5 boxes all filled now..

will be moving tomorrow afternoon then final move will be on the following weekend..

seeing this place getting emptier as i tidy my own stuffs , its just, like I'm wondering whether is this really happening...

but i guess its happening for a reason..

well, I'm also wondering whether will this place be messy all over again once i leave but i don't think I'm in any position to think about that since i chose to leave...

hmm....

i think i will miss this place...

why am i crying so easily?

how should i put this...

its been an emotional 2 months..

people come and go from out lives just like that...

maybe I'm seeking attention..

maybe I'm getting the wrong ones.. entertaining them even though i know it does no good..

i just need someone to hug me so tight right now.. and i just wanna cry and cry until everything dries up and whispers that everything will be ok...

I've said this a million times, but i never seem to do it.. haha.. maybe deep down I'm too shy to show my true feelings, makes me feel vulnerable, this strong front is what keeps me going..

hm...

I'm tired...

fourth date..

its our fourth date today and our second movie night so far, we watched escape plan the first time round and it was good but Captain Phillips this time was even better! i think its one of my favourite so far!!

anyways......

the more i go on a date with Frankie the more i think he is an unsettled soul.

unsettling in a way like he doesn't like to be in a same place for long, like he has been france for a year and he is quite fluent in that language and he is currently doing translating and interpreting for the french.. and like he might wanna live there kinda thing ...

we were chatting over dinner and he was saying that he applied to work in China/Taiwan etc and i was like... in my heart: why on earth are we dating la?!?!

i mean, no point dating pun right if he is going away soon...

but like when i did really suggest indirectly like what on earth are we doing this and stuffs he was like: well, we shall see(in a way like he might not go abroad and stay in the UK)...

and the more i think, the more it doesn't make sense in a way too,  i mean, in my case, my visa has like an expiry and to come back for job in the future won't be easy but its not impossible, but still, what if i can't really come back..

whats the point?

hm...

but anyway,

take one step at a time la right....

so yea, thats what i am doing la..

will be moving half of my stuffs out this weekend to my new place... then the rest will be moved once keith is back...

hm....

Frankie is here to stay..

so after patiently waited for a day, he finally texted me..

it was killing me to a point waiting for his text that i kinda lost it.. i self induced emo by listening to emo songs all morning yesterday..

well, the texts was kinda disconnected here and there so... I'm really not sure whether he isn't into texting or he is really occupied..

anyway, he texted me this morning saying that he isn't gonna take up that offer to go abroad.. ... all i can answer was: ok...

he then asked me: are you happy?

well i replied saying i am happy but to be honest I'm really numb.. numb cos of his disjointed messages.. i feel like I'm not very important kinda thing.. the thing with the technology now is that you will know whether the other person has seen your message already but decide not to reply you -.-

that kinda irks me even more...

i think i should resolve to emails la at least i can anticipate a mail and not really care when he reads it.. urgh..

that aside, I'm kinda glad that he is staying.. in a way.

and the text thing, maybe I'm just too sensitive la kan.. haha.. lol

back to work tomorrow peeps!! urgh... have a new week ahead loves!!

Frankie and my new house...

i think i had fallen for him...

haha.. as superficial as it is..

i feel like I'm so easy.. haha, well, i try not to be la but... ..........

lets describe Frankie..

Frankie is a ginger boy, he has blue eyes, slightly shorter than me, slim, speaks french, german and a little mandarin apart from english, just graduated and currently doing his masters?(well that i have to dig in deeper) i think, youngest of 3, uses lah, meh, lo etc manglish, and cos I'm malaysian sometimes he pushes too much -.- dates mostly asians i think cos i feel like all his exes are all asians and not to say one of them is malaysian, urgh, benci make me benci for entah.. hahahahaha...

i mean, I've known him only for two weeks and we've met up 3 times so far, maybe cos we didn't really do anything yet, the excitement of doing things and thinking of doing things together seems so exciting! lol..

I passed his house just now and texted him asking whether he wanted to meet or not since I'm just around the corner but all he said was: you're so pushy..(like a teasing manner la)

lol...

then i replied asking him to think through things about the move abroad and ask him to tell me when he has decided..

im not sure whether I'm feeling something eeeeky or what la but he doesn't really seem to put the effort of sending the first text, is that a caucasian thing? i don't think so ba... maybe he is just not into me? maybe he is thinking whether to continue this thingy we have cos he might be going abroad?

hm... i don't know...

so, im not gonna text him after this and I'm trying really hard.. its been 4 hours now and it feels like an accomplishment already lol..

he mixes with loads of asian gays in the area, feels like his niche to be surrounded by asians, makes me a lil jelly in a way cos I'm having bad thoughts of them touching him and urgh.. entah la... but yea, he is not that easy kinda person so,... i think he should be ok gua...

but yea, as long as his plans to go abroad is unclear, i can't really do anything, and even if he has decided not to go, it doesn't mean that he wants me pun.. not to say i desperately need someone la but hahahahahaha... now I'm wondering whether am I such a dependant person or a person who can't be single..

i mean, I've been single before but usually not long i guess, well,, as in.. ....anyway, i mean, it feels nice la when there is someone there to share your thoughts, your laughs, your cooking, cum... etc. lol ahahahahaha...

i was talking to a close friend last night and was asking him whether he thinks that i am a person who can't live alone kinda thing and he kinda reminded me that i was independent from a young age and maybe cos of that i might crave for dependancy? hm... maybe la.... but then i replied to him saying that I love being single but I love being with someone even more... lol.. he looked stunned with his eyes wide open cos i usually bimbo one then tiba tiba smart words came out lol..

hm....

superficial crush...

tidak boleh ni...

i hope he decides fast...

i mean, he has to decide soon anyway cos if he say yes he will be leaving the following week already..

as a friend i want him to go but..... hahaha.. i have got like 2 songs in my mind now... Stay by rihanna and let her go by passenger.. not sure whether the context is the same or not but the title seems quite suitable lol..

i peek on my un-screensaver-ed phone every few seconds lol...

so siao...

on another note, i found my new place to live alreadY!!!!!

its nearer to the train station which i take to work everyday and a few stops closer to work :) yay, means i will take waking up for granted and will sleep in even more after this! hahaha...

my landlord is a very very hot guy, suckcessful and married! awww... but i think divorced liao with kids and hot, and hunky, and successful, did i say that he is hot? anyway... he is very straight forward, very kind and very in need of a penjaga rumah cos he travels around a lot. he likes me a lot and he expressed that when we talked on the phone and when i came over for the viewing, his reasons was cos I work for a professional body and looks pro and sounds pro wahhh...so flattered then my face blush so much under those tans, so no use, nothing shines through..

anyway... i impulsively told him i'd take the room(house) after having a spin there.. seriously la, the house is so nice in a way cos maybe I've been living in shit places so far so better housing environment kinda boost my urge to stay there lol.. 

so yea, the deal was done, everything was printed and signed off on the day of the viewing and he called to cancel the rest of the appointment he has with other people who wants to come and view lol.. i feel so bad for them but he say: its first come first serve basis anyway, so don't feel bad..

anyway, one stress or problem settled..

now this Frankie thing(which is not even close when it comes to a problem) is now making my head spin... why la tuls you let something like that make you siao... hahahaha... monologue siut... and the stupid autocorrect make my siut to suit on the first time round cipet... lol

i think i surprised myself..

i suddenly have no desire of having sex with strangers anymore...

is it because now my mind has only Frankie in it? or is it an age related symptom? 

lol.. 

arghhhhh.....

can't wait for his text la... come la faster!!!!!

xoxo

complicated..

been viewing houses this few days, its not an easy thing to do, few viewings were postponed, some places were so dodgy that i don't even feel like entering after they open the door, but i had to go in and show my interest as i already promised to have a look...

pictures can be deceiving, you learnt that from grindr, but it also applies to properties online.. I'm looking for a furnished place to stay and those that were posted online was luring me like crazy but some really turned out to be disastrous real life..

hopefully the next few that I'm going soon will somehow be more promising..

just when my emotions were kinda haywired from the thought and hassle of moving out, someone close to my heart passed on... :') i miss him so much... i promised him that i would see him after graduation but i didn't really go back after that and true enough, months later, he is gone forever... I'm glad that i was there for him when he was still alive, and not like some hypocrite that only goes to the funeral out of respect ... whats the point?! thinking of it makes me pissed...

hm...

saying goodbye is never easy..

and for Keith, will be an emotional one too i guess, when he returns..

two more weeks till Keith is back but I've already told him about the split already... he is a big boy, i guess .... i guess he will handle it better than I expected.. after all he is a man man... manly man are just stupid at expressing their true feelings, they just keep it and.. in the end get hurt .. . but i guess thats one of the cons of not being out... everything must be proper and kept quiet...

...

.......

tonight was the funeral, it was quite emotional in a way that knowing that i should be there as someone important to him but due to .... circumstances, I'm here mourning gracefully, even my superior was shocked on how composed i am, maybe thats the life of an actor, you have to stay in character at work and not let family matters ruin the working mood...

the moment i heard about his passing, i was just shocked, it didn't really hit until about 30 minutes later, then, i cried my heart and lungs out... i remember crying that way 2 months after leaving Malaysia, after leaving bubu when i came over here to study... crying really helps in a way, and after everything is out, the only feeling left was numb...

.....


........

so to kinda distract my mood, i went out for a movie, well, it was kinda like a date, but it wasn't a date in a way as well? lol.. lets call him Frankie.

after telling Keith that i wanted to move out and away, i downloaded Grindr -.- don't rolleyes! well Frankie was the first one there to nudge me and i don't know what had gotten into me, after getting his number, i deleted off grindr.

this would be our third meet tonight, i'll write about our first two meets the next time. anyway, we planned to meet tonight for movie as there's a movie deal thingy every Wednesday like back home, and its been months since i last saw a movie in the cinema so its nice to kinda be asked out for one..

half way through the movie, our hands met and my heart skipped a beat, it felt nice... its like romance and all all over again.. after movie we went to chinatown for dinner, we chatted along the way and it was nice in a way to have dinner and truly be yourself, i can't do that when i was with Keith, and Keith doesn't really do those kinda things... i mean I'm not comparing la but its... its nice la...

we ordered two bubble tea to go and just roam around the streets of newcastle for about an hour, half way through, he hold my hand, in the middle of nowhere...

:)

it felt good, it felt right...

its not something you can do in public back home.. at that instant you feel like you're on top of the world... i looked at him and smile and he said: I'm not afraid of holding your hands.. and he smiled, my heart sank...

....

this relationship, i don't even know what to call it, it might just be a short lived experience as he might be leaving the country soon..

he kinda asked my opinion on him leaving, as much as I want him to stay, i told him as a friend to pursue what he wants in life and not hold back as you might not know what happens tomorrow.. cheekily he said that he has his concerns on the move...

so whatever it is..

at least it was a good moment for me...

at least in these kinda stressed moment, he was there to kinda distract me from reality... Niey was kinda worried about me as I was in such a complicated situation with Keith and all, he kinda asked me not to add more complications into my life i.e. Frankie, settle Keith and the moving first then only talk about Frankie.

you know you would always listen to your friend's words and not your parents? well i think Niey is starting to feel like family and so i didn't really took his advice.. haha.. and i think i did the right thing la.. i know you care for me Niey and I know you dowana see me hurt.. :) *hugs* i'll take care of myself :)

hm.....

maybe everything will fall into place soon, I've got a good feeling about this...

I've decided to leave Keith..

I've been thinking a lot...

Due to unforseen circumstances Im only allowed to stay in the UK for another couple of months, after that I will need to leave. If i want to stay and work here i will need to reapply from home and chances are slim from what i heard of.

Lots of parties and procedures involved if i really wanna work in the UK, employers la, sponsors la, funds la etc.. and most employers would rather hire a local englishman to do the job rather than going through all the paperwork just to get someone over from a foreign country...

why must the visa requirements be so stringent?

why must it be now?

that aside, i only have a few more months to stay...

well people ask: what do you gain by doing this now? is leaving keith the best thing to do now?

there isn't a best thing to do or best time to do this kinda things in a way anyway.. leaving is something somewhat complicated in any circumstance..

whether its now or next year when my visa expires, its gonna still be the same, i will leave him anyhow..

i think the reason why I'm kinda hanging on to keith is that cos i feel like i owe him cos he was there when i was in deep shit and of course after that he conveniently invite me to move in and i did, naturally, and its such a smooth transition that i don't really realise that I'm doing it all on a "taking the easy way out" basis..

not to say in the end it backfired but i wished that i did not move in ...

but everything happens for a reason anyway.. and if i didn't move in, inner feelings and realisation wouldn't surface at this pace and i think it would only make things worse.. delaying it any further wouldn't be good ..

for now I'm not paying any rent so moving will kinda make my budget tighter, is it worth it? hm... wouldn't know until i move out and i don't think its any bad, i mean, everything will work out eventually.. yes, it means i won't get to eat as often but it will be all fine, i will just need to cook more the night before and pack for lunch tomorrow..

a friend asked: why don't you wanna stay on just for a few more months and prevent all these frustration?

hm... i feel like I'm not being genuine to keith and it wouldn't be fair for him nor myself.. and sleeping together praying for each day to pass till the day i have to leave is not gonna help..


I'm currently looking for places to move out, found a couple of nice houses and will go viewing soon, hopefully one of them will be suitable la.. and for Keith being abroad now gives me time to kinda do all these.. although i wish that he would be back faster but... hm....

i was thinking of moving out while he is not here but a friend reminded me of how inappropriate and indecent that would be and yea.. feels wrong after thinking about it... sometimes being occupied so much, you can't think properly, and in the end offended some other people accidentally.. its always good to have second opinions and thanks for all those friends who were with me this 2 weeks helping me out on the matter...

hm....

this matter was somehow affecting my work for the past few days when even my superior notices it and ask me am i ok.. haha.. and true enough when friends say that my face can't lie about my true feelings...

the clock is going an hour backwards starting now so little tuls, even time is asking you to think again by giving itself away..

but I've decided and I'm sticking to it.

i see you in my dream..

funny enough, its been awhile since i last dreamt of you...

the dream was so somehow exciting yet wrong..



we were travelling in some country, it was hot climate and we were so happy together..

you were the one driving and at one point i look at you from the front passenger seat while holding your hand.. and i never felt any happier in my life...

the whole journey was just all smiles..

at one instant i feel bad cos you were with someone else at that point of time and doing this is as though youre betraying him, cheating and stuffs, but you looked at me and reassure me everything will be ok...

and then i woke up.... .....i think.


well, if feels like forever in that dream but when i woke up and to think back, whats left in my memory about that dream was just few images of your smile...

at least it felt good for a moment..








Keith is leaving for a month in a few hours time. He has a wedding to attend in Australia and before that he will stop by a few asian countries.. Malaysia is one of it..

funny thing is that i wasnt really informed about this at all and he somehow kinda expects me to know... not that i feel left out or what, i mean, before this, its his way of taking his holidays off and go travelling around and he even travelled the whole of US for 3 months of something sometime back and i think thats what he do but....thats before he met me.....

i mean, not that i can follow him or what, i just started work and like i dont have as much holidays as he and to cut things short, its just complicated...



actually i dont really know what im doing here to be honest...

we had a talk earlier on what will happen next year when my visa expires.. and all he can say is: youre a smart boy, you will know what to do...




keith, there are a few moments in this few months where i feel like i dont belong here and like this is not the life that i want to live...

well, i knew before this that you might be too young for me and... you know.. ...but you say you wanted to try and...

*jokingly* you know i'll be gone by the time you come back...

well, i thought of it before....

REALLY??....



well, do you wanna stop this now??

i... dont know..

i mean, you feel like exploring the outside world?!?!

.....


and then it went silent...




he was packing a few hours ago and i just watch him pack, the whole time we didnt make a sound and until now, the only time in our relationship, we didnt sleep together, as in i kinda isolate myself and he didnt say a word..

its like as though he doesnt want to talk about it and yet doesnt wanna even ask what im thinking about...

as though he doesnt care just to avoid any confrontation..

i really dont know how to react or do..





i feel like walking to the beach now...

its 1.34am and really a lil fresh air could really do me good... but.. im paranoid something bad will happen like being boynapped or get killed by some drunkards or being pushed off the cliff into the sea etc..

basically im a coward in a unique way.. or to put it in nicer words, being extra careful..

his sister is picking him up tomorrow morning and i have to be in the house alone and not to make noise or movement cos he is not out and he is "living alone" kinda thing..



now that i think of it, i realize something..

i dont think im the type of person who can live with someone who isnt out, i mean, im not out but at least im not hiding, if people were to find out find out la.. but like...

i dont know..

maybe keith just isnt the one..

but what is the one anyway?!?

there wont be a the one...

people changes and adapt when the time comes, sometimes they fit in, sometimes they don't...



im gonna ask myself now, what if i were to leave keith now, what will change? i have less than a year being in this country and then i will need to leave.. what can i do? find someone else new? what time do i have? i work daily from 9-6, i reach home, cook eat and sleep, only time left is the weekends, what can possible happen??

am i not happy with keith?

the answer is no. but I'm not satisfied either..

am i being too demanding? am i being too inconsiderate?

what can i do? just live with keith knowing each day that i will be gone next year anyway until the day when i really do leave the country...

did i really make a mistake by starting something knowing that its not gonna end nice?

yes, we will never know what the future holds for us.. maybe Keith is just not meant to be.. or maybe im just too ... too....... i dont know...

i dont know what i want in life, i dont know what im feeling right now, everything is just not right..


but when i take a step back and breathe and think, i really feel content with life, i mean i have such a good life but im just not appreciating it, yet demanding more out of life, is it wrong?


i feel bad for keith but to think of it, he will be having a ball travelling abroad.. haha..





i want someone, and i need someone that i can introduce to my friends... and i dont think Keith is that someone.. im not shy nor embarrassed, being closeted has its limitation.. i feel like im very restricted.. and feeling restricted in one of the most gay-friendly country is bad..

i twist and turn my words so much, it all just points to one thing... im not gonna say it cos i feel like a horrible person.. even thinking of it is like poison..

maybe being alone for this one month would help me somehow..

maybe..



the picture of you just flashes across my mind every now and then bu, i dont know why but thinking of you just bring tears down my......

Have you ever love somebody so much it makes you cry,
have you ever needed something so bad you cant sleep at night,
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right.... have you ever?......

those song lyrics are by Brandy... it just fits so perfectly now.. i really miss you bu.... i just need you to hold me now and dont let go... 5 minutes will do.. just 5 minutes...

i still miss you....

people say that im still hanging on to the past..

am i?

hm....

its not something that anyone could fully comprehend, not even me...

if we were to treasure each other that much, we would make it no matter what the distance right?

why did i let you go? why did i let myself go..

i wasnt 100% honest to you or to myself..

i guess us humans are selfish..

i am selfish...

the fact that we didnt really break up break up,,, seems like im living a dream and when this dream ends i will wake up and youre here again...

but for now, its a nightmare..




when can i wake up??


when will i see you again??





missing you is something i cannot deny..

as much as i think i found happiness and i know that you do too but its feels like we are lying to ourselves and that finding temporary happiness with what we have now is just to console ourselves.. maybe not for you but i feel like i am..

dont worry, im perfectly fine, before you jump into conclusion that im crazy or being a lunatic..

i seldom think so much..

its way pass my bedtime..




tonight, the feeling just..... well, its just overwhelming...


partially its because of this song thats playing..

i remember this song, where you dedicated it in a video you made for us, collages of pictures of us all into one..

it was once on your blog and then now its all gone...

i dont have the copy of that video but the essence and each picture is still vividly playing in my memory..

i miss you a lot you silly..

writing this makes me feel like im cheating on keith.. bless him, he is really a nice guy, loving caring and all.. hm... but its just different...
you and me, its just different, it just feels right...

haha.. i feel like some lame sad bitch writing this down..



how are you, sometimes i wonder..

i want to text you but, hm, you're with someone else now, and i dont want to be the clingy ex that keep messaging...

i think for the past 2 years, weve only exchange text on our birthdays..

....

sometimes i really wonder what is going on with your life right now...

....

i know im not part of it right now anymore, i mean, its been two years since we last met and decently spoken to..



its like we kinda fall out of each other's life..

thinking of what would happen if i didnt leave to study here in the UK doesnt make things any better..

i still remember lying on your legs with your fingers going thru my hair and me just looking up to you..

i miss that a lot ..

i miss you a lot...



well, back to work tomorrow... i need some catching up with sleep...

i am still me..

remember the note i left inside you twenty second birthday present..... well, i meant every word..

love,
me

no sex threats...

today morning surprisingly when i woke up from bed, there he is, standing there with breakfast... :) well, its not something special but well, its nice to eat something that you dont need to make it yourself..  even though its just coffee and toastANYWAY.........

WOW, breakfast!!! i havent even ask and you made breakfast!! awww.....

what do you mean!!!

:) that a first!!

and so we ate while watching ugly betty thats on tv.. although i think we watched that a million times.. lol..

once finished entah mengapa Keith has a hard on..

what are you doing? what is that?!?!?

well, i cant help it!!!

no, im not ready!!!

what do you mean youre not ready?!?!?! you fart-ed all night long, it must be empty for all those air to come out 

-.-

well, ok, only if you wash all these(pointing to the plates and cups used for breakfast)

what do you mean?!??!

well, no sex then....

you know i dont do domestic housework!! 

-.- no sex for a month!!!

HUH!!??!?! awww man... jeez youre cruel!!!

-.- no sex for a year, bye!!!


i think im old liao.. haih... time passes so quickly.. ive been here for 2 years already... so much had happened.. it would be our 55th month together if bubu and I were still together.. haha..

and yes, i still do miss him..

thoughts just come and go, its not something i can control..

haha..

anyway, summer is coming to an end!! yes!!! i cant wait for winter to come!!! God bless america!!

tumblr....

working had been really busy and i think im using it as an excuse to not blog, haha, reality is that working life is so boring in a way, well, it kinda occupied most of my weekdays -.-

anywayyyyyyy....

ive got a tumblr thingy now, posting guys when i travel to work which is very very very difficult to snap cos sometimes its very very crowded! lol..

so, check it out la, for now its a daily thing, hopefully it wont be a weekly thing, lol...

iwasaslut.tumblr.com

and like its still very new, haha, will redecorate skit soon.. lol.. cant wait for weekend to come,...

im so so so tired....